When Hearts Heal

Chapter 10

The next two months that followed seemed to just fly by and before I knew it, it was already Christmas time. The most loneliest time of the year...

Now, I know what you're thinking, it's supposed to be a time for joy and celebration, spending time with family. But that was exactly my point. For the last 3 Christmases, I had someone. I had Jared. But this is the first Christmas in a while that I don't have someone to love... It's the first Christmas in a while where I didn't have to spend months picking out the perfect gift or find the prettiest dress to wear out with him, or eating our favorite holiday foods together and hear him say how it tasted like home. It was none of these things and frankly, I have forgotten how to spend Christmas when you're single... 

"I hear you, " Maya tried to comfort me as I placed another plate of Christmas food on the table. "But what exactly are you missing  this year?" 

I looked at her with a look as if wanting to say 'Are you kidding me ?' 

"Okay, okay, I know you miss the obvious stuff. But do you really miss having to act happy when he gives you another gift that was clearly low effort and last minute while you spent MONTHS picking out his? Or do you miss having to fight with him because you hated going over to his family's house and having to defend yourself? Do you miss him pouting and manipulating you the week leading up to Christmas about trying to get you to go somewhere with him when you've made it clear multiple times that you weren't interested, only for him to sulk the entire time and give you the silent treatment when you spend time together? Girl, I'm sorry if this is going to sound harsh but you should not miss mediocrity. I know the first year of going through these things alone is going to suck, but trust me when I say it's going to be worth it when you can spend holidays with a healthy person in a healthy way." 

I listened to her talk as if I was hearing these things for the first time again. I knew it was all true, I just didn't want to believe it. The truth is, I didn't miss any of those things, she was right. But I did miss being loved. I miss spending months picking out the perfect gift for someone, I miss kisses underneath the mistletoe, I miss singing Christmas songs in the car and having a hand to hold while watching Christmas movies. I missed the companionship. 

"Thank you for reminding me of what I didn't miss." I politely answered while dishing up some trifle in a bowl. 

I didn't understand how I could go days, even weeks without him getting to me, and then suddenly on a day like today it hit me and then I felt my world crashing down again. I'm no sports aficionado but if I were, that would put another point on the scoreboard for Jordan where he got one over on me. 

"I hope he's happy, and not sulking like I am into a bowl of Christmas trifle." 

"You got to stop thinking about him, Adi. So what if he's on a beach in the Caribbean or bawling his eyes out on the couch, who cares? You have no business thinking about that man and caring about what he's doing. I say good riddance. " 

"I'm too good of a person..." I admitted. 

"Yeah, you are, stop thinking about him because he doesn't deserve another second to stay in your thoughts. That is not a motel for narcissistic abusers." She answered tapping her index finger on her head. 

That one hurt to hear...but I knew she was right. Why should I be the one that is hung up about him? Why should I be the one that can't get over him? I often asked myself if there was something wrong with me and I guess as time progressed I realized that he just wasn't that special, to begin with...so maybe Maya was right, it was time I let Jared go...let him go, all the plans we made and the memories we shared. Maybe one day it won't be as painful to think about the memories we shared together but for now, I had to let it go. I have to start moving on. 

At least for me.