Dear Diary

Chapter 14

Dear Diary,

When Luke Combs' "When It Rains, It Pours" came out, I'm pretty sure he didn't have my life in mind.  In fact, I'll gladly trade him my last couple months for that hundred bucks from the lottery ticket.  I mean, I thought by keeping you, diary, that this was supposed to make my life better.  Not worse.  Then again, I don't even know if this can be considered worse.  What the fuck is going on with my life?

After my last rendezvous with Joseph Friday night, I started to take a good look at what I was doing.  And much to my chagrin, I have to agree with Erica that what I was doing, wasn't me.  I mean, I don't regret hooking up with Bret, or Joseph.  Although Joseph turned out to be a wolf in sheep's clothing.  I thought he liked me.  The way he told me he missed me, we even had an actual date before fucking each other like God damn animals Friday.  And what happens?  I'll tell you want happens.  Some other bimbo answers his phone the next day when I call him because I thought I made a mistake in breaking things off.  Oh, he tried to convince me otherwise.  After I hung up on his ass, he kept texting me, begging me to let him explain.  That his old girlfriend was just in the neighborhood and came by.  Does he really think I'm that dumb?  Especially when I heard him call her sweetheart.  Fuck off.  I wasn't born yesterday asshat, okay?

And ugh, since old flames seem to be the theme of this weekend, I'm just still in utter disbelief.  As I was getting ready for bed last night, my doorbell rings.  At 1:30 in the morning.  And who is it?  Of all people, Danny.  Not just any Danny.  No no no. MY Danny.  Danny-Fucking-Johnson.  Danny, the love of my life Danny.  Heh, the love of my life, who somehow always manages to find a new way to break my heart.  But fuck, all I had to do was see those damn eyes of his (it's the first thing I'm attracted to on any man), and he grabbed me again.  Except, I don't know what to do.

Once I was able to form a real thought, I busted his balls on what he was doing here after all these years.  He said to talk to me.  What is there to talk about, really?  I mean what, did he not have enough fun ripping my heart apart eight years ago?  He told me that the reason he came looking for me was to talk to me.  To admit that he's the reason we got fucked up.  That he tried to move on but ended up calling his fiancée me in bed the night he proposed.  To tell me that he fell in love with me the day he met me, and he's still in love with me.  That he understands if I don't love him anymore, but he'll never stop loving me.  As angry as my heart still is with him, Jesus, him telling me that, and the fact that I watched him well up with tears weakened the shit out of me.  But I still didn't do well.

After he told me he'd never stop loving me.  He said, "Leia?  Leia?  Baby please.  Say. . .something."  Well it was over from there.  I lost my shit.

"Baby?  I ain't your damn baby Danny.  You made that clear eight years ago when you tried hooking up with that bimbo behind my back.  And now you think that just because you called your fiancée the wrong name in bed, that I'm going to feel sorry for you, and let you back into my life?  Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?"

"Lei, no.  That is not it at all.  I came looking for you because you are my life.  I was just too stupid until now to realize it.  Please Leia.  Please.  Look in that big beautiful heart of yours and find that you know you still love me."

In all honesty, I've never heard him talk like this the entire time I've known him.  Most of me wanted to do nothing more than cover his lips with mine, and tell him how much I fucking miss him.  But seriously?  How did he think I was going to react?  He was next to me on the couch, and he saw that I had tears streaming down my face, and he reached over to wipe them away.  I flipped out.  I screamed "NO!" as I jumped up from the couch and told him, "I think it's time you left."

"Leia. . ."  His tone was sorrowful and begging.

"No, Danny.  You need to go.  You need to forget me.  You need to forget us.  You can't keep doing this to me.  Breaking my heart and showing back up when you feel like it."

"It's not going to be like that anymore."

"How do you expect me to believe that?  Huh?  Why, because you had other girlfriends and always came back to me?  Because you moved out of state for a year with one of them after I begged you not to go because you belonged here with me, and then came back?  Or wait, should it be because after eight God damn years, you decide to fess up that most of our failed relationship was on you?"  I hung my head, crying my eyes out.  There were things I had done to destroy us.  Hell, the one thing I did, I was trying to protect him, but that was huge mistake.  And I took responsibility for that when he found out.  It wasn't my fault I lost our child.  My body just didn't want it.  I should have told him.  I was just so scared back then. 

"Leia, please.  This is not what I wanted to have happen.  Can we just. . ."

"No, Danny," cutting him off again, "just go.  If you really love me, you'll go."

I watched him walk out my door again.  I sent him away, again.  So, why the fuck am I crying about this?  Shit. Phone.

"Hello?"

"Leia, you okay girl?"

"Uh, yeah.  Yeah Dean.  I'm fine.  I haven't heard from you in like a year.  How are you?"

"I'm okay.  Jeni and I had a lot of shit we had to work out, so it was just best that we kept a low profile, you know?"

"Yeah, I know that feeling.  I really do."  And then there was awkward silence, and Leia ended that with, "I'm guessing you're calling me because Danny came to you about me."

"Well honestly, yes and no.  No because I really did want to ring you just to let you know I'm alive.  And yeah, Danny just left here.  Told me about late last night.  Lei, he really does love you.  You know that, don't you?"

As much as she didn't want to admit it, she did.  She told Dean that yes, she knows Danny loves her.  And she admitted that it's always been him.  Regardless of his fuck ups, she still loved that man more than anyone.

"So let him in.  Start over.  Can you just give him that small chance?"

****Sorry this chapter is shorter than the previous ones.  I assure you, it will be worth it.  And thanks for reading!!!****