SOMETIMES

LOVING YOU

The origin of the word love can be found in the Proto-Indo-European word "leubh" which means 'care' or 'desire'. It is a latin-derived word that has now been translated into what we refer to as "love."

Some people define it as an intense feeling of deep feelings and emotions for someone.

Then there lies the concept of true love. This transcends the surface definition of the word love, ironically adding more depth and meaning to a heavily packed word. True love is believed to foster a connection that goes beyond the superficial. It's a bond that often involves understanding each other's core values, beliefs, and life goals. This connection creates a sense of companionship, where both partners feel they're on the same team, working towards common dreams. Giving to someone else, having someone's best interest and well-being as a priority in your life.

Then the dreaded unrequited love, a form of love that distorts one's ideas about the person they're in love with. You may be so caught up in your romantic thoughts for this person that it's hard to notice they don't feel the same. Romantic rejection can lead to increased yearning because it stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings.

Then there came the realization that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. The two are separate. Some people have testified to have been in romantic relationships with people they loved but were not in love with. You can love anyone and everyone but you don't fall in love with just anyone they say. They say the distinction lies in the passion, how deeply connected they become.

The concept of love keeps on changing, in my opinion, according to people's perspective, experience and desire for themselves over a long period of time. Some also discover that love looks different for everyone and that true love can only be decided and defined by one person per perspective, interaction and experience. With this knowledge in my head, how then do I identify that I have loved before and have been in love? How then, does someone like me, who has experienced accurately equal measure of both "true love" and "unrequited love" read on the love radar? This is to say, according to definitions, testimonies, advice and opinions, I've experienced both, but not to a degree where the other was the obvious answer or experience that I would take away. Sure, I cared for you, I thought of you, I grew fond of you, I gave to you. But, was that me being in love? Or was that me being me? The empath? The generous one? If that is love, then do I love all the people I do these things for? And do I have the capacity to carry such love and give it away consistently?

When I say I loved you, what did I mean by that? Was I in love with you? Or did I just love you, or the idea of you? When I gave you hours of my time, on the phone and in person, listening to all your complaints, feelings and concerns, prioritizing them over any that I had, was that me loving you? Was that me being in love with you? When I patiently listened to all of your escapades with your exes and re-living them so vividly and affectionately with you, was that me being in love with you? Was that me loving you? When you'd go off the grid and I'd make excuses for you, disregarding how it made me feel, was that neglect and sacrifice me loving you or me being in love with you? When you lied about the girl you told me not to worry about and the history you shared and I "understood," was that me loving you? When you'd drunkenly kiss another girl and sleep with them, was me forgiving you and letting things go loving you? Was it me being in love with you? When you told me you loved me and the girl that tore us apart before and couldn't choose, was me waiting for you to make up your mind me loving you? Did I do that because I was in love with you? When I would share every penny and every thing I had, no matter how small, and no matter the fact that you didn't appreciate nor reciprocate, was that me loving you? Was I doing all that because I was in love with you? Was seeing you call me bro and give me fist bumps while other girls and your female best-friend got all the affection a result of the love I had for you? Did that happen because I was in love with you? Did I let it go because I loved you? See the thing is, I was so convinced I loved you and that I was in love with you, but now that I reflect, I abhor any of that being a reality of what love is or what love will become.

Loving you was the beginning of the journey of re-defining what love was for me and what I deserved it to be, because God forbid any of that was love.

Loving you was many things, except the one thing it should have been - LOVE.