GEMINI'S POV
All the things that keep me going and giving me hope are just my delusion, I should have already know that
Why didn't I realized sooner before it breaks my heart, I should have already know that Fourth don't have the same feelings I have for him
He never get clingy and touchy to me behind cameras, he flirts with me only on onscreen or fanmeet, but because of my feelings, I hold on to those moments and giving myself a hope
We used to be close before but that change when we start filming, people think we will spent more time together but in reality we stay together only when we're filming
In the end of the shoot, he will go out with bo gang or only with P'Mark, at that time I'm happy for Fourth that he got a friend whom he can share his happiness and enjoy his time
But all those time, we grew apart further and further day by day, we don't get a chance to sit down and talk, but I still keep my hope for that onscreen flirting, I think that if he still flirt onscreen, I had a chance, but the last concert had prove me wrong
We look normal on the events and fanmeet, but after that, we're almost like a stranger, when he go out with bo gang, they just get together well, but I'm just so wrong
That night, I want to meet him after fanmeet and told him my conditions, and also ask him out for a date, I don't have much time, so I need to ask him out soon, so when he ask me to meet him on the rooftop, I go up with P'Ohm and P'Perth, they come to support us and I'm glad for that, and they already know that I like Fourth, they always support me, but they don't know about my conditions at that time
When we reach the rooftop, the door was close but it wasn't lock, so I open the door, but there he was, kissing P'Mark, I don't know when, but my tears fell from my eyes and my vision become blur, I can't see them clearly anymore, but I don't care cause I don't want to see it clear, seeing it once already hurt enough, it's hurt, right here in my heart, it becomes difficult to breath
I move back little by little, but P'Ohm hold me, that's when I realised I almost fell on the stairs, if it not for P'Ohm, I will fell down the stairs, I run down the stairs and get in the washroom and lock the door
I just stay there for awhile, P'Ohm and P'Perth knock the door,but I don't want to open now, I need to calm myself down, if not I can be in trouble, and the program was about to start now, so I need to clear my mind
I took a deep breath and try to suppress my feelings, I need to keep going, this will be the last time, I may not be able to stand in front of the fans anymore so I can't stop it here, I need to act like everything's fine, I can't let others worry about me
I wash my face and get out from the washroom, P'Perth and P'Ohm still wait me near the door, worries were evidence on there face, they asked me if I'm ok, I told them that I'm fine and smile at them, I know they don't believe it but didn't asked more, that I'm glad, they can be so annoying but they know the limits, and they know when to stop
I tried to stay strong, but seeing my Phi's so worry about me almost made me lose control, I can't cry now, I can't make them more worried then now
I go to make up room and most of them already done, I sit on the available seat to get my makeup done, when I'm done with my makeup, it's time to go up on stage and meet our fans
P'Ohm and P'Perth still stay besides me, and still look me with those worried eyes but I assured them that I'm ok and go up on stage
Fourth flirts with me as usual in front of our fans as if nothing had happened, and that's hurt me more, it's clear to me now that all these things were only fanservice for him
And when he talk with P'Mark and laugh with him, he looks so happy, I hate that I can't do anything, does he know that I'm jealous when he talks to others, or did he do that on purpose
I want him to be happy, but seeing him happy without me hurt me, but there's nothing I can do, cause we are just coworkers and nothing more
Why did he tell me to meet him there, is it that he want to tell me he is dating P'Mark and I've got no chance, but he don't know I have feelings for him, didn't he?
Why didn't he just tell me that he's dating, he doesn't need to let me see him kiss others, do you know it's hurt seeing him kissing other, let alone talk with them
I think it will be hurt less if he just talk to me and tell me
All these time, for him, I was just a friend and a coworker, but for me, he was already my life
He is the reason I want to take treatment and recover, I want to spent my future with him but now he already have someone to stay with him, what importance will I have to him now, what's there to desire to live now
You may think that I'm overreacting, but have you ever gone through such things when you think you're close to someone and that they are so important to you and you think you are important to them too
And you got no importance in their life but they are already your lifeline
Cause for me, Fourth is like my lifeline, like an oxygen which I can't live without
Seeing him kissing with P'Mark crush all my hopes, and the way P'Mark look at me when I open the door, I don't know if I'll be able to forget, I wish I could wipe off those smug smile from his face, his eyes telling me that I didn't get a chance with Fourth
I don't know Fourth's reaction cause I can't see his face, but I think he will also has a mocking smile, he's the one who call me up here, is it so much fun to torture me like this
Why do I need to found out about them like this, can't they just tell me properly, so I can take it better, I'm already jealous when they hang out as a friend, now seeing them like that and can't do anything cause all we have is friendship hurt the most
That night I call mom to arrange hospital in Mexico as the doctor advice me, Mom was surprised cause I'm the one who said that I don't want to get treatment in foreign, I told her that I'll tell her the reasons later and asked her to get it done the night itself
I leave as soon as the fanmeet ends and go straight to the hospital, I need to do check up and sign some documents for my further treatment, when we're done, we went home and prepare to leave the next day, I don't tell anyone about me leaving, only my parents and the doctors know that, I delete all my social media accounts that night and switch off my phone
Early morning on the next day, we leave the house and go to the airport, our flight was on 7 am and change our flight 2 times before we arrive at Mexico, Uncle Nine fetch us from the airport and we rested for the day, on the next day, we go to the hospital, that was the first time I met Liza, she's a cardiologist, even if it's only the first time we met, she's so friendly to us and what I like about her was her smile, she smile so bright and it feels like her smile can heal the people around her
But those smile couldn't compare to him, his smile is always number one to him
Aishh... I run away from him hoping I'll be able to forget, but everything happens around me always make me think about him, I want to hate him, but what can I do, this heart doesn't allow me to hate that cutest person
Even if he hurt me this much, I can't hate him, why do I have to suffer like this, I wish I could just hate him, so that I'll be able to heal myself quickly
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Happy new year everyone, hope this year brings you happiness and make your dreams came true
However, I don't even know what I'm writing, please just try to enjoy it😬😬
