Dead love in my hands (Troy Otto story/ Fear the walking dead/ ftwd)

A quoi me sert encore de prier Notre-Dame?

We were driving on a dry, hot road. The windows in the car were open, but it didn't add to the coolness, the air was hot and stuffy. I was frowning at the road. Mirages periodically flashed on the asphalt ahead. Della was passionate about assembling a Rubik's cube, which she found a long time ago in a warehouse at the ranch. Four sides were almost assembled, but the remaining two did not want to add up.

"What nonsense!" She threw up her hands.

"Can't you put it together?" A slight smile lit up my face.

"As if you can do it easily."

I slowed down the car and snatched the puzzle out of Adaline's hands. It took only a couple of minutes before I threw the assembled cube back into her hands.

"Here you go."

Della turned the toy over in her hands in disbelief.

"Don't ask. "

"No, I'll ask! How did you manage to put it together so quickly?"

"It's simple—I'm a wizard!"

Adaline waved her hand at me.

"Okay, to be honest, I've done this about a billion times already. I just memorized the technology."

"Will you tell me?"

"And what do I get for it?"

"Maybe for this I will stop thinking that you wanted to kill me. Although... No," Della shook her head, "I'm not stopping..."

"That's why you...? I understand that you have the right to be angry and think that I'm a bad guy. But in time you will realize that this is not the case."

"No, Troy, you're not a bad guy... You're a bad person."

"Do you really think so?" her words offended me.

Della looked at me uncertainty and bit her lip.

"And when you first met me, what did you think?"

"That your eyes look like they're made of ice... In general, you looked like you all were made of ice. You turned out to be too calm, unflappable. It seemed to me that you didn't feel anything at all."

"But you don't think so now, do you? Do you feel that I really love you? "

"Sometimes it seems to me that you just want to study me, that I'm your new hobby, and that's it..."

"Stop it! You know perfectly well that I can't even imagine life without you."

"Troy, I know. You've already told me. But it's so hard for me to forget everything I read in your notebook. "

"I understand, but I'll fix it, I promise."

"But how can you fix it?! Time cannot be turned back!"

"After all, if it weren't for these experiments, you and I wouldn't have met... I would still be at the base, and you... You might have ended up at the ranch, but you probably would have been shot by one of the soldiers on the perimeter if I hadn't been there."

"Oh, so you saved me by killing people? Great."

"You know, if there's a parallel universe where I didn't kill for science, then you're not fucking happy there!"

"And now? Do you think I'm happy now, Troy?"

"I'm certainly happier than with a bullet in my head!"

Della was silent for a moment.

"You know, if there's a parallel universe where this apocalypse didn't happen at all, then..."

"Well, why aren't you talking? Go ahead. Say what you want!"

"I don't want to be without you anymore, Troy. And that's why it's so hard for me. I chose a psychopathic tyrant man again. And this time it gets even worse. You're a real killer. You're really bad. But I can't imagine not being able to hug you or talk to you. I depend on you, just as you depend on me. I can't leave, although there are many reasons. And that makes it so bad..."

"Dell, can you try to just put my past actions in the past?"

"I'm trying. I'm really trying."

I took my right hand off the steering wheel and brought Della's palm to my lips.

"Sometimes I go to bed and think I can wake up without you, I did. That you're just a dream, that's all. And I'll never be able to feel you again. And if that happens one day, I'll fall. And I'm unlikely to be able to get up. I won't have a point."

"I'm not a dream, Troy. I'm real. And you're real. And that makes it even more painful."

"A quoi me sert encore de prier Notre-Dame?" I sang it ironically.

"What?"

"This is a song from Notre Dame de Paris. Haven't you heard this song?"

"Of course I've heard. I just didn't recognize her. I don't know French at all and I'm surprised by your knowledge... So what does this mean? "

Della was really surprised.

"What else should I pray to the Mother of God for now? I pray that you are not a dream. And if you are not a dream, then there is nothing more to pray about."

"Romantic."

"I know."

"We've been driving for so long, I'd love to stop somewhere," Della changed the subject, "at least stretch my legs."

"Let's find a house somewhere. I'm tired too. And I don't mind having a snack."

Della smiled. For a second, it seemed to me that we were in an ordinary world, really married and just going on a family trip for the weekend. This thought squeezed my heart, it felt like a knife had been cut through it, and it hurt me to realize that there would be no weekend trip... But I wanted it so much... I just wanted to steal her, take her to some house by the lake, be alone with her. Just me and her. Or better yet, me, her, and our child...

"There, look," Della pointed to a house in the distance, interrupting my thoughts, "will this do?"

I nodded and looked at her. If I could cry, I would probably cry now.