Falling Under

𝟚𝟠. 𝕂𝕚𝕟𝕕𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤

The remainder of the two weeks went by very slowly. I was ready to get back into the pool and get my life back. I showed up to practice Monday morning ready to swim, some of the scars had started to fade which was really good so I didn't have to put bandaids on them but there was still so many of them I knew coach was going to notice and I wasn't looking forward to it.

After practice I got showered and dressed.

"Nick my office please" he said and I sighed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" I said quietly.

"I'm going to cut to the chase, there are more scars on your arm, Is there something you want to talk about?" He asked after I closed the door.

"No. Can I go now?"

"Just sit down for a minute" I reluctantly sat down.

"Have you heard about the term about depression?" He asked whilst looking me in the eyes.

"Yeah sure"

"Do you know what it is?" I shrugged.

"It's like when you're sad and stuff" I said restlessly. I wanted to go.

"It's different than that, sadness is temporary, depression is constant, it's a constant feeling of heaviness, tiredness and pain, and can often cause changes in behaviour, suicidal thoughts, self harm-"

"What are you saying?" I asked defensively.

"Do any of those symptoms resonate with you?"

"You think I'm depressed?"

"I'm saying it's something you should look into. Self harm is serious and you need to talk to someone about it"

"I don't want to and you're wrong"

"I don't know what you're feeling inside but there's people that can help you understand. If it is depression, there's therapy, medication even if it isn't, therapy is still good"

"I don't understand why I would be depressed"

"Sometimes there's no cause, but if anything major has happened in your life that might be why"

"Nothing major has happened to me. No one has died. My life sucks because I made it this way, I'm to blame" I hated myself so much for for it.

"That doesn't mean you might not be struggling with it. Have you ever thought about killing yourself?" He asked. I stayed silent. I didn't know what to say, it was weird, no one had ever asked me that before.

I thought about it this morning. I didn't want to tell him that though, it was embarrassing. I also didn't want him to think I was going to do it or something.

"How often do you think about it?" He asked, It's like he was reading my mind, "Nick, you can be honest me, how often?" I really wanted to do it but at the same time I didn't. I had an ounce of hope that things would better.

"All the time" I admitted, "I hate everything and everyone including myself" I felt a tear roll down my face. I quickly wiped it away.

"Have you attempted?" He asked me

"No I never went through with it, I'm a fucking coward" I said looking down.

"You're not a coward. You're not well"

"I am, I'm being completely rational. Everything that's gone wrong is my fault, I'm the only one to blame for feeling this way. It's not me being unwell, I'm just finally realising truly awful I am. I ruined the best friendship I ever had and now I'm alone and surrounded by people who don't really like me, there's something really wrong with me, I'm the problem." He was wrong, I wasn't depressed. It all made sense.