I realized that I can't imagine my life without her, and that's so wonderful

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"Are you serious? How could you miss the turn?" 

"And you try to understand something from this faded map, Negan!"Otto said in my defense, although Smith was probably right, I just didn't know how to navigate on the map.

"Give it here, babyboy!" Smith snatched the map out of my hands, "and how did you both survive at all?!"

"Can you stop showing off, Nigan?", Troy rolled his eyes and leaned back in the driver's seat. His hands were still on the steering wheel, but the further he drove, the more sleepy he became. It's been about twelve hours since we last slept.

"Troy, don't worry, let me drive, you need to get some sleep."

"I don't want to sleep, I want to get to fucking New York, pick up my wife, go back to the ranch, and then, yes, I'll go to bed!"

"You know, Troy, you surprise me," Nigan grinned, studying the map, "I've never met such a cocky idiot."

"Are you starting again, Nigan?"I turned to him and raised an angry eyebrow.

"I'm not starting anything, Nick," Smith said without looking up from the map, "I just really don't understand why Troy thinks she's going back to the ranch with him."

Suddenly Otto got out of the car, slammed the door, walked forward, kicked a couple of rocks, and then put his hands in his pockets and threw his head back to the sky. I decided that he needed to be given some time.

"Follow him," Negan said, still looking at the map, "he needs a friend now."

"He doesn't need a damn thing. I have nothing to say to him.

Good... Then I'll go," he shoved the map back into my hands, "study it."

I saw Negan take a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and hand it to Otto, who shook his head negatively, then Negan pulled out a cigarette and lit it himself. They talked for about ten minutes, and all the while I was looking out the windshield and wondering what he could say in response to the fact that Troy was calmly listening and silent. At one point, Otto abruptly turned his head to Smith. I tensed in anticipation of something unfriendly, but then Negan put his hand on his shoulder and patted him several times. Troy forced a smile, which meant that this was the beginning of their friendship.

***

I followed Brandon down the stairs, he was holding a helmet in his hands. His hair curled slightly at the ends, which was funny, but he clearly should have had a haircut by now. However, I didn't care, I was just trying to distract myself from thinking about Three. He was alive in my head. This thought literally saved me. But what if that doesn't happen? What if he's really dead?

On the fourth floor, I stopped in the stairwell and stared at the window. For some reason, I wanted to open it and jump down. Although I understood the senselessness of this action. Too low. Too much. But what if I climb higher?

"Hey, are you coming?" Brandon stopped at the foot of the stairs.

"Yes, I'm coming."

"Don't even think about it."

"I don't understand what you're talking about."

"But the main thing is that I understand. I was in your place. You don't have to do this."

"I wonder why? Because you told me so?"

"Because your life cannot lose its meaning because of the absence of a person in it."

"How do you know that? Do you have any idea how I feel? I don't think so."

"You're right, I can't imagine what it's like to talk to a man who may have killed your husband. But believe me, you are not the only one in this world who can feel guilty."

"I don't think I'm alone. But that doesn't make it any easier for me. I want to put a bullet in my head when I realize that he may no longer be in the world. And I'm angry, I'm very angry at all of you. Especially at you. And I also want to know for sure if he's alive or not. And instead of checking, I'm going to the fucking infirmary, which I don't fucking need!"

"I made you a promise. I'll do it. Be patient for a day, there's a plane tomorrow. I'll check everything out."


The day flew by unnoticed. After studying my duties at the medical center, I began to think about Three again. There was only half an hour left until the end of the shift, so I started to put things in order at "my" workplace. Actually, I didn't consider him mine, I just wanted to do something. This way the time went faster and it was not painfully boring. Just out of boredom, stupid thoughts came into my head, and access to powerful medicines did not give me peace of mind. I wanted to silence the voice in my head that was saying something like "you're sitting here calmly, despite the fact that they killed your husband, you're calmly cleaning up here, despite the fact that they killed your husband...", but I couldn't do it. It didn't work out. It seemed that I was about to start an acute psychosis. I opened the first-aid kit.

"I'll just take a look," I said aloud to myself.

I found phenazepam pretty quickly. It's good if no one notices his absence, but, by and large, it doesn't matter anymore. I took three pills and went to the apartment. I knew I shouldn't do it, but it's better than thinking. I didn't have the energy to think anymore. I just wanted to disconnect.

***

Nick was driving. I tried to focus on my thoughts, but Negan's loud voice, carrying all sorts of nonsense, prevented me from doing this for a good half of the three hours that we drove.

"Can you shut up for a second?!" I said.

"Why are you so nervous, man? And just don't start whining about your wife, everyone knows, but that doesn't justify your tantrum."

I turned around and glared at Negan's indifferent face.

"It justifies everything! You probably never worried about your loved ones at all."

"I was worried, Troy. I had a wife too. And I loved her."

"Did you have a wife?"

Negan nodded calmly.

"And how did you survive her loss?" I was surprised by the sympathy in my voice.

"I found a new one! And then another and another. A person needs to love. And I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're going to love someone else too, because your Della's not coming back with you," Negan shook his head, "no, no, she's not coming back."

"Fuck you!" I turned around and leaned back in the seat again, closing my eyes.

I was thinking about her. I just wanted to see her. I just wanted to hug her and fall on my knees, begging for forgiveness for what I had done to her. It's dark and painful without her. I was sure that I wouldn't love anyone else, I just couldn't forget Della. And if I think about her, I won't even be able to look at anyone else. I don't think anyone will understand me. Most people really love many times in their lives. That's probably a good thing. Otherwise, people would go crazy. But I suddenly realized that I couldn't live without her, and it was a pleasant feeling.

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⏰ Last updated: Sep 28 ⏰

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