Stray Kids Drabbles

Skz finds you battling self-harm (1)

A/N: In these next eight drabbles, a member is dating you and finds you struggling with a different issue that can be considered a form of self-harm. Although my drabbles are fictional, maybe these can bring you a little comfort. There will be different trigger warnings listed for each. Life can be incredibly difficult and I know it can be bumpy sometimes. Please remember to be kind to yourself this year <3 

Trigger warning: Cigarettes and brief mention of cancer.

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"What is this?" Chan gestured towards you.

"What does it look like?" You grumbled with the end of the cigarette in the corner of your mouth.

You ignored your boyfriend and kept glancing off into the darkened sky. You thought he was asleep as you stepped out onto your balcony, but apparently not. Either he wasn't asleep or you accidentally woke him up when you snuck out of your shared bed.

He stayed quiet while he observed you. You ignored his heavy gaze and pretended he wasn't there. You adjusted the cigarette back to the middle of your mouth. The end glowed a warm orange while you inhaled another mouthful of the smoke.

The oversized hoodie hung off your body. You threw it on hoping it'd catch the scent of nicotine instead of your pajamas. Silence hung over the two of you along with the stars. You didn't utter a word. Quite frankly, you didn't want to tell your boyfriend why you were outside on your balcony smoking a cigarette at 4am.

It was almost like he could read your mind. You exhaled and the tendrils of smoke drifted off into the distance. Realizing this was his chance, Chan broke the silence.

"Do you wanna talk abo-"

"Nope," you cut him off.

He pressed his lips together trying to figure out what to say to you. He knew whatever you were going through was bad. You only turn to cigarettes when life seems unbearable. Too caught up in his own life, he hadn't realized you were struggling so much. Worry and guilt began to nip at him.

He had shifted to wrap his arm around you in the bed, but you weren't there. When he opened his eyes, he was met with a barren bed and your silhouette outside on the balcony. He knew what you were doing the moment he opened the balcony door. He was instantly engulfed by the scent of tobacco.

No wonder you tasted so much like peppermint lately. Chewing peppermint gum, one piece after the next. Showing up to his studio tasting like mouthwash. You brushed your teeth after you smoked. Swishing around mouthwash and chasing the mouth-burning liquid with more minty gum hoping it'd block out the scent.

"Bad day?" He finally offered.

You snickered, "more like a bad life."

His heart squeezed in his chest at your remark. Surely, you didn't associate him with the bad part of your life, did you? Yeah, he was busy a lot because of his job, but what about the times you shared? Was it all bad?

Sensing his worry, you changed your wording.

"It's not a bad life, but things seem to be piling up lately. It's one thing after the next after the next. I purchase a pack of cigarettes and then the nicotine releases dopamine. I know it's bad, but it brings me a state of peace. Is it terrible to just want to relax for a while?"

"No," he admitted after a few silent seconds. "It's not bad, but it's dangerous."

You let out a sigh and closed your eyes. In the brazen moonlight, Chan could see everything. The full moon lit up every feature of your face. Seeing you like this beneath the soft glow, he wanted to smile, but your words twisted him with trepidation.

"I know I should care," you reopened your eyes. You blinked trying to hide the tears building up. "But honestly, I really don't give a shit. It says right on the box that it can cause lung cancer. I already feel rotten enough on the inside, so maybe it's what I deserve."

"Nobody deserves that."

You stared down at the burning cigarette in your hand. Embers drifted into the darkness while others scattered onto the ground below. The rolled paper around the cigarette continued to burn. Your brain begged for you to take another hit of the nicotine, but now your heart was in turmoil.

"You are an adult, you know. You're free to live your life as you wish. No matter what you choose to do, I can't stop you. However, as your significant other, I don't want to see you hurt."

"I know," your voice came out weak. All those emotions you had been suppressing were coming up again. "Can I be honest?"

"Of course, you can."

"I hate the taste of them," you chuckled and dropped the cigarette. The heel of your shoe crushed it into the ground. Your fingers gripped the metal ledge of the fence around the balcony.

Chan didn't utter a sound.

"It's been going on for a while, unfortunately. For a month, at least, and I'm not sure if I can easily stop." You hung your hands together over the edge of the railing.

"That's alright, you don't have to quit cold turkey. Maybe try to wean yourself off of them, okay?"

"Okay."

Tobacco stained your teeth. The soured flavor clung to your tongue. The scent draped over you like a heavy curtain. You bit down on the inside of your cheek wondering how you were going to pull yourself away from the thing you spent the past month finding comfort in.

"You don't have to do it alone," Chan spoke up again. "I'll be right here if you need me. You can talk to me whenever you need to."

You nodded your head.

"Do you want to discuss what made you turn to them in the first place?"

"Not really."

"Then we don't have to do that." He turned back to the moon and changed the topic. "The full moon is beautiful tonight. I don't remember the last time I've been able to stare at the moon like this."

"It's nice."

"Peaceful and quiet."

You mumbled an agreement as a yawn left your mouth.

"You wanna go back inside and get some more sleep?"

"That sounds good."

Not bothered by the scent, Chan walked over and put an arm around your shoulders. The two of you walked back into your bedroom. He locked the balcony door while you pulled off the hoodie you were wearing. You headed to the bathroom to brush your teeth.

After climbing into the bed, you curled yourself up against your boyfriend, happy that you were able to find someone as patient and understanding as him.