Into the Deep End

Starting to Mend

Another 2 weeks had passed and it was once again time for Felix's therapy session. Since the first day he came face to face with the journal, Felix had been taking small steps to come face to face with the memories of his rock bottom. He wanted to get better. He wanted to process it all. He wanted to do it for himself and he wanted to do it for Hyunjin.

At this point it had been almost 3 months since his attempt and he felt like a lot had fallen into place. He felt like he was in a more comfortable spot with Hyunjin since they had their talk. He had mentioned the talk to the therapist who had reported feeling proud. She was not only proud of Felix for communicating in the way that he did but she was interectly proud of Hyunjin too. She had heard so much from Felix about him and knew that Hyunjin was an integrated part of Felix's life. What she had also caught on to was the apparent need to protect that Hyunjin felt. She was proud of Felix was taking the time to hear what Hyunjin needed and was proud of Hyunjin for stating it. For not hiding away his needs when it was necessary for them to come out.

Today Felix felt empowered. He felt like he had grown so much and had talked the last session about his goal to remind himself that uncomfortable situations are necessary to grow away from where we feel stuck.

Today Felix decided to bring his journal. He grabbed it with his hands and held it. Something that he had been working on being able to do. He owed it to himself and he owed it to his group. He placed it on the bed with the rest of his things and made his way to the table to eat some breakfast before he had to leave.

"Good morning Felix!" Chan stated. He was sitting at the table with his own eggs and bacon on a plate. Today was their free day from practices so everyone had their own things going on, but mostly the other members were just lazily staying in bed until they had to make their way out.

"Morning Channie-Hyung!" Felix skipped his way to the table, causing the older to smile brightly at him.

"I can give you a ride today. Binnie had a late night and is sweating off some alcohol this morning" he chuckled.

Felix nodded his head and thanked Chan. He went over to the kitchen to make himself and granola bowl for breakfast and didn't skimp out on various topings today.

"You seem very chipper this morning" he said with a smile "I like seeing the little sunshine in the morning"

Felix nodded his head again. "I'm feeling good about today." He gave Chan a bright smile. The 2 made some casual conversation and when Felix finisned his food he went into his room and gathered up all of his things. He picked up the journal and took a deep breath. Today was the day that he would read what he wrote. He purposefully did not wear any makeup today knowing that he most definitely would be crying, but he was ready for it. Before heading to the door he put on one of his favorite comfort items, a hoodie that Hyunjin had given him. It was one that he claimed looked better on Felix and it always helped him through some rough times. It was one that he wore in the hospital while he was recovering from his overdose.

As a thank you for all of the support that he had gotten from his members he has decided to cook them all dinner this afternoon and bake his famous brownies. Today was a big accomplishment for Felix and he couldn't have done it without his little family, especially not without Hyunjin.

He took out a piece of paper and wrote a note for the others stating.

-don't cook anything, dinner is on me when I get back. Thank you guys-

He went to place it on the fridge before meeting Chan at the door to go to his appointment. Chan noticed the book is Felix's hand and smiled at him. He knew enough from everything that happened that the journal was a step that had taken Felix a long time to get to. He was really proud.

*at the therapists office*

"Let's just cut right to the chase, I see you have the journal with you today!" She stated excitedly. Normally she would be hesitant on the topic but Felix had discussed wanting to do this and shared feeling ready to face it now. He felt more comfortable in his life and had been working on recognizing that he is not in that place anymore.

Felix nodded his head, slight hesitancy but a smile on his face and feeling empowered.

"I do. I'm nervous but I am so ready to start moving forward." Before he lost his bravery Felix closed his eyes and just opened to the page still bookmarked by the clip on his pen. He took one last final breath and opened his eyes.

The pages were haunting yet beautiful in a melancholy way. The tears he shed that night gave a slight watercolor effect with the blue ink on the page. The page was titled "Deep End".

The therapist looked at Felix and studied his body language to know when to move forward. She wanted to give him plenty of time to take it in and process. They had been working on accepting feelings that arose from situations and finding ways to neutralize thoughts that resulted instead of bottling them up.

"What are you feeling right now..?" She started, noticing that Felix had remained indifferent for a little while following initial moments of shock.

"It makes me feel empty but it is surprisingly beautiful to look at. It brings back the same feelings of burden, hopelessness, and loss that I felt, but surprisingly there is hope." He felt a tear escape his eye.

"Hope?" She inquired, knowing what he was getting to but wanting to have him vocalize it and experience it fully.

"It aches because of the pain I feel for the version of me that is in this page. But hope because I can feel that it is not me now.. hope because I can show this version of me what we have, the people that we have, the strength that we have found, and the knowledge that we gained." Felix smiled through his tears. They sat in silence to process for a couple of minutes and Felix started to speak up again.

"Can.. I read it..? I haven't looked at the words yet .." the therapist nodded in approval and Felix took a deep breath in before exhaling with force.

How you've been?
I guess you're fine
It's been pretty long since we've last seen.

....

But now I'm truly all alone in this world
I miss the way you felt so close to my bones
I am sinking in the deep end
I'll try to cry myself to sleep
Please stop this pain
If you hadn't changed...

Felix took a pause at this phrase, gaining the attention of the therapist.
Felix started to shake some and his tears became more pained.

"Felix... what's going on right now. Where is that emotion coming from?" She asked, really pushing Felix.

He hesitated before breathing in deeply again.

"My brain is screaming at me that I am selfish. Selfish for blaming Hyunjin. The whole song is about everyone in my life, but that sentence..." he started to sob, lowering his head in his hands and allowing the book to drop to the floor.

"He deserves more than that. He was honest for once in his life.  He didn't owe me anything." He started to ramble.

"Stop. What would you be telling him if these were his words?" She challenged.

"I don't know... I guess I would tell him that I don't resent him for saying it. That he had just as much as right to feel that way as I had to set that boundary for myself. I would pull him close and comfort him, tell him I am not mad..." Felix's voice became softer.

"Does that sound like something he would say?" He tugged further.

"I think he would have just taken me into an embrace and say there are no apologies necessary." Felix admitted. She was right.

The rest of the session, Felix slowly made his way through the song. He was emotionally exhausted by the end but he was so proud.

"I want to challenge you with something." She stated before finishung their session.

"I want you to share this with him." Felix's eyes widened. "Now you don't have to do it today, or even soon, but you are carrying so much guilt. Your thoughts are convincing you that your emotions make you a monster, but they don't." Felix's eyes softened and he nodded. She was right.