More Than a Teacher - Ashton Irwin

13

He made me think long and hard. His words really hit me. They affect me in a way no one's words have ever affected me. They go around in circles in my brain, repeating his voice in my head.

"I didn't let anyone help me and it led me to become my own enemy."

I'm already on my way to self destruction and becoming my own worst nightmare. If I leave things any longer, I may not live to see this world much longer.

"I wish I did something earlier."

The man was visibly full of regret, something I'm already beginning to feel. Why haven't I left earlier? Things may have been so much easier if I had left when I was younger.

"I've been through it before, just let me help you like I wish someone did for me."

He's been through it before. He's been in a toxic situation like mine and it's somewhat relieving. I feel like I'm the only one in the world going through this.

Someone knows how I feel. Maybe I should open up to him. He wants to help me because no one helped him. He's experienced what it feels like to be treated so poorly and inhumanly.

He can really help me.

I just have to let him.

As he said, it may be weird in the beginning but I'll never look back. God I hope he's right. I've got to open up to him, I have to be honest. I just need to hang in there for a little longer until the perfect time to talk to him arises.

Sitting in my friend Renee's bedroom, she's yapping away about something I couldn't care less about. Ashton is all I can think about to the point it's hurting my head.

"You look like you need a drink," Renee giggles. "Wanna get my parents bottle of Hennessy?" Her eyes light up.

"Uh yeah, whatever's gonna make me sleep at night." I huff and sink further into her bed. It's only 3pm but it's never too early for a drink I guess.

As she runs down stairs it gives me a moment to organize where I'm going to stay tomorrow night.

Me: Sleepover tomorrow?

Elle: Fuck yeah I'm so making weed brownies!!

"I found these lemon lime vodka things as well."
The auburn head girl grins as she holds the glass bottle and cans in her tan arms.

Throwing me a can to start, I pop it open and exhale. Am I really going to do this? I don't want to, but I've got it in my hand now. I just know when I start drinking I can't stop. I can't control myself around alcohol so this may or may not be a long afternoon.

"Cheers gurlfriend." She clinks our cans before I regretfully take my first sip.

I'm hooked almost instantly, taking me just under 10 minutes to down the vodka mixed drink.

"Gee, want another?" She hands me a second can before I even get the chance to reply.

Hours passed and we got experimental with her parents' liquor downstairs. I was having shots of tequila here then swirling rum in a glass there.
By 7pm the both of us were completely wasted giggling madly as we swayed around the kitchen in an attempt to keep each other up. In another few hours and we were passed out in bed.

•

Waking up at 11am the next day is not my brightest moment. I'm in a world of confusion and hurt as my head throbs. Can someone tell me why on earth I do this to myself? I swear I will never learn.

Goosebumps arise on my skin as I notice I'm in my bra and my sweats, my shirt around my neck.

Swiftly yanking it on, I turn to see Renee fully topless with legs hanging off the side of the bed. It wasn't an unusual thing for my girl friends and I to see each other naked. Sometimes I go sit on the toilet seat whilst Elle showers and have the most casual chat. At the end of the day us girls all had the same anatomy. Well kind of. I feel as if my body, especially nowadays, is much different to my friends. Seeing their bodies, it ignites a sense of insecurity in me.

They have round and full breasts, whereas I just fit into A cup bras. I'm quite bony and skinny whereas they have curves and nice waist lines with a good thigh to them. I could barely keep weight on and It makes me look dull and weak.

It makes sense as to why though. I don't eat that much because I can't afford it, but when I can, I'm too anxious to eat. It's a vicious cycle really.

I pinch the bridge of my nose as the light beaming into the room burns my eyes.

"God." I mutter and sit up to get on my feet. I find a piece of paper and a pen, scribbling a quick thanks and that I have to go back home, leaving it on my side of the bed.

As bad as I feel for leaving, I just want to get to Elle's place and chill.

I pick up my things and leave quite abruptly, catching the next bus to the stop a few houses down from Elle's. At this stage, my head feels like it's going to explode. My brain is aching and my eyes are sensitive to the light. I am for sure swaying all over the place as I walk to her house. I stumble straight into Elle's house without knocking and throw my bags down at the door.

"I need pain relief." I groan, sitting on a stool in the kitchen as Elle puts a tray of what looked to be pot brownies in the oven.

"Well hello to you too. God, you look shithouse."
She swings around, closing the oven.

"Yeah thanks Einstein, as if I couldn't already tell." I lie my head on the cold counter top.

"Hungover?" She questions and retrieves paracetamol for me.

"Yeah," I sigh. "Too many drinks with Renee."
"Well get these into you then a brownie when they're done and you'll feel good as gold." She chirps, handing me pills and a glass of water.

She begins washing up the bowl and spoons as I eye the bag of weed with a few nuggets left.

"Why didn't you grind it all and use the whole lot? They're not going to be as strong."

"Fucking Harry. He reckons I owe him so I had to leave a little so he can have a joint." She rolls her eyes as she wipes down the bowls with a tea towel.

"We should really grow our own plant. Just a little one for us three to use." I suggest, swirling my glass of water.

"Hey, not a bad idea," She nods and points her finger at me. "Just gotta keep it hidden otherwise Dad will rip it straight out."

"True, not to mention how illegal it is." I chuckle, comprehending the fact we are teenagers planing to plant a marijuana plant in our Australian backyard.

She resorts to her phone for a while, sitting up on the bench giving me time for my mind to continue ticking over Ashton's words. They are embedded in my brain, driving me insane.

I want to know more. I'm curious. I'm intrigued to know his story and I think I'm ready to tell him mine.

I wonder what happened to him? How did he get to where he is today? If we hadn't run into each other at the laundromat yesterday, I wouldn't have had a clue that he's had a damaging past. He seems like such an average person.

"Whatcha thinking?" The brunette across from me stares intently as if she's trying to read my mind.

"Oh just school." I shrug and press my lips together. I play with one of my stud earrings that I had pierced when I was thirteen with Elle.

"We've got exams and shit coming up. I'm so not prepared," She dramatically draws out her words and throws her head back, accidentally hitting the back of it on the wall. "Oww, the fuck?" She rubs her head with a frown.

"Wait, did you say we have exams coming up?"
My eyes widen in panic.

No they can't be. If Elle is not prepared, I'm sure as hell I'm not. I can't even recall what I've learnt last week let alone the whole syllabus. If I want to make a better life for myself, I need to have good grades.

Maybe I should accept that might not happen. I don't think I can teach myself the whole terms worth of information. My brain just doesn't work like that. If I'm being completely honest, I feel like I'm only on a spiral down, with everything.

This is exactly why I need to speak to Ashton. I'm slowly losing it. Becoming more and more damaged as days go by, making me believe the mental mess I've become is irreversible.

I'm not sure if I can be fully fixed. I mean, I'm sure I am far too broken for that. But maybe he can glue a few pieces back together, maybe.