Gabsile

Permanent Damages

****Duduzane Buthelezi ****

After less than two hours in a plane from Johannesburg to Gateway International Airport we step out of the aiport and into the stupid shuttle. My body feels heavy, my head hurts , my heart aches , I feel like a six year old kid whose parents didn't show up at his  school concert except Im not disappointing and angry at my parents , Im angry at myself , It feels like im halfway to hating myself. I want to scream , I want to run away , to abandon my skin and body and bones and run. I cant call my wife because I feel like she will know that I fucked up . I can't even stare at myself in the mirror anymore , I want to fix this , make it all go away but I cant.

I don't even realise that we have arrived and everyone has gone out of the car until Mpilo taps my shoulder. My throat feels dry , my tongue feels swollen and rough ,I swear I can almost taste metal. I put on my sunglasses to hide the dark circles under my puffy eyes and I run my heavy hand on my head ,this is the begining of a life long nightmare.

Everything goes by quickly , I'm soo far up in my head , panicking because I have to tell Siyanda , I could loose my marriage , loose the love of my love and my lovely daughter .I hear voices and its only when Mpilo elbows me in the ribs that I realise that it's quite and people are looking at me , and I clear my throat. ' I'm sorry , can you please repeat your question? " I ask
'It wasn't a question, it was an instruction ,as Kholo's father I can tell that you don't love her and you don't even want to be here and I won't force you to marry her but you're going to make room for her in your house , she is your baby mother and will not go through this pregnancy alone , she can move out after she gives birth , if she wants" he says cooly and I close my eyes and nod. Great.Just.Fucking.Great.

After shaking hands I turn down the food and go sit in the car with my eyes closed.Mpilo comes back with a suitcase and I see Siyanda placing her ring in the palm of my hand and leaving me. 'Courtney and I will move out so she can have a room under your roof " Mpilo says as he slides next to me .
'Its fucken over you know, I'm going to loose her " I say .

****Siyanda Buthelezi ****

At 3 a.m Sonini's phone rings , we slept like sardines in my bedroom after a few glasses of wine and some board games. 'Hello' she says and she instantly sit up straight , ' We will be there first thing tomorrow" she says before ending the call. She throws things in her suitcase and tells me to shower quickly while she wakes Courtney up and I do as I'm instructed. We write a note for my mother and she tells me to leave the keys and my baby because its serious and that she will explain once we land in johannesburg.  She calls the aiport shuttle and within thirty minutes we board a plane.

****Duduzane Buthelezi ****

Our mother helps Kholofelo settle into our nursery and I go for a drive around the neighborhood  . I cannot stand this woman and I can't get rid of her either , I can't stand myself either. Mpilo told me to stop being a coward , to fight for my marriage  because aparently this is what we meant when we said 'for better or for  worse" in our vows but where do I start ? I can't fight for something I lost , I knew that it was a bad idea, I just thought I would get away with it or worse money would get me out of it. I keeo thinking that Kholofelo is doing this to purposefully destroy my marriage, she isn't mother material. She never was but she is keeping her baby , a baby that wasn't made out of love , a mistake and its not because of money, she comes from a comfortable life  , a well off family .

****Siyanda Buthelezi ****

Once we land Sonini instructs our driver to take us to my house and then she starts explaining.  So apparently her husband called Mama to clear the nursery room because a guest was coming. Now this guest arrived and its not a man or a family member its a picky pregnant woman with the worlds most disgusting attitude who claims to be Duduzane's baby mother and claims that she will get uMama fired because she refused to bring her food in the bedroom. Duduzane hasn't slept at home .

When we arrive I hardly have the strength to move , to get out of the car , to face the woman.  I want to make it go away , I love my husband and maybe we could make it work , we could talk, reach a conclussion but how dare he ?. I force myself out of the car and into the house where I find a woman wearing my gown and eating breakfast ontop of the kitchen  counter. 'Oh you're here already?" She says and I take one look at her , at her baby bump and I feel the tears betraying me. I can't fight with her , I can't even move .

****Duduzane Buthelezi ****

I come back home once I feel like im in a better headspace. Instead of going in the house I stay in the car and plan how im going to break the news to Siyanda , I type and delete a text , I dial her numbers and let my finger hover above the call button and I lock and unlock my phone.  When I close the car door and head inside I notice that its quite , disturbingly quite. But then again Kholofelo is probably in bed and Ma went home and maybe Mpilo went to bed too or he is out doing whatever.  I place my keys on the counter and thats when I see them ; Siyanda , Courtney, Sonini ,Ma and Kholofelo sitting on the couch, looking at me. ' I want a divorce" Siyanda says and I feel like I can't breathe.