Start Over

2

Beyoncé | Los Angeles, California

"I miss you, like everyday
Wanna be with you, but you're away
Said I miss you, missing you insane
But if I got with you, could it feel the same"

Who knew that a song that I wrote could bring so much pain for me to even hear regardless of it being years since I wrote it?

I just couldn't pull myself to turn it off. I mean, I've tried to hide it from my playlists in the past and everything but it seems to always pop up. Especially on today of all days.

April 5th, 2007.

Today was the anniversary of her going missing. It pained me to not be able to see my first born again. My twin, Akira Giselle Brown. It's been fourteen years since she went missing. Fourteen years since I saw her beautiful face, fourteen years since my relationship with my first love ended in a nutshell.

It seemed like we both were just hurting one another trying to hold onto the strained relationship that formed once she went missing. It was like we were fighting one another with words everyday. While yes we still loved each other, the thought of our daughter being literally snatched away from us hurt the both of us to just continue our relationship. We had no choice but to let each other go.

When we ended things back in 08', I was so distraught. I wasn't in my right mind to do anything. From the guilt of not being able to protect my daughter to being angry at myself for taking all my anger out on Y/n when all she did was try and comfort me. I knew she was hurting too but I couldn't see it up to that point, I just looked straight past it.

My dad was still managing me at the time and even though he didn't approve of my relationship and the fact that I got pregnant so early, he still showed his support when he found out Akira went missing. Actually, everyone that knew of her existence was. The public didn't know about her nor my relationship as I had went into hiding when I found out I was pregnant. Everyone assumed it was because I was pregnant but they thought it was Shawn's.

Shawn obviously was upset when he found out I was pregnant. I mean, I didn't know what he expected. I made it clear to him that I didn't want him at all. I didn't love him. All I wanted was her. And for a short period of time, I did have her. Well, until I fucked up.

After Akira went missing and we broke up, Shawn seemed like the only one that comforted me besides my family. With Y/n gone, I was missing that welcoming feeling of a significant other and Shawn was the one that provided it. So naturally I ended up gravitating towards him. I was so emotionally detached from everything that I allowed myself to fall into the succumbing trap that surrounded him.

I allowed myself to stay in the hands of him for nearly nine years. Physically, I was with him for those nine years but emotionally, I wasn't. Emotionally I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't really feeling anything and I was moving on auto pilot. I remember I tried to leave him before I found out I was pregnant with Blue. Or even before we went along with marriage. But, he wouldn't let me. Nor would my father.

It felt like both of them were tag teaming in keeping me with him no matter how hard I tried to get away.

About two years after I had Blue, Shawn was caught cheating. While I didn't care, Solange damn sure did. Solange beat the living shit out of him. I'm pretty sure she would have killed him in that elevator if it wasn't for me pulling her back when I felt her heal was hitting fatal parts.

No one in the family knew I tried to leave multiple times. I tried to leave when he first cheated, but I ended up staying since he threatened me to the point that I had no choice but to stay. I made up the excuse to my family that I loved him and I was staying for Blue.

Now, the straw that broke the camels back was when he got caught cheating a second time. I didn't care what he did no more. He tried to act like a perfect father to Blue and avoid the conversation but I could see right through the bullshit. He would deflect the cheating and accuse me of Blue not being his.

I wished she wasn't

It was to the point where I called Julius to pick me and Blue up and take us to my Mama's house. I couldn't stand being in the presence of him anymore. Mentally, I wasn't stable enough to be with him. I wished I got out earlier but I was in too deep. I was set on finally divorcing him. I knew he would put up a whole fight for Blue in the custody battle just to see me suffer. I knew he would because he told me. In his words, "if you ever tried to leave me, imma make sure I get full custody of mine. Imma make you feel it twice to lose yo daughter again" that was the only reason I kept on a fake smile when family would ask of our relationship.

At that point I was more angry than scared. With that knowledge, I went to the studio and worked on my album lemonade with some amazing producers. I poured out nine years of pain and suffering into that album. I wanted the world to know how fucked up Shawn was as a whole. He wanted to see me suffer? He was gonna get it 10x worse with what I was bringing.

And he did.

When we went to court, I forced myself to show the physical damage he brought to me. While they were rarely there, they were still visible enough to understand what he put me through. I gave receipts of threatening messages and I even asked Julius to be a witness as he came and got me multiple times when I felt like he could have killed me with how angry and possessive he got.

Since the judicial system is fucked up, they only gave me full custody of Blue and made Shawn follow a lifetime restraining order. He agreed to that instead of jail time.

The public only knew of the cheating scandal since I spoke on it in the album. Shawn's team were the ones that covered everything else. At this point, I just wanted to take what I got and take my baby home. I felt so guilty for having to put my little girl through that. She was only 3 at the time and I had to explain to her that her father wouldn't be around anymore.

I spoke to Shawn's mother about being the one to give him Blue whenever she wanted to see him but it seemed like he didn't care for her after the divorce was final. That was fine by me honestly.

While Shawn was picking up the pieces of being dropped from multiple brands and loosing a large lump some of money when I removed myself from anything and everything we had associated with one another, I was here. Alone at a crossroad between my mental health, taking care of Blue, and still holding on to the guilt of destroying my first family.

It's been two years since all that and I still didn't know what to do with myself. I needed a sign. A sign that would show me that my baby was still alive and that what I was going through was only temporary and that I would be back on my feet, touring and seeing all my fans.

But, until then, it was just me and my baby.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

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Hi lovelies 🫶🏾.
Just now the drama I have plannedddddd
Y'all might kill me but wtv 💀.
Sorry for posting it late, I meant to do it earlier 🫠.
Enjoy n comment n all that 🤸🏾‍♀️.