Falling Under

𝟙𝟠. ℙ𝕒𝕚𝕟

It hurt that Jess really hated me, I thought she'd be mad and maybe in a few days she'd start talking to me again but it had been weeks, and she hadn't said a word to me and if she did it was either out of necessity or an insult. Even mom had begun talking to me more. She was fond of Lucas, so I could see why she was upset beforehand but she moved on.

Jess and I had fought before but never like this. I thought Jess and I were closer than that, I knew that I'd fucked up. But I didn't think she would actually hate me, it was like she was disgusted, almost as if she was embarrassed to be seen with me. A few days ago I talked to her at school, and asked her who was making dinner, as Mom would be late and she gave me the harshest stare before telling she didn't care and to leave her alone. It was in front of the whole class too, everyone heard.

We used to always insult eachother and be rude, but this was different, it's like she meant it. I already hated myself, I didn't need it from her too. I hated school, I hated being at home, I just wanted to run away and never come back, mom had given me my phone back, there were no notifications. I'd been removed of all the group chats, and Lucas had blocked me.

I still messaged him normaly, apologising, I'd been doing so for the past few days, I didn't know if he'd seen it. He probably had but was ignoring me, which was understandable.

It was Sunday evening and I was dreading going into school tomorrow. It was horrible, I had no one , the rest of the group would still  give me dirty looks every time I walked past them, especially Kelly and Jess. People were still talking about me and Jason still wasn't talking to me, not since I confronted him outside.

I'd been eating by myself in the cafeteria every single day, it was embarrassing and nerve wracking, sitting there by yourself, everyone knowing you have no friends.

I was considering bringing in a packed lunch. I'd find a place outside, or even in the bathroom at least then I wouldn't seem like such a loner.

Everyone knew what happened, how my friends dropped me, the group didn't hesitate to tell others how awful I was. Probably why no one really talked to me but some people were acting like they hadn't all bullied Lucas into leaving.

I knew I was a shitty person but there was no way I could survive high school without any friends. It didn't help that I sucked at making them. The friends I made were down to pure luck and Jess and Lucas being more talkative than I was.

I thought overtime things would get better but life wasn't getting any easier, in fact it was getting harder. It was almost the Christmas holidays and there was still so much left of the school year. I was gonna ask mom to let me change schools if it got worse. Maybe I'd be able to have a fresh start and I'd feel better about myself, no one would know me, I could be whoever I wanted.

At least today I brought my headphones and listened to music, I drowned the noise of the other people. I hated eating alone, it was such a lonely experience, it made me want to cry. I'd hold back my tears till I got home and everyone was asleep. Some days I couldn't even bring myself to go inside the cafeteria, I'd just skip lunch. You never realise how much you take having friends for granted until you no longer have any.

Everyday felt like I was on the verge of a breaking down, I didn't want to be here anymore. I just wanted to stop feeling like this. But I knew it was my fault, there was no one else to blame but me and I hated myself for that. I was filled with so much guilt and regret and it only got worse as each day passed.