What comes around, goes around like a hoola hoop

A Post From My YouTube Channel

Hey, I just wanted to write something someday as a text post because I want to feel relieved I said so and that, I sometimes question myself whether or not, I deserve your support or not or something. 

Well.....  I want to say that I thank every person on social media who stuck around and for all the times they supported me in every possible way. Even for the support I had got about my mental health going downhill because of drama and fake friendships that had damaged and traumatized me even more than family drama ever did my entire life that had occurred (but grew larger and larger from 2013 and afterwards). I also thank everyone who still stuck around and still supported me. 

Even a ❤️ was enough for me to feel supported, even though when it came to art, I felt supported as just an artist. (you know, supporting a person as a person or as an artist, singer and all, are two different paths/choices. It's up to you whether you support someone as both, or as just a person or as just an artist, worker, singer and all only. That's a gentle reminder.)  You know. Sometimes, I wish, and I still wish things had gone differently for me. I sometimes wished I only had my family drama on the way and not further drama with fake friends, toxicity, drama over characters I loved and considered them as simple things that make me happy and alive, regardless that I keep them all to myself, the fact I still came back into drawing, that I was hard to trust again and be myself around people who were fine with me and all. I wish I didn't have to struggle so much to still being alive and well, trusting and being myself and all, struggle with my emotions (I used to be afraid of my emotions a lot because I would be called "obsessive, toxic, that I have no reason to feel what I feel because I'm the one to blame only, I'm a psychopath, I'm crazy and I don't know what I'm saying" and such,  especially when I would speak up my side of things to everything I wish I never had to go through) and behavior as well (drama and its circumstances were the reasons why I grew so sad, angry, distant, not able to trust or open up to people easily, feeling that someone will hurt me someday somehow again and all. Even more than I already was before drama occurred). (If you know me personally, on the highest level possible, you know what I mean by that).   

You know. It's hard to simply let go of the past and bury it like I'm burying someone dead. But even myself am doing my best to heal from everything. Like I've said sometime before, there is still room for self-improvement and healing. Just because I'm calm than I was let's say, in comparison to my one year ago self, doesn't mean, that I healed completely. I'm just calmer than I was a year ago.  As for the characters I like, well, I agree to the opinion of one of my friends that it was a mistake to admit what characters I like and should have kept it to myself only because, the characters I like, were used  as weapons against me to make me hate them and grow distant from them (the characters I mean) claiming that I'm not normal for liking other people's characters (even including mine) because I am me or something, or because I have different beliefs than someone else has or something. 

Or to take revenge on me even for liking certain characters, not only just take revenge on me for just speaking up my side of things or take revenge on me for trying to move on and struggle to trust, open up, even, befriend the people who treated me better than fake friends did.  Yes, it still was abuse that everything that was said and done against me regardless of the fact that they were meant to hurt and manipulate me. (If I unalived myself because I couldn't stand this hatred, this  drama and the impact that it left on me, the despair I felt as well,  would there be any happiness of the other side's part? I hope not.  Because I remember how happy they were that they managed to hurt and manipulate me one last time two years ago and how happy they were for  "getting rid of me" and that I was the only one to blame for their  actions against me. This still is haunting me to this day whatsoever. Even though I didn't unalive myself like unfortunately, Inquisitor Ghost did in his case where the other side was accusing him of pedophilia,  this will never be justified or forgiven in any case. I will never forgive or justify the side of my case that did everything to hurt and  manipulate me. You cannot just ruin someone's life even with fake accusations such as sexual harassment, sexualisation or pedophilia just because you think it's okay and funny. However, just because none of the  other side bothers me anymore, doesn't mean I forgive them or that I  consider them good people. I would only forgive when real/genuine regret occurs. Even if I wasn't liked from the very start, for liking characters that clicked well to me, for wanting to enjoy drawing them,  for wanting to keep them to myself, for wanting to be free to like whatever I like, for my personality, for how impacted I was in the entire drama, for trying to reach out and all, there was no reason for any drama to start in the first place and also, doesn't mean that I deserved what had happened to me. 

On the day the drama started and kept going, especially when I tried to speak up of my side of things, along with the friendships I thought I had, a part of me died too. Especially my love for drawing and creating. That's why I still am feeling half-alive.)   

Overall, I am sorry if I ever made you feel tired of me for spamming my stories too much in the past when I tried to both vent and speak up. I  wanted to feel supported. To feel I was cared by someone. To feel I was being heard and none can shut my mouth. To feel important even in these darkest of times. Especially wanted to see light in the darkness. To get the weight of the past out of myself because I had bottled up everything since for some people, I wasn't "allowed" to speak or feel because I was "supposed" to be the strong one and the "silent" one at the same time.  

To be honest. Strength doesn't come from bottling up everything and trying to act all normal as if nothing had happened. Strength come from speaking up and being able to trust people again. To be your true self around the people you trust. To heal and all. I never wanted what people wanted me to be, even though I indeed was a people pleaser in the past.  

I cannot force someone to see the real me under the mask of the happy child. Nor, I can force someone to listen to me or see my worth while they themselves don't wanna see it.   

I'm not going to lie, of course I was scared through everything I came through. I was even scared of keep using social media. I was even scared of still existing as well. I wasn't only scared of my feelings. I was  feeling I should hide and never present myself anywhere ever again at some point but if I ran away and never spoke up of my side of things like a person did in the past at some point, not even discuss my side of the things with my friends and express them my thoughts, that would never had to made everything go away yet none would had ever gone to know what happened from my side of the things.  Guys, If I never had any friends (because unfortunately, we all know that the other side from my case wanted to make sure I'm alone and I  have none on my side), if I never looked up to what makes me happy, if I never got support from everyone who still stuck around, I don't know what I would have done or what would have happened to me and yet I would have never had any reasons to feel or be alive. 

Even, I wouldn't be able to embrace support, love, friendship and all. Not even be able to trust myself at all and still feel hatred towards myself as well. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by reminding all of these but if you're from the people who still stuck around despite all of this mess that shouldn't have happened in any case, thank you so much for being here. Or for still being here. Even though you're not speaking to me about that. Which is okay on my part because I consider you don't want to, that you maybe not interested in speaking on that topic, that you consider I spoke to my close friends and the people I trust and that I should remain this way because that's enough, that you don't want me to feel forced to speak, I don't know, just saying.  You know what? Sometimes, I don't need words to feel supported. Even your presence is enough to me.   

Anyways, thank you for reading this post. See you on something entertaining.