Gabsile

Love is one of the choices

****Siyanda Buthelezi ****

I love him and I hate that because I'm not supposed to love him , loving him requires overlooking the current problem and situation and moving on but we aren't dealing with a concubine he kept in the dark that suddenly came knocking on my door demamding to see him . We are dealing with a child , someone who ties him and her together until eternity,  we are dealing with a recurring problem , she will always be there , always be disrespectful and I won't be able to do it , not now when she walks around with a perfect baby bump and not when the baby will be here on earth .

The past few months have made me realise that I don't have to choose love  if its going to break me , if it makes my blood boil and drive me soo far up that I almost want to murder him . I don't want to be with a man who takes life changing decision without consulting me in an effort to protect me. I went to therapy after I took the Range Rover and moved into the apartment he bought me , I didn't enjoy the first few sessions because they required me to dig deeper but Ive gotten the hang of it and im doing okay. Im still a teacher , still Xenzo's mother and I stay with her , I don't wear the ring anymore , I feel better , I view life in a better light. Instead of moving onto the next man ,I'm moving onto my best self . I'm not doing anything for the sake of my baby , im doing things for the sake of myself , because In order to be the best mother , the best friend and colleague I need to be and feel like my best version. I'm not thinking of divorcing him yet but Im nearly there , being away from him made me realise that there isn't anything left to go back to and that I don't want to go back because I love him or because of the comfort and safety of being his wife.

I look at my learners and feel joy blossoming in my heart. When I was still freshly wounded I looked at them with envy because adulting was really hard and I wanted to be them ;free , with plenty of years ahead , with bright futures , full of love and happiness . Now I look at them and smile  because the storm is over. Duduzane is still a well respected man in his area of work, he stays with his daughter every weekend , his family still treats me with kindness and him and I  can have conversations now. He tried therapy too , he took up kick boxing , he fixed things with Khokofelo and is patient and willing to give me all the time and space I need.

Mpilo proposed and Courtney turned him down , Sonini and Senzo are still great , and we can hang around. I was never a makoti , I was a sibling and a friend , I was one of them , treated like royalty and I will forever be greatful. I miss having them really closeby but I love this distance , I need to carve out my own life without them. 'Okay angels one last question of the day , its a simple one , what does M-I-S-S mean?" I ask my learners.
'Marriage Is So Stupid" Jacques answers and they all laugh.