Dead love in my hands (Troy Otto story/ Fear the walking dead/ ftwd)

Choice

I woke up with a sharp jolt. It was dark all around. Clara was asleep in the back seat. Troy wasn't in the car. After a few seconds, my eyes adjusted to the lack of light, and I began to make out something around me. Through the windscreen I saw a silhouette. Almost immediately it was clear that it was Otto. But for a moment a shiver ran through my body. Why? Was I afraid of anything else? No. Why did I flinch? It was like that feeling you get when you re-watch a horror film: you know there's going to be a scary moment, you don't tense up, but you get goosebumps. Horror film... When was the last time I watched it? I can't remember. In a previous life. A long time ago. I frowned, trying to remember the name of the film. Nothing came to mind. "Insidious"?

Troy slammed the door loudly and looked at me as he got behind the wheel.

"Are you awake?

"Why are we stopping? And why hasn't arrived yet?"

"Something's wrong with the headlights. We'll have to wait until it's light. I hit a pedestrian."

"And what's your answer to the second question? We should have been there a couple of hours ago."

"The bridge was destroyed and we had to take a diversion."

"Great!" I said.

"Stop whining!" Troy said stiffly.

"Where am I whining?"

"Your 'great' is worse than the worst swear word in the world."

I rolled my eyes. He couldn't see it in the dark, but he must have guessed it. Turning to Clara and making sure she was asleep, Troy turned to me again:

"Do you want to talk?"

"About what?"

"You always have something to talk about," he shrugged, "you're usually the one asking to talk.

"I'm not asking for anything. And I don't want to talk to you."

"And I do want to talk to you. So let's talk! Explain to me what's in your head that you've decided to leave the ranch for me?"

"Explain to me what's in your head that you decided to put on such a concert there?" I said in a mocking tone, raising an eyebrow.

Otto lowered his head and smirked.

"You think I'm sorry?"

"I don't know. Can you even be sorry?"

"I can. But I don't regret it now. I wouldn't change a thing. The only thing you can change is that you should have shot a couple of those bastards."

"Yeah, then they wouldn't have let you go, they would have killed you there."

"So be it."

After he said that, I got angry.

"Troy! You don't care about me at all!

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean? I don't want you to get killed. I need you! But you're so selfish! Death won't happen to you, but to those who love you. You won't suffer, you won't care!"

"Nobody loves me."

"I love you, you know I do!"

"No. You think you do. But you don't know me at all. You wouldn't look in my direction if you knew a little more. You only fell in love with me because I showed an interest myself, and only because I had a ranch! In a few days, you'll realise what you've done for me! And you'll be sorry... But I fell in love with you for real. Not for anything. I love you for nothing, for no gain, so I don't want you to be here and suffer because of some stupidity of mine. It's not a fairy tale. And I'm not a prince. I'm asshole. You just don't know it yet!"

"I know enough things to despise you for. But I'm here, Troy. I'm with you. So respect my choice."

He took my palm in his hands, brought it to his lips, kissed it roughly, and said:

"Really? That was your choice, Dell?"

"Whose else?" I was puzzled.

Troy shrugged his shoulders. For a few seconds he looked me straight in the eye. Then he got out of the car again. I followed after him. The night was cool. The ground had already cooled down after the hot day and was now radiating cold again. I walked over to Troy. He was standing with his head thrown back and his back leaning against the door.

"Look at the stars, Dell."

There were so many of them. The sky was dotted with tiny dots so thickly it was hard to tell if it was dark blue with silver pebbles or silver with dark spots.

I took a breath. And I felt light. I felt like hugging Otto tightly, which I did after a few moments.

"Miss me?"

"Shut up, Troy. You're ruining everything."

He laughed, hugging me back and kissing my forehead. His ringing laughter made my temples tingle. I was in love for the first time in a very long time. And a lot more than I had been before. At the ranch, I hadn't realised how important he was to me. It was only now that I had to realise it. As close as he was, I felt it wasn't enough. I wanted to swallow him to be closer.

I don't know how long we stood like that, but it was starting to get light and we got in the car and drove on. Clara was still asleep. Or pretending to be. I don't know.