Opened Doors [COMPLETED]

Friends- anecdote.

In my elementary and secondary years of school, I have grown up with the concept of 'fitting in'. You see, I have never been one of the popular ones, not that I wanted to, but yes, I had never had 'real friendships'. I remember my past self calling people 'friends', some even 'best friends', but the irony is that they've never been beside me when I actually needed them. Even after that, I kept trying to fit in, blending in with the 'popular ones', in turn of helping them in studies, assignments, sometimes tests as well. I am not proud of that, in fact I regret doing that, but I don't blame them or myself either. I was an unknown soul desperately trying to fit in.  I did find nice people, but interacted with them just once or twice. 

After a long while, I made a few friends in grade 5. I remember sharing everything with one of them, including a few personal stuff. We stayed friends with regular chatting throughout grade 6 as we were in the same section. By the time we neared grade 7, we were no longer in touch that often. After the lockdown, when the school reopened, I was so excited to meet her, to talk to her face to face after such a long while, but she did not seem to reciprocate the same excitement. And as you would have guessed, we lost touch soon. Even today we cross paths as strangers.

It was the end of grade 7 by then. I started sitting with this really popular girl. She seemed really sweet and I was happy to find a friend again. She was the first one to tell me  that she enjoyed my company as well. We formed a small group of friends soon after. I was enjoying school again. Even in grade 8, we used to sit together and everything was going well. But one fine day, I saw her sitting with another girl. I brushed it off without letting it affect my productivity, but it did hurt me. She kept sitting with the same girl and soon after they became really great friends. I would admit that I felt jealous back then, but there was nothing I could actually do about it. 
One day, I was talking with the girl that my friend started sitting with, and she told me that my friend had told her that I was 'too boring' now as I had stated concentrating on my academics. 

I can't even express how hurt I felt that day, but it taught me a lesson, which I should have learnt a long ago, but chose to sideline it. I learnt to be careful about whom to call friends, as it is the ones who are closest to you who end up hurting you the most. And I learnt that I did not need to 'fit in'. I could be myself, my own self, with my own flaws, and my own strengths. If one is a 'friend' in its truest sense, one will accept me for myself, not who I pretend to be. 

Yes, I met some amazing friends that year. These are the true friends who I can trust and who can trust me. We are there throughout the ups and downs of life. Now, I am in grade 9, and yes I have been in the same school for 10 years now, but I hardly know many of my classmates. And now, I don't even try to. I am fine, really in my best self with these bunch of friends and I don't want to risk hurting myself yet again. And for this very reason, this year has been a bit solitary and monotonous, as I feel quite down being by myself in the whole section with hardly one or two friends. But it is okay, I have grown with the same feeling all these years. 

Sometimes these feelings get the best of me, forcing me to tear down, sometimes even in the middle of certain classes. What I do then, is meditate. It really helps me calm down. And if I am in a position when I can let out the tears, I do so, perhaps while reading a book at the same time. This makes you believe that you are not crying because you feel lonely, but because of the book itself. Yes, psychology, but it works.

But in the end, I am really thankful to have the friends I do today, at school, at coaching, I am really appreciative of all what they have done for me till now, and I hope I can make these friendships last. 💙