My Civilian Goddess

Chapter 20: Lost memories

It had been about a week since the most chaotic and messy day of Eli's life. First he meets Kacey, kisses Lilly twice, talks to a fake god that is living in his body, gets attacked and almost killed by Kacey, and even gets some temporary god-like abilities from the true goddess to use. A true goddess who is supposed to be dead.

Eli dropped out of college, and hadn't left the apartment for the entire week. Kevin was distraught by this, but Maria seemed to be more caring. She must have seen something was wrong in Eli's eyes. Lilly, reluctantly, had still been going to school, which confused Eli, but he had no reason to stop her. His uncle, Oliver, was also surprisingly calm about this news.

"Oh, okay, cool," he had said over the phone. "Lemme know if you wanna go bowling at any point."

When anyone asked for Eli's reason for quitting school he usually told them he was going through a really depressive episode and needed the time for himself. In reality, he was afraid that if anything were to happen again with Kacey, Alexander, Madros, or any other god-like beings one of his friends might become a casualty. Reality warping could do a lot, and fix a lot, but once someone was dead, they could not be revived. Lilly had told him so, and from the story Alexander told the other day it seemed all too clear the dead could not be brought back. The only exceptions being Madros, who had some form of reincarnation applied to himself, and maybe Dea, who only appeared as a voice in Eli's head.

Kacey or Alexander hadn't shown themselves since that evening, and Eli had gotten no more explanation of anything than he had before. Neither Madros nor Dea had spoken to him since either. He had expected at least one of the four to contact or scold him. Maybe all of them were looking for either a way to get rid of Madros, and Madros looking for a way to be reborn without the others stopping him.

Lilly slammed the door to the apartment shut. She leaned against it, and slowly dropped to the floor. She looked tired and stressed. She looked up, saw Eli sitting on the couch, crawled over, and dropped her head on his lap. Eli softly patted her head and ran his fingers through her hair.

Ever since their first kiss Lilly had her freckles on her face. When she was home, around Eli, at least. She still seemed shy about it every now and then, but Eli liked them.

"What's wrong? Mad I quit school?"

Lilly rubbed her face on his lab. He assumed she was trying to shake her head.

"I should quit too," she said. "No, I'm just tired. Too much thinking."

Eli ran his thumb over her cheek. "Can I help you think at all?"

She shook her head again.

"Not much to think of. Just lost in thought."

"About your old memories? The ones Kacey erased?"

Lilly closed her eyes and didn't answer. It was enough of an answer for Eli, though. As thick as he was every now and then, he should know enough about people that something like that would be confusing and bothersome.

A long silence followed. In this silence, Lilly slowly climbed onto the couch and put her head on Eli's shoulder. Her body was resting against him, and his hand was resting on her back. She then nuzzled her head against his neck, and took a deep breath. Eli left his hand on her back, and put another on the back of her head. He then slowly sank down onto the couch until they were both lying down, Lilly on top of him.

"Do you think I was a lot different back then," Lilly mumbled finally.

Eli wasn't sure what to say. "I don't know. As far as I know those memories of yours were deleted long before I was even born."

"I don't want to be immortal..."

Eli put his arms around her waist and pulled her in even closer.

"You have that choice to make. I'm sure if we ask-"

Lilly squeezed her arms around him as well.

"I don't want to die either," she whimpered. "But I don't want to see you grow old and die without me."

"Well-"

"Or Maria, or Kevin, or any of my friends!"

"Lilly, honey..." It was hard to think of any response. "Even if you could make everyone angels, that would be unfair to them. Then they would just see their family and friends disappear over time. And you can't make literally everyone like that."

"I know," she whispered. "And I hate it! Sometimes I wish I was never an angel in the first place. But then I would have never met you and I hate myself for that!"

"Please stop," Eli sighed. "You're being unfair."

"I know, but-"

"No, not unfair in your wants. You're being mean to Lilly. Blaming her and making her feel bad for things that were out of her control. I can only do so much for you, honey. You need to be kind to yourself too."

Lilly didn't say a word, but Eli knew she was crying.

"You're thinking of all these futures that are too far away. You should look at the here and now. We will figure out the future together, Lilly. For now we should wait for Kacey and Alexander."

Lilly nodded softly.

"Would you like me to make you something for dinner?"

"Yes please," she mumbled as she looked up to Eli with a teary face.
"Good girl," Eli whispered back as he pat her head.

Lilly got off Eli, who jumped up and walked over to the kitchen. There was a blush on her face.
"Uhm, Eli?"

"Hm?"

"Why uhm..." Eli looked over. Lilly was looking away. Her arms and legs were close together and she was bobbing back and forth.
"You've been calling me... honey, and good... good girl quite a bit lately. What changed?"

Eli stared Lilly down for a while. He tried to think what switched in his mind at some point.

"Well, it's like... With Kacey and Alexander the other day, there wasn't a point when you gave up on me, or even left me to myself. Whenever you could, you were fighting for me. Both physically by trying to shield me and keep Kacey away, and with words. Against Kacey. The person you said was scariest to you. Someone who you said you should never oppose. You went against her in a heartbeat just because of me.

I know you like me. You've been very open about that. And I think I like you too. We had a very rough start, but with everything you've done for me time and time again, I think you deserve my love. And if you don't want it anymore or right now, please tell me and I'll back off. But I want to give you back what you've given me."

Lilly had not looked at Eli at all during his speech. She was looking away, and in the end, gave a slight nod.

"I'm happy to accept it," she mumbled, shortly after burying her face in the nearest pillow.