Deal With The Pain | Namgi

Chapter 13

Namjoon POV

Hearing a knock on my apartment door, I luff out a small cloud of smoke from my cigarette before pushing myself up off the couch and making my way over to it so that I can see who it is. I smile when I find Jin hyung on the other side, welcoming him inside as I open the door further for him. He stays quiet though, entering in silently before I'm closing the door behind him and leading him over to my living room area.

"Hyung, it's been quite a while. Where've you been? How've you been?" I greet as I sit down on my couch with him. He sits gingerly on the furniture and the expression on his face raises worry within me.

"Namjoon, what are you doing to yourself?" Jin asks quietly, looking over at me almost hesitantly. I frown at the question, tilting my head to the side.

"What the fuck do you mean? I've been taking care of myself, what else?" I respond lightly, not really getting why his mood is so dark.

"Namjoon, look at yourself. When was the last time you spoke to Yoongi? Since when did you start smoking? Are you even attending your classes?" Jin fires off. My eyes widen at this, putting my hands up in a mildly defensive position.

"Cool it, hyung. I've been smoking for a few weeks now. It's a really nice stress reliever. I only attend my classes when I feel like it, it's not like they take attendance anyways. Why the hell are you asking about Yoongi anyways?" I answer in confusion. He frowns at me, giving me a small glare.

"Stop acting oblivious, Namjoon. You're letting your life go to shit and you've been hiding from Yoongi since the day you realized you loved him back your first year here." Jin scowls. My eyes widen once more at this, before their narrowing into a glare.

"I don't love him and I never did. I was a fucking idiot back then. Come on, have you seen him lately? He's an embarrassing fucking loud gay who fucking bakes. Who the hell would love someone like that?" I scoff, looking away from him.

"Kim Namjoon, you can lie to yourself, but I know damn well as you do that you fucking love him. You're gonna lose him faster than you can blink if you keep this shit up." Jin growls.

"It doesn't fucking matter, okay?! I already fucked up and lost him. Who gives a shit anymore." I exclaim in frustration before taking another hit off of my cigarette.

"What'd you do?" He asks, though it comes off as more of a statement than anything else.

"I said he was barely a friend and more of a pain in the ass than anything else the other week when I went in with Eunwoo and Minho." I mutter bitterly, still hating myself for having said that shit.

I can still visualize the heartbreak in his eyes from that day in my head clearly. Just how much it hurt and broke him when he heard me say those things. I wanted to take it back more than I've ever wanted to take back something I've ever said before, but I knew the damage had been done and that I wouldn't have had the balls to do or say anything in front of Eunwoo and Minho.

"You're really willing to let him go and give up on him, huh? You think you're gonna be able to stand watching someone else loving him the way you want to, huh? Holding his hand and hugging him and kissing him, when that's all you've wanted for how many years now? And you think you're gonna be able to stand that and be okay with it?" Jin challenges. I glare over at him before rolling my eyes.

"I saw him out with that Park Jimin kid last Sunday evening. They were holding hands while walking down the sidewalk, probably on a date or something." I mumble coldly.

"Yeah? And how'd that make you feel, huh? Makes you wanna sit back and give up? Is that what it makes you feel?" Jin continues.

"Fuck off, okay?! I fucked up big time this time, alright?! I know I fucked up! I know I'll never be able to stand the sight of someone else loving him! I know I'll never be able to stand watching him fall in love with someone else! With anyone that isn't me! I don't ducking deserve him though! All I've done in the last however fucking many years is hurt him! The least I can do is fucking let him be happy for one goddamn time!" I shout, tossing my cigarette out.

"Yeah?! If it fucking bothers you so damn much, then go the fuck after him! I'm still telling you that he fucking loves you! You need to get your fucking shit together and go after him! Yeah you fucked up, but you can fucking fix it you dumbass! Quit giving the fuck up the way your father always did if he pissed you off doing that shit!"