Dear Diary

Chapter 36

"This is weird," Erica stated looking around Leia's small back yard area where she had a bunch of chairs and side tables set up around a portable fire pit, "we always did these at Dean and Sam's house back in the day."

"Yeah, those were some good times.  But we'll make some new good times here.  You know I like having people here."  As Leia turned to her right to go back into the house to get something, she saw Dean and Jeni walking up around the side of her house.  "And speaking of people, hello my lovelies!"  

"Well, aren't you just a tad on the happy side?"  Dean asked as he leaned over slightly to hug Leia.  "What has Danny done to you?  Wait, ya know what, I don't want to know."

"You sure, I can draw ya a picture. . ."

"NO!  Damn it woman."

"Jen, you're hubby needs to loosen up.  He's getting up tight again!" Leia was joking in her words, and everyone knew it.  To play along, Dean rolled his eyes.

Jeni laughed, "Again?  Damn it.  I just changed his diaper before we left."

"Diaper!  Woman, you better watch it," Dean played at Jeni, getting close to her and putting his hands on her waist, "I don't want to have to spank you in public."

"Oh, promises, promises," Jen came back with.

"Uh, I don't want to know what I just walked into, but I don't want to be seeing any spanking going on here."  Sam always knew how to make an entrance.

"Hiya Sammy," rolled off Dean's tongue as if he hadn't seen his baby brother in years.  

They got their bro hug out of the way, Sam said hello to Jeni, and as he began to make his was over to Leia and Erica, you heard a tiny voice come from behind him.  "Daddy, I have to potty."

"Uh, Leia?"

She giggled, "Door on the left by the front door."  

Once Dylan was done, Sam took him back to the backyard, where he introduced Dylan to everyone, taking a certain special method to one person.  "Dylan, this is Erica.  She's a really good friend to me.  Can you say hi to her?"

Erica kneeled down so she was at Dylan's height.  "Well hi there Dylan.  I really like your outfit.  Did you pick it out?"

"Yes," Dylan looked up at Sam and said, "yes Daddy, she pretty!"

Everyone started laughing, Sam cleared his throat, "Uh, yeah.  Thanks for that Dylan."

Leia pipped up, "Hey little man!  You like kicking a ball around?  Will Daddy let you?"

"YEAH!"

"Okay, here you go," and she tossed a kids rubber ball at him to kick around in the yard.  Didn't have to worry about it going anywhere dangerous so they just let Dylan run around as he pleased.  Leia watch this tiny human run around her yard, and then remembered she's not getting any younger.  Thoughts of past tragedy began to fill her head, and she felt her eyes well up.  She felt her phone buzz in her back pocket which brought her out of it.  It was Danny, texting her to tell her he was on his way.

L:  Okay.  Everyone is here.  See you soon.

D:  Love you Lei.

L:  Love you too.

"God, I can't believe how much he looks like you Sam.  He's adorable!" Leia told her friend.

"Well thanks.  I'm still getting used to this single dad thing.  Lynn just. . ."

"Now now, tonight is for fun.  No heartache."

"Speaking of which," you heard from Dean, "where is my other douchebag brother?" his face displaying a playful smirk to let her know he was just kidding as to his childish name-calling.

"He's on his way.  He'll be here in a few minutes."  She got a little quiet and Dean asked if she was okay.  "Yes, I'm fine.  Dean, you ever have to talk yourself out of thinking something?"  He looked at her a bit perplexed, but let her continue.  "I mean, I know he's not going to screw things up again.  I know that.  But I have to keep telling myself that everything is fine.  Am I crazy?"

"Are you crazy?  Yes.  Are you having a legit concern?  Yes.  Leia, with how much you two have been through, I'd be more worried if you didn't think about how he's going to screw up again."  He saw the look of panic on her face, "I'm not saying he's going to screw up.  Hell, if he does, I'll beat his ass.  You're justified in it.  Just don't let your brain get in the way of what makes you happy."  Dean gave her a hug, "Ahhhh, what am I going to do with you woman?"

"You better not do anything with her.  That one is mine!"  Much like Sam, Danny knew how to make an entrance.

Dean released her, and she turned around and threw herself into his body.  He leaned down to kiss her, but was interrupted by a tiny, brown haired human hollering, "Unc Dan!  Unc Dan!"  Then, Leia felt breath escape her as she watched Danny scoop up Dylan in his arms, say hello to him, tickle him something fierce so that the boys cheeks became a jolly shade of red, and gave him kisses.  Seeing Danny with a kid, even though it wasn't his, told her everything she had already known - he would be a great dad.  Then, as earlier,  that past tragedy came back to her and her eyes began to swell.  "Baby, what's wrong?"  Danny asked as he put Dylan down and patted him on the butt to move along.  Leia just stood there, staring at Danny as if she didn't know him.  "Leia, darlin'.  What is it?"  She couldn't answer him. All she could do was turn away, and swiftly walk into her house.

"What the fuck did you do?" Erica and Dean asked in stereo.

"Fuck if I know?  I was just playing with Dylan and then she freaked!"  Danny stood there, trying to figure it out, and it hit him.  "Shit, I'll be right back."  He made his way up the stairs to her bedroom.  The door was closed, and he could hear her on the other side of the door, sniffling.  He knocked on the door, and called her name.

"Go away."

"Leia, baby, please.  Talk to me."  She didn't answer.  "I'm coming in."

"Danny, no."  Too late, he was already beside her on the bed with his eyes all over her.  "Just leave me be."

"I can't."

"Dan. . ."

"Leia, you've got to let this go.  It wasn't your fault.  You know that.  I know that.  It just wasn't meant to happen then."

"Wasn't it?  I was the one that was overly stressed out with everything."

"Baby, we were kids.  Can you really tell me we were ready for that shit?  I'm not saying I'm happy about it.  Hell, that tore us apart.  But maybe in some weird way, losing the baby, it was better for us.  Let us grow up.  Let us become who we are now.  Leia, you have to forgive yourself.  You didn't do anything wrong.  I mean that.  I meant that then."  He went put his arm around her but she pushed him away, and then hit him in the arm.  He let her.  When he didn't react, it pissed her off, and she kept on hitting him.

"Why aren't you doing anything?!" she yelled.

"I am," he told her, "I'm letting you get it out."

She looked up at him and then just collapsed herself in his lap.  "I just, I saw you with Dylan, and how you are with him, and it just made me realize how great you would've been with our kid had my body not been an asshole.  Danny, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I failed you.  I'm sorry I failed our baby."

"Listen to me.  You didn't fail me.  You didn't fail our baby.  We were young, and your body just wasn't ready for it.  But you did not fail. You hear me?  You didn't fail."  He picked her head up, "I mean it Lei.  You. DID NOT. Fail." And he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.  

"Danny?" her speech somewhat cracking from tears.

"Yeah babe?"

"Do you still love me?"

"Of course I do.  Always have.  Always will.  I promise."