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Title: Back to Back | Naruto
Author: nicevibe
Genre: General Naruto
Synopsis: "Lie after lie after lie—everyone seems to know about Kari Yamada and her family except for Kari Yamada herself. Recently separated from her spiteful old grandmother, Kari had been sent from the Hidden Snow Village to live under the watchful eye of the Third Hokage.
Naturally curious, Kari can't help but question her existence. Why are they keeping secrets from her? How does her new Sensei know Kari's deceased mother? Who are the people in the photographs? Why can't Kari remember her childhood? Who killed her grandmother? Why is it that she can't know these secrets, when they're about her in the first place?!"
Achievements: @NarutoWattys2015: 1st place winner of the "Naruto Uzumaki" Category @NarutoWattys2015Admin's Choice Winner
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Review
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Description: I really enjoyed the description and it immediately lured me in with the amount of mystery placed inside it. It's also quite clear and concise- I (as the reader) immediately know who the protagonist is (Yamada Kari), where she is from, some of her personality as well as any conflict that might arise from during the fanfiction.
Rating: 5/5 stars.
|Okay, so before I delve more deeply into the review, I would like to say that these opinions are my own, and I generally try and keep personal feelings aside. I will try and be objective rather than subjective but at times it is quite difficult.|
So, firstly I would like to comment on the OC info chapter. I don't like it, mainly because I feel it's too much info on one character for my brain to handle and secondly because it gives away a couple of spoilers. I'm sure that many people out there really enjoy those kinds and of chapters and I commend @nicevibe for making such a good Narutopedia style article but I just feel it's too much. I also know some people prefer an element of mystery when introduced to a character.
Character development: Wow! Kari is an amazing character! She's just so absolutely human, even in her looks, personality traits, her actions and reactions. The author did an excellent job when developing Kari simply because Kari's progression was slow-which is precisely the correct pace. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong but you don't just overcome a fear in two chapters right? Obviously this is more for those deep fears (Like Kari's, which is the fear of large crowds). Everything about her is so realistic, and she's much more human than some of the other OC's I've read about in other fan-fictions. I love how shy she is at first and how she slowly grows out of it, it's as if Kishimoto-san himself made her! I also loved how naïve she was in the beginning of the story, it made her more likeable and less of the typical Mary-Sue, who is usually a hard-assed, independent, over powered female.
Rating: 5/5 stars
|I just have one thing to say, initially, I didn't like the fact that Kari had remains of the chakra of the ten and nine tailed foxes inside her. Just the mention of the ten tails immediately makes the Mary-Sue alarms ring in my head. I also wasn't fond of the words "eleven tails", and this is mainly because there are so many fan-fictions whose lead character is a Jinchūriki that has the supposed eleven tails sealed within them. The stereotype of the eleven tails once again paints the picture of Mary-Sue.|
Plot: I have to say, the overall plot was really good and well planned, so I have to be incredibly nit-picky when it came to reviewing this part. So things I didn't like:
1: The fact that in the beginning a lot of the scenes portrayed here were in the original anime/manga- after reading about Naruto defeating Mizuki or having to redo the transformation for about the hundredth time it does become quite boring to read and I found myself sometimes skimming over a couple of paragraphs simply because I knew what was going to happen and didn't want to read it again. I know it's important because of plot and all that but surely there are some other ways to do it? If for example you wanted to tell us that Kari knew nothing about chakra, maybe she could have seen a ninja perform ninjutsu while she was looking for her apartment.
2: The fact that there is a five man squad-I'm of course referring to Team Seven. There is a set of rules that stipulate that it has to be THREE students to one sensei, and I'm afraid that rule is quite strict and no exceptions can be made for that rule-ever. Kari should not have been placed on Team Seven because
A) Of the rule mentioned above and B) Because it's been done so many times in other fan-fictions that it's a cliché and can become predictable. I know it might be key to plot but if you really wanted Kari on Team Seven then you should move Sakura, Naruto or Sasuke to another squad. Sorry but that's just the way it works.
3: You contradicted yourself when Kari said "I'm good at remembering things" in one chapter and in a later chapter Kari said "I have a hard time remembering things". Correct me if I am wrong, though.
Things I did like:
1: The plot was well developed and went at a slow pace, giving us enough time to truly get a feel for Kari and her dilemma. We were shown everything in a clear manner, and we had a real "insider" feel in Konohagakure.
2: Kari is not a lost Uchiha, or Kakashi's daughter, or the descendant of an old, great clan with a kekkei genkai that allows her to have laser vision and shoot lava out of her toes (which is always good).
Rating: 3/5 stars
Fight scenes: I will admit, some of the fight scenes were a bit too long, and I found myself skimming a sentence or two just so I could finish it. I suggest shorter sentences, with more use of verbs instead of flowery language (not saying you used it, but just in general).
So, here's an example (though I just made the sentence up): With a burst of energy, Kari leaped through the air, ascending further and further until she landed quietly and gently on the branch of a large oak tree.
|This sentence is already too long. Fight scenes should be short and long sentences coupled together t create a steady rhythm. I know it's harder than making a fight scene for an anime because anime is visual and fan-fiction is written.|
Instead, it should read: She leaped through the air, landing high on the branch of a nearby tree.
See the difference? Although some detail was left out i.e. it wasn't mentioned that the tree was an oak tree, it still conveyed the same message, only the tempo in the converted sentence was faster, thus giving it energy and showing the reader that it is a fight scene.
Rating: 3/5
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So there you have it! Hope I helped you out @nicevibe, and that I didn't crush your hopes and dreams. :( Sorry if I did!
But guys, seriously, go check this book out! It might need a little work but it sure is worth it!
