Into the Deep End

The Therapist

The following week, it was time for Felix's therapy. He really liked the therapist that he was currently working with. Felix had worked with therapists before, but he always found it triggering. His previous therapists were too serious. Being serious is, of course, necessary as a therapist, but he always felt like a porcelain doll that would be knocked down by a gust of wind and shattered. His current therapist was different. She was more casual with him and was not afraid to call him out on his shit. He liked the lighter mood during their sessions where he could just say what he was thinking and not worry about how things would be interpreted.

Felix had felt conflicted the past week. After the dance session he had with Hyunjin, Felix felt himself getting more and more attracted to Hyunjin. They had been casually flirting back and forth. He had been enjoying their dynamic so far but felt himself holding back more, like he was walking the line between pouncing on the poor guy and wanting to just stay friends for the time being. His heart and his mind would not agree, and it has caused some discomfort.

Felix and Hyunjin had not gotten more awkward, but Felix had definitely been feeling the tension and found himself needing to take space from Hyunjin every once in a while to cool down.

"How are things this week?" She started the session.

"They have been pretty good, actually...?" Felix sounded unsure with his answer, which did not go unnoticed by the therapist.

"Why the question...? Did something happen..?" She asked gently, making sure to pay attention to the reaction to gauge Felix's willingness to share.

"There were just a couple of moments that stirred up some conflicting feelings." Felix was looking around the room trying to gather his thoughts. To be honest, Felix himself was not sure how exactly he felt about everything either.

"What conflicting feelings?" She inquired further.

"I really don't know how to express it. I can't make it make sense to me. I have no idea how to make it make sense to someone else. " he chuckled lightly but was also frustrated with his own lack of understanding.

"Well, why don't you just word vomit it all out. Just vocalize what comes to your mind, and we can try to make sense of it together." She had a hopeful look on her face and a smile. She leaned forward in her chair, which actually made Felix approach it like a game and agree to it.

"Well.... I don't know how to feel about Hyunjin. We had a moment last week where we were in the dance studio and tested the limits of boundaries. We never officially set anything in place which makes it more confusing. I don't know where I stand with him. I know that we are fine but I don't know where his feelings lie with me. It's very hot and cold and I don't know how he views me. How he wants our relationship to be. There are moments of sexual tension that make things feel really familiar.. then we have to pull back. I get really scared because that is a very fine line that you can't return from once you cross it. There is still love there, there is still attraction there, and I enjoy the lack of labels because it allows me to just be and not over think but then I get in this zone where I overthink anyway because I don't know what he wants or where his limits are.." Felix took a pause and sighed. The therapist looked at him wanting to see if he was looking for a response.

"Everything that happened the night of the attempt has me scared to be too close to him. I don't think I am ready to handle the feelings yet and I feel drawn to him like a magnet every time we are close. I have thought about hooking up with someone just to lessen the physical attraction piece.." with the last part Felix felt a blush run across his face. He remained silent.

"Ok. Well do you really think a casual hookup is going to relieve any of the tension?" She raised one brow knowingly. Felix sighed.

"Honestly, probably not. If anything I would just compare the poor guy to Hyunjin, probably ruining it." Felix couldn't hide the annoyed expression from the popping of his delusional bubble.

"And the last thing I want is to hurt Hyun. I know that a casual fling would hurt him." He admitted, picturing Hyunjin if he knew.

"Ok so now that we have stopped that disasterous plan, from what it sounds like, you need to have an honest talk with him. But before you do, I think you need to explore what you truly want. If you don't feel ready to have a romantic relationship again, I think you need to consider what boundaries you need to set for your friendship." Felix cringed at the idea. Not that he wasnt comfortable having deep conversations with Hyunjin, if anything he was the one person that Hyunjin trusted most. Felix was not motivated to set boundaries. He liked flirting and being more intimate with Hyunjin.

"I guess you're right. I guess part of me wants to hold on to the romantic and intimate bond because I still love him. As much as it hurts me say this... I need to get to a good place with him. One where I feel safe to confide in him for everyrhing and recognize that it won't scare him off. It never has but I am scared that it will..." the therapist noticed the shift in Felix's tone, sensing that he had suddenly gone from reflective to insecure.

"Is there a reason you say that..? What popped into your head to make you say you don't feel safe with him, earlier you said you did.. did something happen?" She knew how to read between the lines of Felix's spoken word which was something that Felix really hated at times. He couldn't hide anything and had to talk about things that he found uncomfortable because she could sense it.

"Well... right after our moment in the dance studio, Hyunjin asked me about my notebook, you know the one I told you about with my songs in it?" the therapist nodded at the question.

"On the night that I overdosed I wrote. It is a song that I haven't been able to look back at it yet. The dark place that I was in that night, and the resentment I felt toward Hyunjin for "abandoning me" I poured into the song. He didn't deserve that, I messed up too. I freaked out because I thought that he read it. He didn't but for the first time I was scared to talk to him about something since we got together. I don't remember the song much, my mind was in such a bad place that I only remember pain..." Felix had a tear rolling down his face and quickly wiped it.

"Do you feel like the song you wrote is holding you back from embrasing all parts of you?" Felix looked at the therapist confused.

"I mean, is the song, or the words to the song, what bothers you? Or is it the memory of writing it? Listen, I think that you need to bring the book to our session. As long as you avoid processing what you wrote, and the words that did not just come out of nowhere, you will be held back by it. Of course you are the one that decides when you're ready." Felix gulped because he knew his therapist was right. There was a reason why the memory of the song scared him, and he was not going to be able to move past it if he didn't face the music.

Felix nodded.

"Ok so this is what I will assign you as homework for today. Go as far as you are able to go toward facing the song. It can be as small as simply holding it in your hand, but I want you to test yourself. You have the skills we talked about in our sessions if it becomes overwhelming, or have somebody you trust there to help you and comfort you." The therapist gave him a gentle smile and Felix thanked her for the session.

There were a lot of things to think about and Felix's eagerness to move past the chains that were holding him back gave him the strength to go home and go straight for the journal, only stopping right when he entered his room and saw it. He froze.

"Felix... you alright.?" Felix recognized the voice and another wave of anxiety fell over him, he ran straight to the bathroom feeling like he was going to be sick.