𝘿𝘿𝙇𝘾 𝙊𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙨 & 𝙎𝙘𝙚𝙣𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙤𝙨

➶➶ ᴜᴍʙʀᴇʟʟᴀ - sᴀʏᴏʀɪ ➷➷

Would it be weird to describe you as an umbrella?

Sayori would frequently lay awake at night, trying to think of a better term than that. You deserved to be called something better than an umbrella. You weren't built for one purpose. You were worth so, so much more than that. But for all her hours of thinking, she couldn't think of a better way to describe it.

You weren't a perfect umbrella. No one was. Oftentimes it was more like a mere frame of an umbrella, nice in concept but flawed in execution. But you were pretty damn close to a full one. In her eyes, you were just pretty close to perfect in general. Though, sometimes, she'd start to think too hard about her feelings if her thoughts lingered on you for too long.

That, as Sayori had learned, never did anything but make things worse.

She'd never tell you any of this. You shouldn't have to waste any of your effort or pity on her. Just having you there was more than enough, and it would be much too greedy of her to ask for anything more than that. No matter what she wanted, the fact that you tolerated her was more than she could ever ask for, and she'd never throw that away.

Sometimes Sayori would start to worry that she was too much of a burden to you. Did she gravitate to you too often? Were her actions ever making you uncomfortable? Would you start to get tired of her if she stuck by you for too long? But despite every doubt-infested thought she had when it came to you, she didn't stop. Being with you was something she'd grown to love, even if she didn't think you enjoyed it for the same reasons.

Maybe it was selfish of her to always hog your attention, to always be near you in some way, especially in the club. No, not maybe– it was, and Sayori knew that. She hated that she acted that way. But she couldn't help herself. How unfair of her to constantly take advantage of your kindness, weaving it into a desperate attempt of comfort, a messy quilt that she wished she could just curl up in, to leave behind the plague of anxiety and insecurities that consumed her every waking second.

But doing that would take away from you. And Sayori would rather die than hurt you. So she limited herself. It was easier than being more of a burden than she already was.

Maybe it was selfish of her to love you. Maybe if you were a magnet, and she was also a magnet but the kind that pushed instead of pulled, it would be easier. Then, you wouldn't spend as much time with her as you do, and she wouldn't have found the shelter in you that was getting harder and harder to pull away from. You shouldn't be her dependance. If you were a pillar that managed to stand on your own, then you didn't need to have her weight threatening to pull you down. But it was so easy to love you, and love what you did, and love who you were, and it was also easy for Sayori to absolutely despise herself for thinking that way.

The lack of control Sayori had over her feelings was, at times, infuriating. But most days, she didn't even have the energy to be annoyed.

No matter what, though, you were always there.

With you, it was like the rain clouds lightened up. With you, Sayori felt happy, genuinely happy, something that had become rarer and rarer as the years passed. With you, she actually felt like there was something worth living for.

Whether you knew it or not, you had probably saved her life. Not like you'd ever know that. Sayori didn't want to worry you with her depression. She knew you'd stress no matter what she'd say, and she knew that you didn't want the anxiety that came with that. 

How could you love her if she couldn't even love herself?

Not that she really expected you to love her, though. It was a nice thought, of course. But Sayori wasn't about to get her hopes up. She wouldn't. She couldn't. It was a nice thought, but that's all it was: a thought. A fantasy.

She didn't plan on telling you, of course. That would ruin everything. 

You deserve something, anything, for tolerating her behavior all the time. But the person who holds the umbrella can't really do anything for the umbrella itself. All they can do is let it go, put it down, stop using it, give it a break. And greedily, Sayori was too weak to do that. She couldn't find it within herself to push you away, to stop you from stopping the rain.

So she didn't. Not yet.