Into the Deep End

Struggling To Breathe

As soon as Hyunjin walked inside the door Minho patted him on the back, telling him to go do it now while his thoughts are clear.

"Where is Felix" he asked the group in the living room, the flat expression on his face causing concern in everyone. They are not sure if they should plan for a night out of the room if there is a happy reunion and they make up, or if they should have someone on standby to intervene if things go south. Nobody can really read where Hyunjin plans to go with this conversation. Hesitantly they all point to his room, causing Hyunjin to raise his brow at them and head toward the room.

He knocked first, feeling silly since it is his bedroom but what about this really is ordinary? Going to hash our your problems with your best friend turned boyfriend even though your heart breaks when you look at his eyes, not sure if you should get lost in them or let them see your pain.

"Come in!" A muffled voice from within the room speaks out. Hyunjin opens the door to see Felix sitting on a blanket with a romantic scene straight out of a movie. The sight takes Hyunjin's breath away for a second and makes him want to run up to Felix and give him hugs and kisses all over. He is the romantic one in the relationship but it makes him feel warm and fuzzy to be surprised by this.

"I wanted to surprise you" Felix gave a warm smile, the words snapped Hyunjin out of his daze.

"Thank you baby, it looks amazing" his smile dropped once he remembered what he came in here to do.

"But listen, we have to talk.." Felix's smile drops but he nods his head. Knowing that spoken words still need to be shared for them to mend things. He scooted over and patted the area of the blanket that was in front of him.

"First let me start off by saying I am so sorry" Felix started, but Hyunjin needed to share his peace.

"I'm sorry but can I go first? I know that if I hear you apologize and look at you that I will want to just have you back and will do anything to get there... but there are things I need to discuss with you" Felix smiled at the first part but could feel the blood leave his brain once he heard the latter, afraid of what it will be. Felix nodded slightly and held Hyunjin's hand, both of them needing the touch of the other to get through this.

"I feel like I am constantly in a battle with myself. I don't know where I stand with you. Sometimes I get the feeling that I am more invested in this relationship than you are... you are my absolute everything and I have been getting the feeling that I am not the same for you..."Hyunjin could not look at Felix, knowing that any negative reaction would cause him to have to comfort the other, but he needs to be selfish right now.

"I will set aside all of my needs and all of my feelings just to make you happy and make you comfortable. It is starting to eat at me inside." He continued.

"Jinnie.... I love you, and I'm sorry that I got you upset with my stunt. I didn't mean to make you jealous.." with those words from Felix's mouth Hyunjin could feel the rage creeping back up.

"You didn't mean to make me jealous..? Are you serious right now Felix?" Hyunjin furrowed his brow, feeling himself lose control over the composure that he built up on the way here.

"Yeah.. I mean the objective was to show you that I do care about us. I care about our passions and our dreams. It was not the best way to go about it but I can't just stop being a sunshine because you dont want to share." Felix was confident in his response, in his eyes he was really being villainized out of proportion.

Hyunjin squeezed the bridge of his nose with his fingers trying to stop the tension building up in his head.

"That's what you think this is about? Me not wanting to share you...?" Hyunjin's demeanor became more aggressive.

"Yeah, you have always been jealous and it makes me feel like I can't be myself in fear of upsetting you. Why can't my word that I only have eyes for you be enough?" Felix retorted.

"Oh my god, you really don't get it do you?! It really is my fault for thinking that you knew me better than that. I guess I am to blame for believing that our bond was closer than that." Hyunjin's expression went blank and the words started spilling out like word vomit.

"I am not upset with you because I have to share. Yeah that's my problem to deal with and I am dealing with it. I didn't blow up or act like a 5 year old trying to get revenge on you! I handled it and remained professional despite the fact that my own boyfriend wouldn't get it through his thick skull that maybe I could be insecure in the relationship... that maybe, just maybe, I would feel hurt that my best friend and boyfriend couldn't see the pain that I feel EVERY DAY not being able to claim you as mine, not being able to kiss you or hug you whenever I want. I am not FUCKING angry only because you were flirting with Changbin right in front of my face. I am FUCKING ANGRY because you were clearly enjoying it. But most of all, I felt my heart shatter into a million little pieces knowing that you couldn't even see how much pain it was causing me to have those insecurities thrown against me by the one person I trusted to always have my back!" Felix could no longer hold in the sobs pushing against his eyes and his throat.

"Hyunjin..."

"No! I feel like you care more about your image and your pride than you do about me, and you know what? I'm not going to stand for it! I refuse to beg and grovel for the breadcrumbs you throw me while you bask in the sunlight of your world where everything is about you! I'm just done!"

Hyunjin surprised himself with the words that came out of his mouth but knew this resentment had been deep rooted and would have smothered him if he did not release it.

"Can I make my argument now?" Felix raised his eyebrows at Hyunjin. Hyunjin couldn't take it anymore. He got up and headed to the door, without turning back and pressing the handle to open the door he spoke out.

"If that is the way you want to approach this situation and the vulnerability I just had with you, then I don't want to hear it. I need space, for real this time." Hyunjin pushed the door open and stepped out of the room.

"Im gonna go shower, could you leave before I get out? I just need to sleep, I can't do it anymore." He says before slamming the door closed behind him.

The other members in the living room just looked at him with wide eyes. Hyunjin glared at them before inhaling deeply and entering the bathroom.

"Let me find out what's going on" Chan got up and walked towards the bedroom. He knocked but there was no answer.

When he opened the door he was faced with Felix, laying on the floor in the fetal position, his face looked empty.

Chan rushed over to him and started rubbing his arm.

"What just happened?" Chan asked, continuing trying to comfort Felix.

"Hyunjin basically called me selfish and ignorant, I hurt him and I didn't even think about what could do to him. How could I possibly make him feel more secure if he constantly runs away and refuses to have a mutual communication about it?!" Felix also became angry with the handling of the situation and the breakdown in communication that Hyunjin had displayed.

"Maybe a break would be good... you guys are so busy and figuring eachother out now would cause more friction. Do you want me to stay here with you.?" Chan asked, expecting a yes but Felix shook his head.

"I just need to think." He crumpled up his letter that he wrote and threw it into the trash before grabbing evergthing in a pile and tossing it into the kitchen area.

"Look, I'll clean it up later, just leave me alone for a while ok" the group was shocked as felix hated being left alone.

Felix grabbed an old razor from the other bathroom and sat on his floor. Contemplating his options to release the pain now or to hold onto the promise he made. But Hyunin broke his promise of always being there for him.

Hyunjin let the warm water wash away his tears as he calmed down from the events that just took place. Once he finished with enough time to shrely get the room empty. Even before coming back there he saw the ness if the picnic on the kitchen islabd, Felix nowhere to be found.

'Did I go too rough on him'

'An I just a man who yearns to be loved.

Chan nodded understanding Hyunjin and walked out of the room.