Dead love in my hands (Troy Otto story/ Fear the walking dead/ ftwd)

Tea

Troy got out of the car. We stopped at some abandoned gas station. I wasn't going to get out. We wouldn't find any gasoline or anything worthwhile there. Otto walked through the parking lot, then moved toward the building, while I watched the whole thing from the window. There wasn't a soul around, except for us, of course. The silence was ringing in my ears. Only the occasional gust of wind broke it. After a couple minutes, Troy started walking back to the car. He had a bottle of water and a few small candy bars in his hands. I was surprised. Finding even that was already a good thing. Cheerfully jumping into the car, Troy tossed the candy bar and it landed in my lap.

"That's all there was, but I wondered why they didn't take this too?" He was opening the package in a businesslike manner.

"Maybe they figured they weren't alone in the world and should leave a couple pieces to save someone's life," I spread my hands and said it a little judgmentally.

"Yeah, well that's okay, we got supplies from those bastards that attacked us."

"Attacked because of you."

"You're not going to get any remorse out of me, Dell. I did the right thing, I'd do it again. I don't care about those people."

"That's what's so disturbing. You don't feel anything. Yes, you had to kill them, but you have no regrets! Why? You don't feel sorry for them at all?"

He thought for a moment.

"No. I don't feel pity at all. I felt sorry for my mom and sometimes I felt sorry for you. And no one else. They're strangers, aren't they? Do you think I should feel it?"

"I don't know if you have to. But I'm definitely experiencing her. "

"I'm sorry, but I don't feel it. Absolutely..."

I put the candy bar Troy had given me in the glove compartment. I was tired. It had finally hit me killing my sister. I couldn't believe it was true. I wanted to wake up. None of this could be real. But the problem is, I've grown to like this world since I met Troy. Whereas before, I used to fall asleep wishing: "just to open my eyes in the morning and realize it wasn't real," now I was afraid that would happen. I was scared to open my eyes and not see Troy. Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep properly. Or maybe it was because, we were on the road the whole time. I slept well at the ranch.

My thoughts drifted away from my sister. I didn't want to change anything. I felt bad, disgusted, ashamed, but I wasn't sorry. I wouldn't have done anything differently, wouldn't have let her kill me. So I tried my best to chase the memories aside and lie to myself "Clara's looking for Michael and we're looking for a new home." I wanted to disappear, because I was becoming like Troy.....

"We need to go back there for gas. They must have had it. And search their house again. Let's see if there are any more supplies."

"There's a mountain of bodies, are you sure you're ready, Della?"

"Let's just go and get everything we need. And we need a home."

"We'll get to Canada, then we'll..."

"No. We don't know if we'll ever get there. We need to find a house. We may not find any more gasoline along the way."

"Della, we'll find more gasoline, don't think it doesn't exist anywhere else."

"Okay, let me put it another way, I'm not going to travel anymore, look for adventures and all that, you know? I just want to live. Therefore, we need to find a place closer to the water and the forest. As soon as something like this happens, we will stop."

For a second it seemed to me that Troy looked at me with some compassion in his eyes. Then he took my hand and his gaze became serious.

"I promise you, we'll get to Canada. And if we find the perfect place on the way there, no problem, we'll stay. But until we do, we will keep going."