controversial thoughts n opinions

The son my parents wanted

He is good at studies, he has good manners, he thinks of his family first, he has good survival skills, is hardworking, focused, supports his family from such a young age...

I can't help but be terribly jealous.

Because he is really the son my parents wanted.

Back when we got drunk and he tells me that he would always put his family first, and that he wants to settle down someday, have wife and kids of his own...

I didn't know I just felt it was all so incredibly pointless.

I couldn't give back to my parents.

They always wanted a son to take care of them when they are old, support them financially.

When I see him do all that, I remember my parents expectations...

I'm not a good daughter

I feel unwanted.

I feel so terrible.

And when I remember they probably want a son in law like him it tears my heart apart even more.

Especially when he raised his head from my shoulders and said I am so comforting and that he would give me the world's best princess treatment if I was ever his girlfriend.

I don't want it.

I don't want to get married.

See a guy prioritize his family over me all his life.

I dont want to be with a medium ugly guy for the rest of my life who makes me question my worth everyday.

And I don't want my daughter to see that shit and think its normal.

I don't want her to look at her father and think that how can a man be such a good father but a bad husband?

I don't want her to question if a man's love is just restricted to her body and what she can give him.

I dont want to end up like my mother.

I don't wanna ruin my life here.

I just want to remember him as my drunk first kiss that I regret.

Just a part of my 20s.

I want to be selfish, I want to be stubborn.

Even if I get comfortable with him, even if that's what he wants from me or that's what my parents or society wants from me.

I want to stand firm and say no.

I want to be that single woman, I want to have a lots of money.

Yes, take care of my parents too cause they are mine.

But I don't wanna give in due to some expectations.

Because yes I am pretty and yes when I love, I love too deep and a lot of people wont be able to give you that.

I want to give this love to those women who have nothing.

Who lost everything because of a man and this society.

Today when I woke up I regretted last night's kiss, I regretted getting drunk with the dude.

Because yes, I am weak.

I am very weak.

And I don't like showing my weakness.

Its pointless to depend on a guy when our paths are so different.

Alcohol and men will ruin your life.

They will show you the darkest places that you had never imagined in your worst nightmares.

But when times get rough, I want to continue remain stubborn.

Someone called me resilient, they said that I was strong.

And I know I am.

Yes, I am weak but also I am strong.

I may not be able to become the son my parents wanted nor give them a son in law.

But I want to be the daughter, young girls look up to and wish to become.