Dear Diary

Chapter 17

Dear Diary,

Oh man.  I really don't know what to do now.  My world is so upside down, how in the hell am I supposed to think about anything?  I really don't know if I classify last night as the best or worst night of my life.  It started as one, and ended as the other.  Someone tell me what to do.

Everything started off great.  Dean, Jeni, and Sam came up to Bill Hilly's last night with me and Erica.  We had not all been together in so long, it was great to have "the gang" back together.  And then while I'm up on the floor doing "Every Rose,"  Danny walked in.  He hid in the back room until the "I know I could've save our love" line.  Jackass.  How the fuck do you justify that?  I told him again he had to forget me (after I was outside with Dean - I thought he told Danny to come up.  He didn't), that he had to accept it.  Told me he can't.  And then, he goes and shoves his tongue down my throat!  God, I wish I could sit here and say it was awful.  But it wasn't.  The way he just reached out and grabbed me and pulled me to him.  It was like the first time he kissed me ever.  Oh Lord, do I remember that night.  I wasn't expecting it at all.  We were just friends.  He was all loopy from knowing he had graduated from high school, and was done with it.  The bunch of us were at Erica's, sitting outside around a bon fire.  I got up to go grab a water, and he called me over to him.  I didn't think anything of it.  He grabbed me by the back of the neck and just kissed me.  I had never felt such electricity.  We got together shortly after that and were together for what felt like forever.  But he left because he said he wasn't happy.  Last night's kiss was like the very first one from thirteen years ago.  I felt all that electricity come right back.  I tried to pull away and keep it broken, but when I looked him in the eyes, those damn hazel sparklers of his, I went right back to kissing him.  And it doesn't stop there.

We went back inside, and he sat at the table with all of us.  Of course, Erica had to pull me aside and ask what the fuck was going on.  I told her the truth, I didn't know.  Then she goes, "Oh no.  I know that look.  That was how you looked when you two got caught kissing the first time.  Are you two. . ." 

I cut her off, "No.  I don't. . .aww fuck, Ere.  I love him.  You know that."  I went and sat back down at the table, at the edge of the booth when she got called up to sing.  While she was singing, Danny had scooted himself behind me, and wrapped his arms around my waist, and put his head on my left shoulder.  I felt like I was on cloud nine, and to hell with what Erica thought. This isn't her life.  It's mine.  I suddenly had to use the ladies room.  Danny let me up, and gave me a light smack on the ass.  I turned around with a huge smile on my face, and could only say, "really?"

His eyes glistening, he said, "hurry back."

"I'll come with you," noted Jeni.  The friends made their way into the ladies room, and Jeni wasted no time in trying to get to the bottom of what was going on.  Asking me every question in the book.  The biggest one being, "are you going to get back together with him?  I know he loves you."

I honestly don't know what I am feeling.  The past months, all my trampiness, just hooking up with a guy, and being as trashy as I could, what would Danny think of me if he found out about it.  Knowing his ass, he'd love to hear me talk that way to him.  But I don't know if I can trust him.  I told Jeni so; she noted my bummed tone.  "Lei, if you love him, and I mean if you really love him, see where it goes.  You have been miserable without him, and don't tell me you haven't been.  The other night when he came by to talk to Dean, he was broken.  Hell woman, he still is.  There's only one thing that is going to fix him.  And you.  And that is each other.  You two were made for each other and you know it." 

"Jen, I. . .I'm terrified."

"Then that is what will keep you two together.  You know all the shit Dean and I have been through.  Which, he knows I was talking to you during our problems so you don't have to pretend.  He knows I needed an outlet.  It was the fear of losing one another that made us work on everything.  And I'm so fucking glad we did.  I can't imagine being without him."