"Absolutely Not."

Chapter 49: Lust

I never did find out what they did with Austin's body, and I honestly didn't want to know. Maybe if it came out in casual conversation, then I might give it a few seconds of my attention, but other than that, he was just another shadow to melt away as the day passed. Gone and forgotten, pushed back into the back of my mind to hopefully never occupy my thoughts again, packed up to collect dust. There were countless other memories to keep Austin's recollection company but never my consciousness, and it was better that way.

What mattered now was a greater retribution, one that would completely remedy my restless soul. I just had one huge obstacle, I had no idea where to find the elusive commander who had a last name that shared the similar place I was going to put him eventually. Perhaps then I'd be able to take a deep breath of relief when I stole his, but until then, I balanced the tightrope of sanity where the depths below me taunted me with jaws of madness, ready to close around me and never let go.

For now, I carried on as every day brought on new struggles.

The stitches had long been taken out days ago, but I still could barely manage to look at it; I hated the daily reminder of how badly I fucked up. My hand ached to be whole once more while lies dripped from my lips as if I salivated over it, getting off of insignificant deception when people asked about my wellbeing.

'It's just a finger,' I'd tell them.

'I'm fine,' I lied.

'Better than the whole limb,' I tried to be optimistic.

I changed the subject every time it seemed as though someone was catching on, as if they could smell my mind begin to dwindle and spiral into a place where they would soon not be able to reach me.

It had almost happened before, but thankfully, Simon had caught me just before I submerged completely, yanking me above the surface and onto tumultuous shores. If it weren't for him, who knew where or who I'd be today.

I spent more time working on cardio than anything else, sweating out my stress while also unceremoniously establishing Simon's room as 'our' room. Silently and without a single complaint, he created space somehow in one of his drawers so that I could plant some of my clothes for the nights that I spent with him. Which, honestly, was every night. There was no way people didn't know, and maybe they didn't care anymore. I sure as hell didn't. It wasn't like we were swallowing one another's tongues in the middle of the hall. Now that would be stepping a boundary for either of us; those were private affairs.

Once again, the feared, revered lieutenant served as the beacon of hope that I continued to chase so that I could prevent myself from falling into an impossibly deep abyss or maybe ever-stretching tunnel with no escape. Like one of those fucking nightmares, but it was a real life situation where every step I took towards the light, the exit moved an extra mile. One step forward, two thousand back.

It would be a miracle if I lasted another week like this.

As I washed off the sweat from the morning's training, light enough to not aggravate my hand but hard enough to make my heart pound, I lost myself in rinsing off the negative, desperate to stay positive. It only did the trick in helping my muscles not feel so cramped after a few weeks of mild exercise. Now, we were gearing up to try again, our efforts thwarted by some Shadows who had successfully veered us off course temporarily. Third time was a charm, hopefully.

Opening the shower curtain, I screamed when I realized I wasn't alone. "Simon!" I hissed out, using the curtain to cover what I could which only earned me an amused chuckle from the Brit.

"Nothin' I haven't seen before, love," he replied with a playful roll of his eyes. He held up my towel, dangling it as if it were a goddamn carrot for me to chase. I took note of his casual attire, jeans and a simple gray tshirt sans his characteristic balaclava. His tattooes extended past the sleeve his shirt, one of my favorite parts of his physique, and I tried not to salivate.