Winter Love (Book Two)

14 | Vulnerability

JESSE'S POV

The moment I peel my eyes open, meeting those all too familiar navy blue covers and those bare beige walls - except for a little photo of us, I knew who's body my arms were currently wrapped around, and I couldn't stop the smile that pushed its way through my morning dazed self. How I've missed waking up next to him...

Yesterday's memories also come crashing in the further away I slipped from my dreamy state, reminded of the place I was before I got that call from Colby - the graveyard, and the conversation - if you can even call it that - that I had with my dad, forcing yet another smile to grace my face. I mean, even with my dad's absence in the physical world, I can't deny his overarching presence in some aspects of my life. Yes, there are times when I undeniably miss seeing his face, from his overgrown salt and pepper hair, to his worn out work boots that he wore everywhere - regardless of the fact that he had more shoes. There are times when I wish I could hear his deep voice, that was so intense, yet so comforting. There are times when things get a little too much for a twenty year old to handle, where the situation at home just worsens - and I wish that he was here to embrace me, and tell me that everything will be fine.

But even in death, I still believe that he's still there for me, fighting to make sure that I'm always happy, protecting my well-being, my peace of mind...and with yesterday's events, unforeseen strings tug at my heart.

For so long I'd questioned my readiness, to face those walls again. To see the original state he left that place in before he died. For the first time in nearly eight years after his passing, I truly feel ready to go back to that trailer park - where our home once was. Where the happiest memories where made but didn't feel strong enough to face; but with one look at the boy that sleeps soundlessly in my arms, and the strength he gives me to look past the bad and focus on the good - an idea forms in my head to show him just how much he means to me.

*****

The longer the car ride lasts, the more I become convinced a permanent smile had been drawn on my face. Stealing side glances at my boyfriend, whose cheeks are dusted with a light pink tint, a cute crooked smile also decorating his pretty face, preventing me from ever maintaining a straight face, despite the seriousness of the conversation I was about to have with him: "Did I tell you that my step-dad came back?"

He looks at me, shaking his head: "Zoe's dad," I nod. "Where was he?"

"Prison" I offer flatly, Sami's eyes widening a bit.

"What was he in for?" he starts, "I hope I'm not intruding" he adds quickly, prompting yet another smile on my end. He's so cute.

"He...uhm" I sigh, "he abused my mom...so, yeah."

A tense silence engulfs the space in the car as soon as the last word is spat. But in all honesty, I'm far from being shocked. It isn't always that you meet someone who's experienced domestic violence, first hand, so, after all, this is just too much of a bombshell for it to not alter the aura of a room, in this case - a vehicle.

"I'm sorry, I-I really didn't know, a-and I wish I had the right words to say to make the situation better, but I can't think of any at the moment" he sighs, shaking his head, clearly working the gears to wrap his mind around the information I just gave him. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be..."

"No," he interjects, "I just feel like an idiot. Not only have you dealt with all this on your own, without my support as your boyfriend, but I took so much time away from you that maybe you feel like you can't protect your mother because of me. I mean, you spent the entire night with me, and then breakfast...who protected your mother while you were away?"

"Sami" I call out softly as I pull the car to a stop outside the house that is the closest thing I've had to a home over the past number of years, "that man was sentenced to a minimum of ten years in prison, yet he only spent four. The reason for that is because my mother dropped the charges. I don't even know how they did that cause he'd already been sentenced but I suspect serious foul play, probably bribes to whoever was in charge of the case - but my mother, the victim, played a huge role in the release of her abuser. Now," I breathe, shaking my head as I kill the engine, "I am my mother's child. I have the responsibility to protect her, but not when she walks willingly into the lion's den. I can't fight for someone that doesn't want to be fought for..." tears blur my vision, my voice threatening to betray me if I didn't take a deep breath to calm myself down.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" he expresses softly, his hand extending to touch mine comfortingly, "but I want to be here for you, much like you've been here for me. No matter how you feel, I don't want you to feel that alone."

The heavy lump of emotion that was lodged in my throat, that threatened to spill out in the form of a heavy, guttural sob immediately melts away at hearing those his words of affirmation, words I've been yearning to hear since I returned, "Thank you" I say simply.

He flushes intensely, a small smile playing on his full lips, "I need to get something from my mom, and I'll be back before you know it."

"Okay" he says softly, but the light glint in his eyes told me that things are everything but okay, and his eyes' quick drop to my lips confirms my thoughts exactly, a smirk forcing its way onto my face.

"C'mere" I beckon, extending my hand and lightly caress his cheek, directing his face closer to mine, and without a second thought, I attach my lips to his in a heart warming kiss. A soft moan slips past his lips and I swallow it, taking advantage and slipping my tongue into his sweet mouth in the process. His fingers rush to tug desperately at my hair, the kiss getting more and more heated the longer it lasts.

I slide my hand under his jacket and shirt, touching the soft skin that lies underneath the heavy layers of clothing, my jeans tightening, forcing me to realise that if this goes on for any longer - we might wind up doing something inside this car; and almost as if Sami was thinking the same thing, he detaches his lips from mine but keeps his forehead attached to mine.

"I missed this" he smiles weakly, his eyes shut close. But as soon as he peels them open, my mind goes on an absolute whirlwind. Different emotions swimming behind those gorgeous brown eyes, a true reflection of the emotional and mental battles he's been engaged in for the past four months. But the one emotion that takes centre stage in him is one I know is normal. Vulnerability. But for some reason, I can't quite shake off the feeling that I may very well be taking advantage of him. Like I only fought for him, and said all that I said just because I want him back in my sheets.

Honestly, with all that Zoe's done to him, stripping him off the power to control and determine his fate. To come out to those he wished to come out to. When he wanted, and that's only if he wanted to. He had that power stolen away from him.

Consequently, I don't think a sex-crazed or touch-driven partner is what he needs. He doesn't need a guy that's gonna try and get in his pants at the first opportunity that presents itself. He doesn't need a guy that'll consider tossing the day's plans for a quick fuck in the backseat of his car. He needs reassurance. He needs support, care, love.

"I better go get that key", I finally manage to say, as I slip out of the car, silently promising myself and the boy in the car that from here on out, I'll fight tooth and nail to be there for him, in as non-sexual of way as possible, because I need him to know that he never was, and never will be, what they reduced him to be - a quick fuck.