SOMETIMES

Present - Absent

Every child deserves a present parent. A parent available, at the ready, and always present to tend to, donate to, and bestow to the needs and cares of a child/their child. Every child deserves present-ness. Every child deserves a constant, consistent presence, effort, and contribution to their growth and well-being. Every child deserves love, every day, in all its shapes and forms. Every child deserves to be affirmed, encouraged, and poured into every day by their parent. Every child is deserving of affection; hugs and forehead kisses, compliments, lest they seek them elsewhere. Every child is deserving of security and safety, in their home, in their minds, and in their hearts. Every child us deserving of good, fond memories of their childhood when they blossom into adulthood. Every child is deserving of having a home they can not wait to return to.

Why then have I never experienced what I was deserving of as a child? Why then did I only get to learn and experience what I deserved as a child through television and living vicariously through others? Why, then, was I robbed of what I was deserving of? Was there something wrong with me? Why was I an exception? Why?

Why did adulthood start for me the minute I began speaking? Why were you never there, as my parent? Why were you always absent? Why did you never care? Why did you never affirm me? Why did you always leave me out? Why were you so embarrassed of me? Why were you so hostile and mean to me? Why did you hurt me? Why did you verbally abuse me? Why did you find ways to inflict pain and harm on me physically when I was innocent? Why were you always looking for my vices and never celebrating my virtues? Why did you never try to get to know me? Why did you sign me off as a stranger when I came from you?

Do you know my favourite colour?
My favourite type of food?
Do you know what size shoe I wear?
Do you know what I'm allergic to?
Do you know what my biggest fear is?
Do you know what makes me angry?
Do you know what my talent is?
When was my first heartbreak?
Who was my first bully? And for how long was I bullied for?
Do you know that I was taken advantage of at a tender age? I was "big enough," they said.
Did you know that some of the people who took advantage of me were your peers? Your family? My family?
Did you know that I was threatened?
Did you know that I learnt of sex at an age when I should have been playing with dolls and skiprope?
Did you know that I first attempted suicide at 12? Did you know that it failed?
Did you see how I used to slit my wrists? Did you notice the scars?
Did you know that I had my first taste of alcohol at 11 years old?
Did you know that I knew how to kiss, seduce, and be intimate with boy/man before I was a teen?
Did you know that I was groomed? For your peers and age mates?
Did you know that my preference and type were determined and affected by all this?
Did you know that I ended up becoming attracted to what used and abused me?
Did you know? No. Do you wanna know why?
It's because you were never there. It's because you were never a parent. It's because you never cared.

I was raised by everything and everyone else instead of what I should have been raised by - Parents.

My definition of parenthood and family life changed drastically because of what you did and didn't do.

You almost lost me. You almost reached a point where you didn't have a daughter. Do you know? Of course not, how could you? You don't know me. Our affiliation was never one of a parent and child. My presence or absence does not change things for you. I get that now. I understand that now. I've gone on my own journey now. I've unlearned, relearned, and are still learning.

I've gotten to rediscover who I am. I've gotten to have the opportunity to embark on a journey of healing. I've gotten to a point of learning how to live and survive without you. I've also learned to forgive myself and to forgive you.

I'm a big girl. I'm okay now. I'm alive. And I'm grateful, despite it all....

Your absence became the greatest presence in my life. I learned it, accepted it, grew fond of it, and ended up loving it. Let's not change it. Things are perfect just the way they are now.

Love,

Your Daughter.