𝐓𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐌𝐄

#.. FORTY-SEVEN

"My dear love. My handsome boy Seungmin.

For that you told me you weren't able to express your feelings, you did a fairly excellent job in describing what you feel towards me, but also what I feel towards you as well. You're probably reading this after the thing I am about to do... I'm sorry everything came out the way it did. But it's not the worst thing.

I thought about killing myself first. This way I would end everything I once started, but that would mean ending our relationship as well. And that's exactly what I don't want to happen. I love you too much for that, you know that, right?

So I decided in working out things a little bit. I thought about combining everything he hates until I can't think of anything anymore. I'll get drunk till the point I wont be able to walk anymore, I'll wear clothes my father dislikes and finally, tell him that I want to stop my career as a figure skater. Perhaps, with luck, he'll beat me. Maybe to death, maybe not.

You know my father always beat me, no matter what I did. He was always unsatisfied. I tried to stop it but bringing him to his edge is supposedly the last thing that will get me away from him. Maybe even from you, but that's not what I desire.

I thought about dying since I was a young child. I was told I was worth nothing, just something my father can let his aggressions out. My mother never knew, my father told me that he'll kill her otherwise. And well, I didn't want that. I lied to my mother for around fourteen years my father hurt me. Ever since I was a four year old child.

Just last year I told her about the abuse I'm facing. Just last year I was able to gain the courage to talk to her. Crazy, right? I never realized I was a brainwashed loser, being my father's puppet. And now, where I freed myself, he doesn't like playing me anymore apparently.

I hope everything works. I hope he gets so mad and hurts me to the point I could die every second. Not in a suicidal way, I want to live. I really do. I want to experience tomorrow with you, I want to live until we both die from old age, together, next to each other.

So if it really gets to the point that I die, tell the others I'm sorry. I never meant for it to go that far. And if I die, don't be too sad. You wont have to worry about someone as selfless as me anymore.

The cake you baked me... I'm sorry but I threw it away. I never got to taste it. Maybe I'll be able to apologise to your mother personally. And maybe she'll bake it to me personally.

But lets hope everything will be fine afterwards. Then we'll be able to live the life we deserve.

I love you. And I doubt I'll ever stop.
- Your precious little Jiseok."