Realizations

Chapter 2

Dear dia-yeah, I'm still not doing that. Where do I even begin? So I recently found the journal as my mom calls it but it's really a diary, but points for trying that my mom bought me years ago when I told her my truth. She figured that if I wrote down my thoughts and feelings since I can't really tell anyone because of the current situation I'm in, I would feel better. I mean...I guess it helps a little. Since I haven't written in years, I should reintroduce myself and catch you up on everything. What am I even doing, you're a journal you can't even respond. Now I feel stupid, whatever, I'm just going to roll with it.

Hello, my name is Rika Quill. I am fourteen years old, just recently started the second semester of eighth grade, and a girl. However, since I was little, I never quite fit in with the other girls or felt comfortable and I wasn't sure why. When I started third grade I met Kaitlyn and that's when I knew why. A couple months into third grade I developed a crush on Kaitlyn, that's when I realized I was gay. But lucky me, my dad is homophobic. I know my mom isn't thankfully and I'm not entirely sure where my brother stands on this issue.

But this led me to discover something else about me. Because my dad was homophobic and I could never be more than friends with Kaitlyn, that led me to wishing I was a guy. Being a guy would solve all my problems. If I was a guy I wouldn't be gay for liking girls and I could be more than friends with any girl, specifically Kaitlyn. Several years later after saving all my birthday and Christmas money, I went to the mall to test out a theory I had about myself. I got several shirts, pants, shorts, shoes, a beanie, a snapback, and a few other things.

Once I got home, I quickly changed into my new clothes. Let me tell you, this was the first time in my life that I felt almost comfortable in my own body and like myself. I walked into my room to grab some other clothes to change into before someone saw me since they should be getting home soon and saw Kaitlyn waiting. She looked me up and down several times while I tried to hide how nervous I was since I didn't want her to think I'm weird and lose her. After a minute, Kaitlyn said, "I'm not sure why you're dressing like that, but I like it." I smile and mentally sigh in relief.

For several weeks I was able to keep this hidden from my family with the help of Kaitlyn of course, that is until my mom came home earlier than expected one day and saw me in my new clothes. To say she was surprised was an understatement. Before my mom could say anything, I ran to my room and cried. Kaitlyn comforted me until we both fell asleep. Several hours later my mom woke us up and asked Kaitlyn to go home so that we could talk. Kaitlyn wished me luck before she left. I sat up and looked down as I nervously played with my fingers. It was quiet for a few minutes before my mom broke the silence, "Rika I just want to tell you that I love you no matter what."

That's when I burst out in tears and hugged my mom. My mom hugged me back and whispered comforting words to me while rubbing my back gently until I calmed down. "Do you want to talk about this now or do you need some more time" my mom asks. "I like girls" I whisper. "I kinda already figured that" my mom says, "I always catch you staring at Kaitlyn." I didn't think I was that obvious, maybe I didn't hide it as well as I thought I did or maybe it's because she is my mom, that is why she picked up on that. "Is that it or is there something else" my mom asks hesitantly not wanting to push me to tell her something I wasn't ready to.

"There is something else" I say, "I uh...I..." "You can tell me anything, I would never judge you" my mom says, "I love you Rika." "I think I'm..." I say, "No, I know I'm trans." "Is that why you're wearing those clothes" my mom asks. "Yes" I say. "Well, it's an honor to finally and officially meet my other handsome son..."my mom says. I look up at my mom smiling, "Ryker." "Ryker, Ryker Quill" my mom says then returns my smile, "I like that." "Thank you mom" I say hugging her tightly. "I love you Ryker and nothing is going to change that" my mom says hugging me back just as tightly.