Into the Deep End

You Saved Me

As the doctor predicted about an hour later, Hyunjin felt a twitch in his hand and he looked up to see Felix groaning trying to open his eyes.

"Felix..." he gently placed his hand on Felix's cheek.

"Hyunjin..?" Felix said groggily, as soon as he saw his love and felt his touch tears began to stream down his face.

"I'm so sorry... please forgive me" Hyunjin wrapped his arms around Felix. Felix placed his hand on his back and started to rub it gently.

"I'm so happy you're here... I'm the one that's sorry...." Felix sobbed into Hyunjin's shoulder. The others eventually joined to say hi to Felix and check on him. Everybody ignored the elephant in the room for now and just spent time with their friend who they thought was gone. Chan ended up a blubbering mess in no time and even Minho shed a few tears.

After 3 days Felix was cleared from suicide watch and discharged to go home. Despite feeling completely fine Han and Chan insisted on carrying all of his stuff and making sure that he did not lift a finger for anything.

The guys had a big lunch with all of the members and told silly stories about the nonsense the guys had been up to since Felix was gone. JYP decided to cancel all practices the past 2 days knowing that what happened would cause the others to be distracted and would be pointless in the long run.

Eventually the laughter died down and when everyone was hanging out on the couch, it was time to face the music.

"I know that I owe you guys an apology... and an explanation.." Felix had his head hung low. Chan patted the younger's shoulder and gave him an encouraging smile.

"It all started during the very early trainee days, moving here and not knowing the language, being away from family, the harsh nature of being a trainee... it took a toll on me. I honestly didn't know how to handle it and it put me into a dark place for a really long time." Felix took pauses in between, taking time to process his words and allowing others to take in the information slowly. "Often times I would feel really empty inside and would feel like I was not living my life but was going through the day on auto pilot. I started to cut myself." Felix pulled up his shorts to show the scars on his upper thighs. The members had noticed the scars left on his arms, they thankfully were not that deep so would fade with the time.
"Some days were worse than others... one particular day Hyune found out.." Felix looked up at Hyunjin sitting on the other couch and gave him a soft look filled with sadness.

Since the day Felix woke up, Hyunjin and Felix had continued to have a rift between them. They knew they had a lot to discuss but never had the time to dive into it with everything going on. What they both did know was that they loved eachother still and they had been focusing on that for comfort.

The other members looked at Hyunjin who had watery eyes and looked down in shame. Hyunjin felt so much regret for not having confided in anybody. It was one of his greatest shames in life.

"Jinnie helped me bandage myself up and asked me to come to him if I ever felt the desire to again. I hadn't done it since then... up until 3 days ago. There are things that I need to work through myself but a week ago the dark feelings came flooding back in. It had been so long that I honestly forgot how to handle it and I didn't do what I needed to do to take care of myself." Felix's tears started to slowly drop down his cheek thinking back to the night it all happened.

"I didn't know what to do with myself, that night I could no longer resist the urges to feel pain and I relapsed." Felix could see Hyunjin clenching his fists and wipe away a tear from his eyes. Felix got up and sat down in front of Hyunjin, taking his hands to make him relax and wiping away another tear that ran down his face.
He knew what the older was upset about, there were things they needed to discuss in private but Felix needed to make something known.

"It's not your fault... there is nothing anybody could have done. Deep down I knew that I could come to you, that you would never abandon me, but my brain convinced me otherwise. I was the one that chose to do it.. I was the one that didn't call for help and would have denied it if anybody tried." Felix stared down Hyunjin until he was able to look into his eyes. "Do not blame yourself. Same goes for you Chan, I was the selfish one for keeping it hidden and not letting anybody help me. You tried." Felix planted a kiss on Hyunjin's cheek and moved over to sit in front of Chan, he was trying to hide the tears but it came too much and put his head in his hands. Felix took his hands and lifted his head to look at him.

"I know that you came to check on me that night. I pretended to be asleep... I was the one that didn't want help.. I was the one that let myself ignore all of the evidence to the contrary and believe that I would be a burden. I was too stubborn to accept the fault in that."

Felix paused giving Chan a soft smile until he nodded his head. Felix gave Chan a kiss on the cheek as well and reclaimed his original spot.

"I was so stuck in the darkness of my mind that I felt like the only option to escape and rid myself of the pain and the guilt was to not wake up the next day." Felix's voice cracked and he couldn't hold back the sobs. All the other members surrounded him and encased him in a group hug.

"Guys... I.... Can't... Breathe" Felix chuckled and the others let go, mumbling their sorry's as they went back to their spots.

"Changbin... I am so glad you have your traditions of getting shit faced drunk with San." Felix couldn't help but laugh and the others had a smile on their faces that dropped remembering that they could have lost Felix that night.

"If it wasn't for you.... well you know... but I owe you one. Big time." He continued, hugging Changbin.

"We all do." Chan stated. Before anyone could say a word the members piled on top of Changbin too for their "pile of love", finally being able to laugh after the intense conversations.

"I'm really sorry for scaring you all, and I'm really sorry for not reaching out for help. I know that any of you would have been relieved if I had come to you. I'm sorry for keeping it all a secret." Felix hung his head in shame and Han dropped his head on Felix's shoulder and grabbed his hand, Chan grabbed the other one.

"Thank you for letting us know now so we can look out for you." The silence that followed was comforting.

"Ok... now that the dense air has been cleared, what do you say to a movie night?" The others smiled and nodded in agreement.

"First... Hyunjin can I talk to you privately..?" Felix spoke up.

Hyunjin nodded and got up from the couch, following Felix into his bedroom.