Dear Diary

Chapter 42

Dear Diary,

Did I make a mistake letting Danny back into my life?  No.  I love him so much.  And I know he loves me.  But this shit with Lacy is getting to seriously scare me.  Tommy is going to hook up camera's on the outside of my house.  Thank God for great neighbors.  In fact he's out there right now getting started.  Jeni is about to end up in jail herself if this bitch does one more thing.  I think Dean is going to need bail money for her.  Neither Erica nor Sam are happy about this either.  I'm just so damn scared.  I mean, who the fuck guts a squirrel and hangs it from someone's gutter with a note pinned to it that says, "leave her."  That's what we came home to Sunday night.  We were going to get our freak on, but seeing that kinda took me out of the mood.  And here it is Wednesday, and I'm home alone again.  Not that I'm scared.  I mean, Tommy is right outside.  But what if he wasn't?  Would I be in danger?  Or does she just start her shit when she knows Danny is here.  

I would go hang out at my parent's house until I have to go get Danny from the shop, but then I'd have to deal with my mother asking me why I'm home in the middle of the week, explaining that I'm working at Tony's, that Danny has been taking care of me with my ankle and that we're back together.  Ugh, I don't want to listen to that.  I'm just not ready to have to handle her.  Lord what do I do when things between Danny and I move forward?

Hmmm, forward.  Since he's been back in my life, he's been, basically, living here for like two weeks.  First because of my ankle, then because of all this Lacy bullshit.  The crazy part is, it doesn't feel weird at all.  Yes, we have lived together before.  But, I don't know.  Something about this is wonderfully different.  Maybe because he finally realizes that this is his absolute last shot at us?  I don't know.  Why does it seem like I'm trying to talk myself out of being with him again?  I always do this.  When I think the other shoe is going to drop, I start imagining everything that can go wrong.  I really am bad at that.  The thing is, with all this crap with his ex, I think it's safe to say that the shoes have dropped already, and he's still here.  He's not wandering off.  Danny has been staying put.  He puts me before any and everything.  Maybe after all this shit dies down I should ask him if he wants to stay on a permanent basis.  I mean, he's already here all the time.  What's the harm?  Or is it an invitation for us to head down the toilet again?  Lord I hope not.  But every time I start thinking of forever with him, we split.  It's been like that since we were kids.  He admits that he was in love with me the very first time he kissed me.  But when I let the "I love you," flow too soon, he took off.  Even though he fell in love with me first.

But, yeah, I would still love to be able to sign my name as Leia Michelle Johnson instead of Leia Michelle Davison.  I've wanted that for the last thirteen years!  Granted, eight of those I was without him. Well, nine, if you include the year he took off.  But still.  What is so damn wrong with me wanting to be married to him and hopefully be able to get us at least one child.  I'll take one.  As long as it's with him.

Uh oh, Tommy needs me.

Well that wasn't bad.  Tommy was just letting me know he was moving around to the back to get a camera back there.  I'm glad he came and introduced himself. He's a good person.  He and Danny seem to get along well too.  

Danny.  Ugh, he is all I can think about!  It's like I'm a kid again.  He's in every thought of mine, all day, every day.  I wonder how the repairs on the truck are doing?  He said he should have the new window by today.  But then has to paint it after, so I'm sure, we'll be taking my truck the rest of the week.  That's okay.  Even though he won't let me drive.  Jerk, haha.  Come to think of it, I think I can count on one hand how often he's let me drive in the entire time we've been involved with one another.  I guess I can't complain.  I mean, I could, but who wants to hear that.  Right now, I just want to hear him holler out that he's home.

Home.  Yeah, he may as well make this his home.  He's always here.  And I hate it when he's not.  Maybe that will be a topic for dinner discussion tonight.  If I don't chicken out.  Or maybe I'll wait and have some play time tonight and then ask him.  Oooh, yeah, that might be better.  Especially since we haven't had sex since Lacy fucked up his truck.

Oh, look at that.  He must be on his lunch.  I need to answer the phone.

Oh no.  I didn't like how that just went.  He said when he gets here, we have to sit down and talk.  I never liked it when he would say that.  I don't like it now.  He's going to fucking leave.  I fucking knew it.  Why did I let him in?  See.  SEE!  I started thinking of forever, and he's taking off again.  God damn it.  So much for this.  That's okay.  I guess I'll just go back to calling Bret and Joseph, at least I'll still have fun. 

Why the FUCK did I let this happen?

Fuck you Danny.  I'm done.

But I love you.

Fucker.