SOMETIMES

That's A Wrap...

I was there from the very beginning. I was there in the middle of it all, through the chaos, the uncertainty, the pauses. I was there in the nook of a corner by your side. I was there as your shadow, giving you the space you needed without abandoning you. I was there, and not only was I just there, but I was also fully available and at your disposal. I prioritized you; I considered you, despite it all, but to my dismay, all I ever was to you was an afterthought, a filler, an extra in a cast full of leading actors. I gave, gave and gave and shockingly, my offering to you conveyed to you a selfishness, a conceitedness that I never understood would be the driving force behind all my gestures, actions and servitude to you. I was confused. I asked myself everyday where that conclusion came from. I re-evaluated every decision and step I made in my interactions with you and in my attempts at nurturing and keeping our friendship alive. I truly tried to see where it all came from, but I was stumped. I had no answer....

Then it hit me. It wasn't even about me. It was about you. It had always been about you. You were reflecting your selfishness. You were reflecting your inconsistency onto me. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way putting myself on a pedestal or trying to make it seem like I am perfect. I am far from perfect; I make my fair share of mistakes. But it wasn't about how imperfect we were. We knew that fact from the very beginning. It was you expecting me to be perfect and to fit to the T perfectly, the description or idea of who I was in your head. That was not something I would ever successfully pull off, and because of that, I was constantly disappointing you unaware, until it was too late. When the pieces started falling in place, I was well on my way to removing myself completely from the box our friendship was. I had long reached my quota and worked out on my own the closure I needed because conversations with you were futile because you never saw the need for it. They were never important for you, nor did you ever see them as necessary and important enough to be had. So, I stopped trying. I stopped before I hurt myself way more than I could handle. I put a period to our friendship. 

Friendship was never meant to grieve and hurt someone. Friendship was never meant to make someone question themselves and ask if they were enough, if they were worth it. Friendships were never meant to make someone feel like an imposter. Friendships were never meant to feel like a favour, and yet, these are all the things I felt and went through in our friendship. That's what it was like being your friend. That's what it was like being with you and around you. I couldn't take it anymore. I no longer had the capacity to persevere through it. That is why we are here, at the conclusion of years' worth of friendship, memories and lessons. This is the end of the road.

I'm done. You're on your own now. 

That's A Wrap...