Into the Deep End

Sinking In The Deep End

TW- this chapter will include self-harm, suicidal ideation, general depression, and all things angst. Please skip if you are triggered by those things. I will recap all plot points at the beginning of next chapter. Also disclaimer I am not insinuating that this happened or that this is the backstory to deep end. It is a fictional interpretation!

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Felix went out after his split with Hyunjin. He couldn't bare to be at the dorms with Hyunjin. He was not sure how he was feelings, his mind riddled with thoughts of 'what if' and his feelings a confusing mixture of regret, anger, and emptiness. Felix took with him his treasured little box. The box that he had stashed away for so long but that he could not resist in this moment.

All of the motivation Felix had to stay away from this hauntingly precious box due to his promise with Hyunjin had faultered. 'Why should I keep my promise to communicate my feelings when he can't even give the option to share.' 'He made his request very clear, to give him space. I'm not going to burden him with my problems.' 'I am already selfish enough, it shouldn't be surprising that this is what I would do right?' Felix's mind was a whilwind of negativity that he could not escape. His brain was being his biggest bully, and his armor was nowhere in sight and was broken.

Felix opened the box to see the razor hidden it exposed and reflecting the light of the moon. Like a warewolf he was entranced by the light reflecting off of it and he held the razor with his hand, gently rubbing the sharp edge with his finger. A pained feeling of guilt came over him. 'You know the only way to get rid of this feeling is to bury it deep, deeper than that razor can cut'... 'distract yourself with it, the feeling makes you numb. Numbness is better than this pain'..

No longer being able to resist the urge Felix ran the blade across his skin, he was no longer worried about anyone seeing, no longer worried about hiding the marks, all he cared about right now was silencing the thoughts in his head and the pain. Swipe after swipe of the blade leaving Felix more numb until all he could sense was the blood from his cuts mixed with his tears and running down his arm.

Finally Felix felt the release that he had been so desperately craving. Coming back to reality Felix decided to head back to the dorms, he opened the door and tried to sneak in past the others who were either asleep or on their phones. Felix fully felt the consequences of his lack of consideration for the consequences. None of the other members except for Hyunjin knew about his cutting, and he didn't want anybody to find out about it. Felix managed to get past Chan and Minho and thought he was clear until the door to the bathroom opened, all of his numbing completely having gone to waste as the pain came flooding back as soon as he was faced with Hyunjin at the opening, steam escaping around him.

Felix could feel Hyunjin's eyes dart to his arms, the sleeves showing blood marks. Hyunjin looked back at Felix with a pained and dissapointed look. Hyunjin simply took a deep breath in and sighed as we walked past Felix toward his room. Not looking back as he slammed the door. The door caused Chan and Minho to turn to look at the room and Felix took it as an opportunity to quickly go into the bathroom to hide.

Once the door closed and locked Felix slid down the back of the door and melted into his puddle of pity. All of the pain rushing back. This time however, he felt betrayed. Betrayed by his own mind, betrayed by his false sense of peace, betrayed by Hyunjin. He truly felt like the friendship he so cherished with Hyunjin was gone. Hyunjin no longer cared, he no longer held the patience to forgive him. He did not come to help.

There was a knock on the door.

"Felix.. mate are you alright..?" The Aussie accent gave away that it was Chan. Felix was dissapointed to find that it was not the person he truly wanted. The one person that had always taken his pain. He got up and went to the medicine cabinet to get the first aid kit.