Now, it was night.
Mikey sat on the edge of the bed. JJ was sleeping, not even the slightest bit aware of Mikey's distress. In fact, he hadn't seen the signs that he was putting on an act all day. He'd even fallen asleep thinking Mikey would stay snuggled with him for the rest of the night, but that wasn't the case.
"Who was I to think he'd just magically improve after getting out of jail?" Mikey thought, procrastinating. "Jail isn't what he needs. In fact, he needs mental help. As in, therapists and whatnot. But the problem is, he doesn't want that, because of his one bad experience with a lady in the past. He says I'm all he needs, but in the long run, what can I really do for him?"
Maybe time was all he needed. Time, and he would get better on his own.
"I'm certain he was only like that because he was insane, and was obsessed with the mission to find the cure during the zombie apocolaypse. Now that there's none of that, and the world is back to normal, maybe some time to adjust to that is the solution."
Yes, that was the answer. So no more need to procrastinate. But Mikey just couldn't get himself to settle down; he wanted to do something. Looking around, he suddenly noticed something in one of the shelves - JJ's shoes, and a book of some sort. The book was what was interesting; Mikey had never seen it before. He went to go grab it, but he suddenly realized how rude it would be to snoop through something that wasn't his.
"JJ could have some really private stuff in there!" Yet, despite this realization, Mikey couldn't fight his curiosity. "Well, he doesn't have to know I looked at it... I'll just have one look. Just one. It won't even be a big deal."
That was enough for him. Mikey grabbed the book and started at the first page, skimming through the nicely-written words to find something interesting. Eventually, he stopped after seeing the word "prison."
My first day in prison. They asked what I was in for, and I was afraid to answer at first. All of the guys here are huge and intimidating, and for a minute, I thought they would beat
me up if they heard my response. Thankfully, their reaction was the exact opposite. They all thought I was cool - in fact, they turned out to have commited crimes on the same level as me. Later, I met my inmate. His name was Bundy. He'd gone to jail for dealing drugs, and he'd even admitted to getting into some bar fights a few times. Despite his apparent
reputation, he was rather nice to me. He respected and treated me almost like a friend, and it reminded me of Mikey. I miss him... I hope he forgives me.
"Yuck. Prison." This only fueled Mikey's disdain for jail. He'd been there for unfair reasons numerous times, and they'd never been fun. "What's with the reputations? The fear of getting beat up? It's ridiculous."
He flipped to the next page.
Now I know why Bundy has been so nice to me. He was buttering me up so I wouldn't suspect him to anything to me. But he did; he tried to violate me today. He said he'd give me the time of
my life, but I threatened him, and he respectfully backed off. If he'd have tried to rape me, I wouldn't have been able to fight him off. He's twice my size. I'm scared out of my mind at this
point, but I can't let any of it show. This place will eat you up if you show any size of weakness. I don't want to be here, but I deserve it. I need to serve my time, so that I can start being better for Mikey. When I'm out doing labor and around other people, I try not to think of him, but it keeps me up at night. I miss him so much... more than I ever have before. It's probably because I love him now, and he's more important to me. Every night I want to go home to him and forget this all happened, but I can't. I don't even know if he forgives me. Is he thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about him? Will this all be worth it? I'm doing this for him.
Mikey anxiously started to fumble through the pages, seeing the words "fear," "rape," and mentions of Bundy in almost every page. Dear god, how bad was this prison? He stopped on one entry after seeing the word "cannibalism" in the first sentence. Worried beyond belief at this point, he decided to read the full thing.
At lunch, two guys brought up how they've worked together and killed and eaten people in the past, acting as their own cannibalism institute and sometimes selling body parts to other people on The Black Market. As they were on the subject, Bundy randomly butted in with "JJ killed and ate a girl's body once!" And everyone looked at me. Since they were clearly okay with crimes about cannibalism, I wasn't afraid of their reactions, more like frozen in shock at the random change in subject. I started to explain it to them, and they were very intruiged by it. As images of the scene started to come back to me, I felt... rejuvinated? Like, I felt this rush of excitement. They all praised me for doing it. The guys who haven't done such before asked me how it tasted. I recalled it; the best version of meat I've ever had. The whole incident was strange; I felt very different. I managed to calm myself down, but I got to thinking again once Bundy asked me if I
planned to do it again when I get out of prison. I have to face the truth - Mikey doesn't forgive me. I should do whatever I want when I get out of here. It would feel amazing to see the fear in someone's eyes as I sl i t
The entry ended abruptly there. Mikey was downright scared now, but he kept flipping through the pages. All the way until the end. There, he found an entry from only twenty minutes ago.
I wanted to do it so bad. He showed up so randomly, and he was insulting and accusing him of so many things. I managed to get outside alone with him, after taking a knife from the kitchen. I planned to take it slow. I had all the time in the world, or so I thought. He came outside and stopped
me. Seeing his reaction made me feel bad, because I had promised to try and do better. But Bundy's consistent encourgment during my months in prison has convinced me not to; I'm only telling Mikey that so we can be happy together. He doesn't have to know about my real intentions. I had the knife in his throat, just a little, and I swear I saw just a sliver of fear in his eyes. That's what I crave. That, and the blood. I wanted to see so much more... I wanted to choke him on his own god damn blood, as he deserved for saying all that to my Mikey. Mikey seemed to forget about it afterwards so easily, and I was glad for that. We spent the rest of the day together, unbothered, and happy. That's what I need. Us happy together, alone, nobody else. As long as I can keep him out of the way of my desires, things will be okay.
Mikey was shaking so hard he nearly dropped the book. This was more than instrusive thoughts, JJ had some sort of plan. A plan to keep doing bad things, except this time, behind Mikey's back, so he could keep their realtionship together. As he resisted the urge to cry, he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the bed creak, and then a noise.
"Mikey, why do you have that?"
Mikey saw no point in trying to hide anything, and turned the book around and showed the latest entry to JJ.
"What... what is this?"
After skimming over the words, JJ unexpectedly burst into tears. Mikey was startled by this, but he was even more suprised when he suddenly yanked his arm and squeezed him so tight he could hardly catch his breath.
"It's not true!" JJ shouted. "It's not true! It's all intrusive thoughts! Ideas I never wanted to truly engage in! I wanted to discard everything, but that book was all I had in prison! I had to get my intrusive thoughts out someway or another!"
Mikey didn't know what to think right now. Without thinking, he reached his hand up and started to pat JJ's head, staring distantly at nothing in particular. JJ kept crying, and Mikey wanted to do the same thing in that moment.
"What are we going to do?" He thought, feeling hopeless. JJ subdued himself for just a moment, getting Mikey's attention.
"Please don't leave me." He begged, his eyes pleading. "I didn't mean any of that. I didn't. I really didn't."
Looking at him only made Mikey realize how much he needed him now. Hypothetically, if he was trying to get better, leaving him would only make things worse. He remembered when JJ had said his belief in him is what he lived for now, and after, he couldn't find it in him to say anything other than:
"I won't."
