Love Languages (BY: Book 2)

Wondering Why

Stef's POV

Feeling Lena like this is just the most amazing sensation in the whole world. I could never get enough of it. The way she makes love to me is like no other. Never in my life someone took care of my body the way Lena does. I know that I wasn't the most open person to let someone, especially a man get close to me like this, to that level, but with Lena it has never been the same. Everything is better with her, absolutely everything.

I feel so complete when I'm in her arms, when we are so close, making one. So much that in those moments, it makes me forget everything around.

Unfortunately, we can't stay like this forever, no matter how much we wish we could, and the second we pull away, I feel my heart getting heavy again. I feel the loss and the pain again. The loss of our foundation that we have to rebuild, because of my stupidity for one, and because of Lena's mistake. Yes, because it was a mistake, a horrible one, the worst she could have done to me, but still a simple mistake that I kind of push her to make.

"What's in your mind, babe?" I hear Lena say as I'm laid in her soft arms, my head resting on her chest.

After making love, we stayed sit into each other's arms a long time, just breathing the other and feel that deep connection that have been between us since the beginning. Then slowly we laid down still clench to one other with the covert on us to keep our naked bodies warm.

"I was just..." I sigh, hesitating to say what's really in my mind because I don't want to break this moment, I don't want to lose this feeling of bliss that I feel when we're like this.

"Say it baby. Please." Lena pleads for we haven't been talking at all since that night where I discover what she had done. We fought, we even made love, but we haven't talk and I know that without that, our couple will never survive...

"I was wondering why... I mean I know that I haven't been the best wife, I know that I shut down, that I don't talk, that I don't listen, that I don't pay enough attention to you sometimes but... why did you chose that particular way to punish me? Why betray me like that? There were so many ways to hurt me, to make me understand that I have to listen, so why that? And with your boss Lena? Now we are stuck with her, you can't quit so I have to be aware every day that, when you go to work, there's someone there, loving you, in love with you, someone that you kissed, that you had a connection with... why did you do this to me?" I ask, with such desperation in my voice because I love her, I love her so much, but I hate what she did, I hate it, and it's consuming me. I have it in my head all the time and it's driving me completely insane...

"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Stef. I didn't mean to do this to you, to us... I didn't mean to hurt you or punish you... you didn't deserve that... I love you, I never stopped loving you... I wasn't thinking straight, I don't know why I let this happen... I didn't want that to happen. You are the love of my life, and I'm so grateful for you but... life hit us so hard this year, it's been so hard... I lost our baby, it was my fault and..." she says her voice cracking more and more, breaking my heart as I don't move from her arms. I can't look at her while we do this, but I want to keep the contact, I want to feel her. It makes me more aware of what she's feeling and less caught up in my own, in my anger.

"Lena no. It wasn't your fault. We lost our baby together, you were carrying her, but you didn't do anything wrong. I thought we talked about this, love." I say for it's true that Lena mention that she felt guilty for losing Franky, and I made it very clear that I do not see it that way at all. We both lose a part of us that day, and it was no one's fault.

"I still feel so guilty... I don't seem to manage to get over it... you didn't want another baby and I made you want it just as hard as I did, I made you love this little baby inside of me and then I lost her, and it broke your heart... I saw the spark leaving your eyes that day, I saw what losing a child did to you... you love so hard Stef and when you're face with loss, all this love turns into pain, and I did this... I'm so sorry.... I would never be able to forgive myself for that, the kids are your life, I should have never insisted to do such a risky thing giving my age, I should have never..." she cries, sobbing and choking on her words as this time I have to look at her, I have to make this better...