You & I・❥・(Graham Coxon)

A Cold Night・❥・

TW: mentions of an eating disorder (and im sorry i forgot to put this tw up on other chapters)

Violet POV

(the next day)

today is a peacefully quiet day. i exit my bedroom and expect to see graham still laying on the sofa but instead of him, i spot a piece of paper right in the middle of the sofa. has he shapeshifted into paper?

no it's actually a letter from him. yes, i have woken up to a letter from graham which reads,

"good morning v! it's graham which you know who it is haha. i woke up early today and had a really intense hangover. you might've heard me being sick but don't worry, i cleaned your bathroom before leaving!

and mainly i am writing this to tell you i am going away for today because we have our second tour at a place which is 3 hours away from london. it starts afternoon so i have to leave right now, goodbye - just for a while- goodbye v. i'll miss you but i'll see you soon xx"

this is good actually. i have to get on with my plan and do things my way without constantly getting bombarded with questions by graham about lunch or ice cream! i walk on over to the fridge and look at the chart i made for myself.

i grab my red inked pen and cross out today's date. i am on a 12 day streak of exercising and cutting down on calories. after reading those articles, i just happened to skip breakfast one day and it felt convininent and doable which gave me an idea.

it wouldn't hurt me to lose a few kgs, right? and if i do get a second chance at my career, i'd need to look my best. it's common knowledge that less calories = weight loss so i didn't really think of consulting a dietician. i can handle this on my own. then i started to skip breakfast, lunch and sometimes dinner too. i felt good about myself.

now, i have 18 days left of my one month plan of restricting and exercising. i am very close to my goal of this month but yesterday graham disrupted the flow a bit. i missed my exercise timing in the morning plus i had pressure to eat lunch when i wanted to skip it and on top of that, i had to eat dinner in front of him to shut him up.

though, when i realised i had wrecked my schedule and ate more than i planned to yesterday. i just felt out of control and frantic. a sense of anxiousness took of over my body and it felt like the order of the whole universe was messed up because i went against my schedule. 

i never want to feel like that again. i will follow my schedule without fail and nothing can stop me now.

i sit down on the sofa with a cigarette intertwined between my fingers. i watch the smoke fall to dusty ashes while being in front of the telly screen. i am grateful for graham fixing the remote, i thought it was a gone case. there's some movie playing on the tv, it's interesting enough to keep me entertained but not interesting enough to have me emotionally invested.

the tv is back which means it's easier for me to distract myself from the hunger pangs. i sometimes get those but it's not really a big deal. it's already evening time. half of the day is over anyways.

-

i collapse on my bed after completing my exercise and having the perfect day! today was peaceful and fulfilling. though, when i lay down on my bed and feel the coldness send a shiver down my back, the silence of the day catches up to me, it becomes hard to ignore my deafeningly loud thoughts.

i feel a rush of pain jerk my stomach. i feel hollow and empty, my heart is beating out of chest as if it wants to break free and escape from my ribcage. i dig my nails into my blanket and wrap it around myself tightly while feeling myself shaking. it is a rather cold night i guess.

i close my eyes and wince when my heart rate starts to increase. it fastens with every second that passes  until it reaches it's peak. it feels as though, my heart is beating at the speed of light. i panic and think it's going to explode.

i should probably eat, i decide and that's when the thoughts pour in. that one little idea of eating is overpowered by thoughts and reasonings for why i shouldn't eat. it's like at the thought of food, my brain blasts and a chemical reaction goes wrong. panic flows in my veins and a voice in my head tells me a hundred reasons to not eat - like how ate too much yesterday so i should make up for it today, how i will lose all progress if i give up now and how i cannot afford to gain anymore weight, compared to that one pathetic reason of eating.

when i am all alone just staring up at the ceiling fan doing rounds on the roof amidst the darkness of my room. i do miss graham. yesterday we fell asleep cuddling each other. i remember. maybe this night wouldn't feel so cold and lonely if he was here. 

i switch to my side but that doesn't make the agony lessen at all. i went to bed at around 11 but i just layed there in till a good few hours before falling asleep.

(the next morning)

i sit up on my bed and i am barely given time to properly wake up when i am met with the irritating sound of the doorbell going off. i walk towards the door and i have a feeling it's graham. 

and i am proven right when i open the door to a rather drowsy and disheveled graham.....

is he okay? what is he doing here? did something happen?

-

(A/n): Ok so im sorry for leaving you lot on a short cliffhanger chapter, a long one will come tomorrow!!!

anyways, don't forget to vote it helps me stay motivated to write more!!!