Falling into the Chaos

Twenty: The jam? The chaos.

Zoya

As I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, my thoughts were consumed by Aditya.

I reached for my phone and dialed Dhara’s number, knowing she was the only one I could really talk to about this.

The phone rang a few times before she picked up, her familiar voice bringing a sense of comfort.

“Hey, Zoe! What’s up?” she asked, her tone light and cheerful.

“Hey,” I replied, my voice heavy with the weight of everything I was feeling. “I just… I needed to talk.”

There was a pause on the other end before Dhara responded, her voice softening with concern.

“What’s going on? Is everything okay?”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair as I tried to gather my thoughts. “It’s Aditya,” I admitted, my heart clenching just at the mention of his name. “He’s driving me crazy, Dhara. One minute he’s all over me, kissing me like he can’t get enough, and the next… it’s like he’s terrified of me. He keeps running away, and I don’t know what to do.”

Dhara listened quietly, allowing me to pour out my frustrations.

“I just don’t get it,” I continued, my voice tinged with a mix of anger and sadness. “It’s like… it’s like he’s torn between wanting me and being scared of what that means. And it’s killing me because I want him, Dhara. I want him so much, but he keeps pulling away.”

“It sounds like he’s struggling with something,” Dhara said gently. “Maybe he’s scared of getting too close, or maybe there’s something holding him back that he’s not ready to talk about.”

“I know he’s dealing with a lot,” I replied, my voice softening as I thought about everything Aditya had been through.

“But it’s just so hard, you know? I can see how much he wants me, but then he shuts down, like he’s afraid of what we could be..."

"Did you guys… sleep together?” Dhara’s voice was cautious, as if she was unsure how to navigate the conversation.

I hesitated for a second, my mind flashing back to that night, the way his touch ignited every part of me.

“We did…” I finally admitted, the words leaving my lips in a whisper.

There was a pause on the other end, and then Dhara’s voice came through again, this time more pointed.

“And do you love him by any chance?”

Her question hit me like a splash of cold water.

Love? The word felt heavy, loaded with meanings and implications that I wasn’t sure I was ready to confront. I liked him.

That much was clear. But love?

I closed my eyes, trying to gather my thoughts.

“I… I don’t know, Dhara,” I said slowly. “I know I’m attracted to him, more than I’ve ever been to anyone.....even...Yash..."

That night… it made me feel things I’ve never felt before. It’s like I’m physically craving him, wanting to be close to him all the time.

“But is it just physical?” Dhara pressed gently.

I chewed on my bottom lip, considering her words. “It’s so frustrating. I want him, Dhara.... for the way he makes me feel physically.....for the way he makes me feel… safe, understood. But every time we get close, he pulls back, and I’m left feeling like I’m chasing after something that’s always just out of reach.”