DESOLATION

4

INEZ

"Why?" He asked, barely controlling his anger. His eyes are shooting daggers at me. I know he is soon going to explode. I look towards his knuckles which have turned white because of holding the glass too tightly. I am shocked that the glass has not broken yet. I gulp fearfully and look into his eyes. My hands are gripping my cardigan tightly. I cannot back down now.

"I... I am too young to get married. I am only n-nineteen." I told him with fear. If I did not hold my cardigan tightly then my hands would tremble like a leaf does in the air. I don't know why but this seems to calm him down a little. He closed his eyes and then opened them again after a moment. He seems a little bit calm now. He leaves the glass.

"I don't think your age will be any problem for us. You are going to be twenty in a few months." Lorcan said calmly while looking at me. I look down at my hands. This does not seem to convince him. I have to say something else.

"I am scared." I know this does not affect him but I could not stop myself from saying this to him. A devilish smirk appears on his face.

"That you should be but not as long as you are not thinking of disobeying me. Are you thinking of disobeying me, piscín?" Lorcan asked me. His eyes are daring me to speak something which he will not like. I am not stupid to anger him further.

"No."

"Then why are you scared?". He asked with general curiosity. This is the only good thing about Lorcan. He listens to what I want to say but it is not that good because, in the end, he will do what he wants.

"You will marry me and then will force me to give you a child. I don't want any of this right now. I don't want to be a mother so soon." I tell Lorcan and look towards him. I know I look too vulnerable but this is not something new. I have always been vulnerable in front of him. He has proved many times that my opinion hardly matters when we are discussing things related to us.

I don't know what I will do if he forces me to get pregnant. I cannot think about having a baby when Evelyn is so sick and I am too young to be a mother.

"That is not an issue. You can start taking birth control pills. I will not force you to get pregnant when you don't want to." Lorcan said, surprising me. This was clearly not what I expected but I should not be fooled by his facade. I know what he really is and he has never tried to hide his real self from me. The thing which I don't understand is why he is being so cooperative. This scares me.

"You don't understand," I said defeatedly when I had nothing to say. Lorcan is looking at me amused.

"Then help me understand, piscín."

I close my eyes in defeat. I can never win against him. He stood up and came towards me. He leaned against the table and looked down at me. I lowered my gaze. He forwards his hand towards me and I could not stop myself from moving my head back. His fingers touched my cheek and he lightly moved his fingers on my cheek.

"If you give me one valid reason then I can think about delaying the wedding," Lorcan said, surprising me. I look towards him. I know he never lies and goes back on his words. I have to think of something. Something which can convince him to delay the wedding. I try hard to think of something but nothing comes to my mind.

Suddenly the words that I had never said to him before came into my mind. I have never said this to him before because I thought he knew about it and I was afraid of his reaction towards it if I said it myself. I look into his eyes. My fearful ones against his dark cruel ones.

"I don't love you," I said. His eyes turned dark and he pulled his hand back.

"It does not matter. I love you and want you. This is all that matters." This causes tears to appear on my cheeks. I don't want to marry him. I look at him with tearful eyes.