If you have ever loved, then you understand my feelings. Although not a fact... Usually people fall in love many times in their lives. More precisely, they change their lives many times, falling in love. The Spaniards even have a saying: "Cuantos corazones — tantos vidas". Well, or something like that. I don't remember exactly, but I once heard it at a military base from an old Mexican who, unfortunately, moved to North America from Madrid a couple of months before the fall of the world. Literally, this phrase translates as: "how many hearts — so many lives." But the essence of it is this: how many times your heart loves, so many lives you live. I was laughing when I heard that. It's funny that now, remembering this, I understand its meaning. I really have a different life. A new life. I'm not that Troy from the military base anymore. If I had this old man in front of me now, I would never have treated him the way I did then. Because I look at myself through HER eyes.
Yes, Della knows what I was doing on the border with Mexico. Not in the smallest detail (because Madison probably told her, who hasn't even spent two days at the base and hasn't seen a damn thing there), but she still knows enough to be afraid of me, however she never talks about it.
But her silence does not add to my confidence that she is not thinking about it. As soon as she casts a frightened look at me, as soon as she looks thoughtfully to the side or tilts her head in some other way at the sight of the weapon in my hands, and the first thought that arises in my head — right now Della remembers the words of the elder Clark about my experiments, at this very second she plays her story in her head.
And, you know, I'm ashamed. For the first time in my life. Because for the first time in my life, I really love someone. Previously, I wasn't interested in people as partners, which means I didn't care about their opinion either. Comrades, friends, girlfriends... I perceived them as temporary allies. Absolutely everyone. Even my brother. I knew that the moment would come when someone from my entourage would reject me, despite the fact that we are doing something together now. And so it happened. With everyone. Even with Mike Trimble and Jake. But not with Della... This surprised and delighted me, but at the same time scared me. Why did she do it? I haven't figured it out yet.
Of course, women, when they fall in love, often suffer from delirium. For example, once there was a lady on the ranch who told me how her sister committed suicide because she was abandoned by a guy who was on heroin. Isn't it crazy to commit suicide because of some drug addict? Of course, madness. And there are a lot of such stories. But all of them did not happen in such conditions as now, and with not quite adequate people, Della was adequate. She understood how dangerous it was to leave the ranch. Of course, she could go back there. She would have been accepted back. But her leaving was a strong decision for me. It meant a lot to me.
By the way, I've heard that men usually don't appreciate female self-sacrifice for them. On the contrary, if a woman does something worthwhile in our favor, we wipe our feet on her. Probably, now everything has changed somewhat. Everyone is in conditions when instincts are maximally sharpened. "Now is not the time to sort things out..." or what do they say in stressful situations? But I am so grateful to her for being with me now. I don't believe that this feeling could not have been. Of course, this is new to me, but I don't understand how you can do wrong with a woman who has left a place where she is comfortable, where her family and friends are for you?
If you think about it, this is not much different from the actions of women in the world before the apocalypse. Previously, they also left their homes for a man, got married. They lost close ties with friends, plunged into a routine and had children. And all this because of love for a man who could not even appreciate their act, did not see that there was something special in it. My father definitely did not see and did not appreciate it. As far as I remember, he was disgusting towards my mother. As do most men in relation to their wives. I was sick of such marriages. To be honest, all the marriages I've seen have sucked. I used to sometimes imagine that I would have a wife. More precisely, I tried to imagine, but I couldn't do it... I have accepted that this will not happen in my life. But Della showed up, and now she's my closest person. It's like she's in my DNA. The room changes when she appears. A part of me comes back when she comes back. I love her life more than mine. Maybe this is how people treat their children? I don't know. I do not know how to love properly. I wasn't taught. I was not loved. I didn't love. So now I am collecting all the variations of this feeling in one bottle. Sometimes I laugh at myself. I think about her every minute, even though she's almost always there. And when she's not around, I think about her even more. Further apart, the closer that we are. If a couple of months ago I had been allowed to read my thoughts today, I would have laughed and twirled my finger at my temple for a decent amount of time.
Now I have a new life, and I'm glad about it. I'm loving it. And for the first time, I'm afraid to die. It bothers me. When that bastard shot me, I thought I was finished. And I was scared. Here I am, but here I am not. A couple of minutes. But I survived. I feel better now, although sometimes I wonder what will happen if I do go to the next world. What will she do? Will she survive it? If she treats me the way I treat her, then no. She'll go crazy. So I hope she loves me a lot less than I love her. Not too much. But I want the love for me to be at least a little stronger than for this damn Aron. Is it strange that I hate him even though I don't know? I think it's jealousy. I've never been jealous. It's always been fun for me to think about that feeling, too. And now I'm lying next to Her, stroking her hair and thinking about how I hate her ex-husband, who is already dead. Surrealism.
Sometimes I look at her and realize that I will never deserve her. She is beautiful and unattainable, like a fallen star. And she's lying next to me right now. And I can touch her, I can talk to her, I can possess her. It makes me so damn happy.
I would be happier only if we had a child. Then it would seem to me that I died and went to heaven. But I'm not destined to get there because I've done too many bad things. Apparently, that's why Della doesn't want to have children so much. Is this my punishment? Not so cruel, considering that I have her...
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Inspired by The Neighborhood — Fallen Star
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Dead love in my hands (Troy Otto story/ Fear the walking dead/ ftwd)
FanfictionAfter the apocalypse, Troy Otto feels like a fish in water. He is willing to kill to protect his family and his home, as well as for the sake of science. His belligerent, unbridled nature often makes others think that he is a psychopath and a sadis...
