Asylum (Steve Rogers AU) 18+

9

Dear Doctor Rogers

I've decided to address these journal entries to you, considering that you shall be the one to read them. My every thought, every hope. I'm not sure about dreams anymore. I'd like to think once was a dreamer, having the perfect husband, perfect family, perfect life. But I have none of those. Instead my life and future has been reduced to spending it here, in a place that feels as hollow as I do.

You may not see it that way though, after all you are here to help and have a different outlook than I have. You are not made to take medicines in the hopes that it will cure your non existent hysteria. You are allowed as much freedom as you want. Do you ever leave this place? Have you ever once stepped out of those rusted wrought iron gates that keep us apparent hysterical beings imprisoned? Or are you too bound to this place by your duty?

I know I should not ask these questions. I know that however many times I will tell you that I am in control of my sanity, that you will see me as anything but that. But I promise you that I am. I know my own mind and I am sound of it. My husband only did this to me in order to have another. Part of me wonders whether it would have been kinder for him to have killed me instead.

Does he ever write to enquire how I am? I do not think he does. I would have been told surely. Superintendent Ross has told me that he will write to him as to how my treatment is fairing. I know I am shackled to this place forever though, until it all but makes me go insane for real.

How long will that be? Have you ever witness anyone crumble because they are wasting away here?

I am alone. I am scared. But I will not be beaten so easily.

Dinah.

**

Dinah.

I'm glad that you are addressing these entries to me. If you see it as a better form of telling me your feelings rather than voicing them to me outright in our sessions? Then I am only happy to continue.

Tell me what dreams that you have, or had - other than the main one being to be free of this place? You are allowed to dream of it, because believe me, others do - staff included. You may think I have more freedom but believe me, since my arrival I've not set foot outside those gates, committing myself to my work and helping people to return home cured. A rarity for an asylum, but it is possible. Anything is.

Like you said, I am bound by my duty. You have your worries and I have mine. I am not ashamed to admit that. Patients here see me as the bad guy, of course they would, after all- I am the one who does call some of the shots when it comes to treatments and so on, but the Superintendent is who I have to listen to, no matter how much I am opposed to some of his 'methods'.

Your husband does not write, I know that much. I also know that no correspondence has been made between him or Ross. I doubt that any will ever be unless Mr Walker decides to do so first. I am sorry if this was not the news that you were wanting to hear.

I noticed that in our sessions, you don't want to talk about him. It might help if you were to. You say you have been put here practically against your will because of him, so tell me more. I only know very little other than he'd had you committed with hysteria. You write that he did so because he had another. While I'm still in the process of a diagnosis for you, if this is the case, then I am not surprised. There have been cases such as this before. Unfortunately some did not have a happy outcome, however I will do my best to reach my conclusion about you quickly.

Please try not to be afraid. I know a place like this is dark and dismal. Believe me there are days where I also want to just walk right out the door, but I can't - because I want to help the people who are here as much as I can.

I want to help you.

You will not be rendered insane, because I will not let it get to that point. As for witnessing others crumble? Only the ones who were already so broken to begin with just could not be fixed.

But you can Dinah. Because you have shown that you will not break.

You are not alone. You have the best care around you. Me. So please do not be scared. Be brave. Be bold. Attend your sessions, get your daily fresh air outside, write in this journal everything you feel, and in return I will give you answers, thoughts and suggestions.

It will be enough to make you feel human even if you feel anything but that. But you are.

Dr Rogers.