Coffee n drama

Fake or real?

About a year ago, I didn't even know his surname.

About a year ago, he was just an acquaintance. 

About a year ago, we never even talked to each other.

Now, he is one of the biggest parts of my life. Someone I won't ever forget. Its so absurd that I can't even comprehend how I ended up in this situation. I have always wanted to fall in love. Another thing I always knew was that if 2 people, however different, meet multiple times a month, they become friends. If they live together, they begin to care about the other. Get used to company of each other. 

I mean all those novels have given me enough information to know this was bound to happen. And in the end I still did it. We fake dated. It doesn't matter what reason because I agreed only to fall in love. I said yes because I wanted a chance to experience this in real life. A chance to live like those characters in a book. Well atleast, a lot of it was similar but some parts weren't. Like how awkward we were in the beginning. Barely any interaction other than when we had to act.

Those dates to keep everything seem legit. Late night talks because both of us can't sleep. Slowly we became friends. It took a lot of patience and time for even that to happen with our quiet personalities. Days turned into weeks which faded into months. Our friendship grew stronger with each fight and each day. Those small gestures while we act became genuine. But was it real for him? Is it fake in his perspective? Am I just a good friend helping him?

It would be wrong to assume that he felt the same. Not because of reality but the fact that we behave different at home than outside. He makes those efforts only between others. Infront of the eyes of our audience. 

To think that a random chance at being the main character got me into this mess would be embarrassingly true. I am the calculated and organized friend. Always a bit early and prepared. For a short period when I was with my friends, that changed but it got back on track after that impulsive time. We met when both of us are matured, settled in our lives. No kind of trauma or issue too big going on in life. The background problems played their symphony but we paid no mind to it. He became someone I would tell everything to but it has finally become clear that only I share. Only I talk and rant. All he does is listen and maybe he isn't even doing that.

Insecurity fills my mind. He wouldn't tolerate me annoying him, he hates being suppressed so there is no way, right? 

Our moments play like a broken record. Every smile, every laugh. Was it genuine? Any indication of him falling for me just like I did. I want to have a chance at romance with someone who I like. For someone with such high standards, even liking a guy is a big deal for me. With so many levels of doubts and wants, I usually reject any guy that I would begin liking. He passed through every doubt I had and that itself is enough for me to see a possible forever with him. 

But what if I didn't pass his doubts? Can he see a forever with me? I can't live like this. Its always been all or nothing. My only motto in life is to regret nothing. Every decision I make is thought over multiple times and the one with less regrets would end up being the choice I make. There are exceptions where I get too emotional but otherwise, that's how I choose. 

Right now, I know I can't live with such a big regret of not confessing when I finally found a good guy. Maybe the friendship we built will get ruined but I can't destroy myself for a friendship. I have many people I care about, they are my everything and he has started making a place there, before it gets worse, I need to be sure where I can place him. I can't let myself go all delulu before there is any hint. Breaking my heart is not a hobby I plan to make.

When he came home, I placed the food on the table. He looked surprised since we had turns doing the cooking and today it was his. I smiled at him and he beamed back. My heart raced at the sight. Oh I am down bad. 

He quickly got fresh and came back with his hands behind his back. When he reached to the table, I closed the lights and lit the candle. His surprise was quickly covered up with the blush he had. His ears all red and the small smile that I so rarely get to see.

What I don't expect is the rose he hands me. I take it and know for a fact that if he breaks my heart today, I won't get over him as easily as I would like. I try to first start normal conversation before throwing that bomb on him. We sit silently and I let my hidden personality out. A very obvious sign that I like the person. How does he not know?

"So I saw this gruesome death today, I may or may not have caused it." He looks at me a bit shocked and then nods like its the usual news. Okay we get it, you got used to my overdramatic nature. I show him pictures while describing exactly what happened and how it wasn't my fault. Fine. It was all my fault but my mood wasn't good and it was taking too long. Someone needed to pay for my overthinking. 

"A fate worse than death." I say regretfully. A bit guilty. Usually I wouldn't let my emotions get the best of me so this death is quite sudden for me too.

"They were cupcakes." A bit of a laugh in his voice. 

"Are you laughing at my murder?" I place both my hands on my heart, leaning back as if I am shot. With a head shake, he puts his hands up as if surrendering. Where will I find a guy who will be idiotic with despite his personality of being all grumpy grandpa types. 

The funny things is that for the outside world, I am the grumpy old grandma and he is the chill guy who may not be talkative but does all the fun things. That's why sometimes it feels like maybe I am still an outsider. 

Ugh this so confusing. Be as simple as me. My goals and personality is very clear. 

We had our dinner in silence after that, once in a while sharing something about the day. After completing it, he gets up to take the dishes to wash but I stop him. Now or never.

"I- I just want to ask one thing. Is this real or fake?" He looks up at me and I see the answer in his eyes immediately.