Bravery Requires Fear

18. Blueberries

A/N: Triggers at bottom.

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He loved Cisco, he loved him so much. Barry would never take him for granted ever again. After him and Caitlin picked Barry up in the Star Labs van they all went out to eat and tried to catch up.a It wasn't the best idea honestly, Barry ended up hyperventilating about ten minutes in and they went to Cisco's house and watched a movie.

He missed Cisco.

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" Can we talk about what happened that day?"

" No." His reply was sharp and to the point, Barry didn't want to talk about what happened that day.

Barry and Cisco had been sitting on Cisco's couch for the past hour watching Singin' In The Rain and his thoughts were getting the most of him. It was the twelfth time he watched it within the past two days and Cisco was worried, they all were really. Barry was missing for little over a year and a week ago just showed up out of nowhere and absolutely refused to talk about what made him leave. It was okay and perfectly normal for him to be wary and not want to talk but everyone wanted him to.

Cisco never really understood what trauma was until he was lying on the ground staring at Wally dead body, never understood what it felt like to be truly scared until he had to save his best friends life. He didn't understand how Barry was able to keep it all holed up inside, it was unbearable for Cisco to not talk to anyone, how could Barry not want to talk?

He reaches for the remote beside Barry's thigh and clicks pause, forcing Barry to turn and look at him. Barry looks so raw in that moment, it makes Cisco feel ashamed.

" Can we please talk about it?"

" Cisco, no."

Ouch, he winces and looks away for a moment.

Barry had been so quiet lately, Cisco was sure he'd been thinking about what happened to Wally. Barry had to talk.

When Barry reached across the couch for the remote and Cisco took the opportunity to switch off the television. Barry turned to look at him, " Come on man!"

Here we go.

Cisco glared at him, " We need to talk."

Barry responded with a hard look on his face, one Cisco hadn't seen before, " No we don't."

Dammit Barry, what makes this so hard for you?

He frowned and responded quietly, " Yes, we do."

He didn't get it. Why the hell was Barry so scared of talking about it?

Barry became quiet and his face scrunched up like he was holding himself back, and a moment later he snapped. His voice was both quiet and carefully controlled, " Why the hell do you want to talk about it?"

He didn't like this new side of Barry. He'd seen it a handful of times ever since he'd been back and it scared him. This side of Barry was different, it was colder, more rough. He'd gained a foul mouth and was a lot harsher and straight to the point. It was obvious that what happened with Wally had an effect on him.

Cisco snapped back, beginning to get angry, " Why don't you want to?"

" Because I'm fucking traumatized Cisco!" Barry looked crazed and Cisco had to stop himself from flinching in shock.

Barry pulled his legs onto the couch and wrapped his arms around them like a frightened child, " I died because of him, my intestines were falling out of my body. The people that found me had to shock me back to life twice," Barry shook his head and looked at Cisco, frowning, " I have scars all over my abdomen that are so horrendous I can't even look at myself when I get dressed. Why would I want to talk about it?"