ICU TOO

Chapter Ten

MEMPHIS, TN

𝐂𝐑𝐘𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐋 

"Sweet lady Crystal, it's always good to see you." My therapist, Dr. Black said as I walked into her office. 

"Is that because you're really glad to see me or because usually when I come I've made a realization that I'm doing something wrong?" I ask taking my shoes off for comfort. 

Dr. Black smiled at my question and shrugged. "Both." She responded. "What brings you in today?" She asks me. 

"I am-- I am having issues," I tell her. "With my marriage. I don't know if the commitment I took the day I married Devale is what I am ready for." I confess to my therapist. 

"And is this because of something he did or is this a problem you're having with yourself?" She asked me. 

"Both." I quickly admit. "He lied to me about a situation we discussed numerous of times and all those times he lied to me. I feel cheated on even though he didn't cheat on me-" 

"So there was no infidelity?" 

"No, I don't think so. I hope not or that's another reason for me to leave him." I say shaking my head. 

"How'd you bring this up to him? Have you discussed it with him?" Dr. Black asked me. 

I scratch my head and sigh, "Uh not really no, we kind of argued, and then I put him out. When he came back, I didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't look at him." I tell her. 

"Does he know what he did wrong?" 

"Yeah, he does. He knows he fucked up." I tell her. 

"Okay so he knows he 'fucked up' but does he know how you're feeling? Have you sat him down and said 'When you did this, I felt this and until you do x, y, and z to fix it, we can not move forward in this marriage'?" Dr. Black asked making me go into a deep train of thought. 

I lean back on the couch and bring my feet up. 

"No, I haven't," I admit. "But I don't think he can do anything to fix it. I think I just need my space." I say shrugging. 

"If you don't mind telling me, what is the issue we're talking about? What specifically did Devale lie about that's making you want to throw everything away?" She asked me. 

"He and this girl we worked with, they were together before I met Devale. When I moved to Chicago, Devale and I started dating, we became close, like we were both there for each other during low points. So when I left Chicago after having DJ, she and Devale moved in together and they engaged in what I feel like is a relationship. He doesn't feel like it was a relationship. But as a woman and I'm sure she would feel the same way, they were dating. Either he doesn't think they dated or he's just trying to manipulate me." I tell Dr. Black. 

She wrote some things down in her notepad before looking at me and smiling. 

"I think you are trying to hold him accountable for something he doesn't think he did and it's driving you crazy, it's driving him crazy, and it's driving the two of you apart." She told me. "You said it yourself,  he doesn't think he did anything wrong. That is something he has to figure out on his own, whether or not what he did was wrong or right in his terms. Not yours. You can't make him feel like what he did was wrong, it's only going to cause a bigger fight. He has to be ready to be held accountable and you cannot do that for him. No matter how much women think we can do, we can't do it all." she said putting her hands up. 

"So you're saying I have to tell him how I feel and then step back, to let him see how to fix it himself?" I ask crossing my arms. 

"Bingo. When you express your feelings you're only in charge of you're feelings and the role you play. You cannot fix this for him and you cannot fix it by walking away. Don't walk away, not yet." Dr. Black said making me sigh.