Deal With The Pain | Namgi

Chapter 17

Leading Joon to the back of the shop like I had with Jimin the day he asked me to be his boyfriend, neither one of us say a word as I take my seat on the bottom couple of steps. Nodding towards the chair that's tucked away in the corner, Namjoon grabs it and pulls it out of its somewhat hiding place so that he can sit near me, facing me.

"I... I don't even know where to begin, hyung. I know I've been a terrible friend for the last couple of years now, and I've said a lot of shit that you never deserved. I never meant any of it. I never meant a single bad word I said, Yoongi. It broke my heart every time I saw the pain flash in your eyes, realizing what I'd say, and every single time I wanted to take it all back. There is no going back and undoing the damage I've caused though." Namjoon breathes out, sounding disheartened and nervous.

"Namjoon, why did you come here?" I ask, wanting to know the truth behind all of this. His reasoning for all of it.

"I realized how much of a dick I've been, Yoongi. And, I realized how much I've lost you... I don't want to lose you, Yoongi. I came back here to apologize for all of the crap I've done and said, for all of the times I've hurt you, and I came back here to get you back. Only, it seems I'm a little too late for that." Joon responds, glancing up at me occasionally from his lap as he speaks. I frown in confusion at this, not understanding.

"What do you mean you're too late to get me back? Joon, yeah, you fucked up big time, but that doesn't mean we can't repair that over time." I tell him, confusion still covering my face. He smiles but shakes his head, and I can see tears beginning to form in his eyes. It worries me, making me wonder if there's something deeper that I'm missing.

"That's the thing, Yoongi. It'll take time for you to build up your trust in me again, just to be able to trust me as a friend. I started acting like this piece of shit person for a reason though, Yoongi. I'm fucking in love with you. I got scared and didn't want you to ever know, knew you'd never feel the same so I wanted us to stay away from each other, but I never could. I kept coming back, being an asshole to make you hate me but only so that I had an excuse to come see you and see how you were doing. I... I'm fucking in love with you and I'm too damn late because you're already with that asshole Jimin." Namjoon explains, looking me in the eye the entire time he speaks before shaking his head at the end.

My eyes widen and lips part at this information, instantly getting flooded in emotions. Sad, that I can't just take him as mine now, hurt that he acted this way and felt that he needed to stay away. I'm angry though as well.

"Jimin's not an asshole, Namjoon. He's a fucking wonderful person who has never once hurt me. He's treated me like I'm some goddamn angel, treats me better than what I fucking deserve, and he makes me happy. Joon, I've been in love with you for years now. Since high school for fucks sake. You fucked that up though. I've been waiting on you all this time to wake the hell up and snap out of it, and you never did. All you did was hurt me time and time again, and Jimin has treated me really fucking nicely. I... I don't know what to tell you, Joon. I love you. I'm with Jimin now though, and I'm not just gonna back out on him because you've suddenly appeared and confessed." I counter, rubbing my hands over my face a couple times in the process.

"Maybe coming here was a mistake." Namjoon whispers, though I catch it with the back of the shop being quiet.

"I still want you in my life, Joon. You were my best friend growing up. I never wanted to lose you. I'm... I'm not guaranteeing that there's going to be something that comes of us in the future, but there's always the possibility." I inform him softly, trying to keep myself together. He scoffs at this though, shaking his head.

"Yoongi, I can't just sit here and hang around, watching you be happy with someone else. I can't fucking do it, not when I want it to be me that you're happy with. And to give me some sort of false bullshit hope as if you would ever leave that Jimin kid now that he's gotten you to fall for him is just an asshole thing to do." Namjoon huffs before standing.

"So that's it then?" I speak up with a hoarse voice as he begins to head back. He freezes in place at this though.

"You just came here to confess? To rip my mental state up more than you already have? Just came back to break my heart all over again? Walked right back in only so that you could fucking leave me again?" I question, my voice growing more and more hoarse as I speak, tears forming and rolling down my cheeks. Namjoon doesn't say anything to any of this though, and it only makes me want to cry even harder.

"I fucking love you, Namjoon. I can't do anything with you when you just keep fucking hurting me though. I can't trust you right now. I told you that if you stuck around that you never know what might happen, but you can't even be happy for me that I'm happy? You can't waltz right in and date me so you're gonna fucking abandon me again?" I challenge even more, hoping he'll say something.

He doesn't though.

"Fine. Fine, fucking leave me again. But know this, Joon. I never made you leave. I always knew the good you was in there. I can't handle you walking in and out of my life though like this. So if you're going to leave me, understand that I can't let you back in the next time you decide to come running."