Into the Deep End

Into My Soul

Felix was deep in thought after his therapy session. He knew what he needed to do. But he had no idea how he would accomplish it. What would Hyunjin think? Would he have to tell the rest?

"Lix... Are you ok?" Chan ended up picking him up since it was raining. Felix usually liked to walk home to process and get back in a more casual headspace, but he didn't bring an umbrella, and it was cold out today.

"Hm? Yeah, sorry. I'm just processing, I guess." Felix didn't bother to turn toward Chan and continued his stare out the window.

"You want to talk about it..?"Chan asked hesitantly, not wanting to overstep or make Felix uncomfortable. Felix could tell Chan really cared and didn't want him to feel like he didn't trust Chan. Maybe it would be good to have someone else to talk to. I'm not ready for anybody to know the full details, Hyunjin would need to know first, but a little help won't hurt.

"It's just an assignment I was given. I'm really nervous about it and not sure how to go about it.." Felix clutched the notbook in his hand tighter, which did not go unnoticed by Chan.

"Is it about your songbook? I didn't mean to pry, but I have noticed how it seemed to affect you more recently." Felix looked down and softly nodded his head.

"I see. You don't have to share... but what about it makes you nervous?" Chan's voice was filled with concern.

"I wrote something... that night... and I have been trying to come to terms with it." Felix hesitated, taking a long, deep breath before continuing.

"That mindset I was in... it wasn't fair to anybody, especially Hyunjin. And he needs to know.. it feels like a giant weight on my chest every time I see him. The guilt that I feel, like this huge secret. I need to show him but I don't know how.." A tear rolled down Felix's face as they pulled into their dorm building. Chan turned to Felix and wiped the tears away, pulling him into a hug.

"Hyunjin won't be mad, you know that. If that is what you need to be ok again, then he would want you to do it. What do you need from me?" Chan didn't pull away from the hug yet, feeling Felix tremble slightly in his embrace.

"Here is what I was thinking...." Felix told Chan his plan, who agreed to help with a sympathetic smile.

*2 days later*

It was the group's day off for the week. Thanks to Chan's help, Felix was able to organize what he needed for what was sure to be the emotional moment. He purposefully left his face bare today.

Hyunjin always slept in on their days off, and even when he would wake up, he would first go through all of his missed notifications from the busy week. Chan had taken it upon himself to organize activities for the rest of the group that they would enjoy that would get them out of the dorms. Felix considered just taking Hyunjin somewhere, but with the vulnerability and guarantee of tears, the last thing he needed was to get caught by paparazzi alone with Hyunjin crying.

Chan had organized for Changbin and Han to join him on an inspirational tour of music clubs in the areas. Minho was given a bus ticket home to visit his beloved cats. Seungmin and I.N. were given concert tickets to a group they both loved.

Felix hugged Chan tightly and thanked him for his help with it all. He promised to make Chan brownies and cookies as a gift as well, something he had gotten up early in the morning to make. Felix sneakily handed Chan a tub of the baked goods so that the others would not be vultures and take it all.

He also set aside a small dish of the goods in his closet for later.

"Hey Felix.. when are you baking again? I had the most delightful dream about your brownies, and I swear I can still smell - " Changbin cut himself off when he saw the plates of brownies and cookies sitting on the table. His eyes went wide, and he lunged at the goods.