A Different Slice

50 - This isn't Goodbye (Kieran)

For one of the few times in his life, Matt had put his needs first, and it was downright terrifying. It didn't help that Jake and Brinny both questioned his choice.

When he'd told Brinny, her jaw had dropped and blue eyes widened as they sat together on her parent's patio. "You broke up with her? With Naomi? Kieran, she genuinely loves you, and she's amazing. Why would you do that?"

"You know what it feels like to be judged and treated like crap. It takes a toll on you, in the worst ways."

Brinny crossed her arms over her flowy camisole. "Naomi hasn't done that at all. You're not making sense."

Matt sighed. It grew exhausting to continue to defend his choice. Brinny's parents were too kind for her to understand the shock and betrayal that lurked in his heart, although her past partners had thrown similar toxicity at her.

"She hasn't, but I found out my mom did, and I have so many memories of everyone else doing that, that it's hard when Naomi reacted like she did. It brought back all those old feelings, and it made me..."

His eyes filled with tears, and his mouth opened but let no words escape. Should he tell her? He didn't want to announce it to the world, but Brinny had been his closest and only friend over the past two years and she'd been sharing her progress about her eating disorder. If he talked about it, maybe it'd motivate him not to fall that far again.

A warm breeze rustled the leaves of the oak tree near the fence. "I couldn't see how my presence made anyone's life better. Sometimes that makes it hard to want to be here."

"Here?"

He had an out. He didn't have to say it, but her concerned gaze prompted him to keep going.

"Alive."

Brinny reached across the glass table to squeeze his hand, and hers shook. "Kier... why... we need you here."

He chuckled lightly. Not that it was funny, but it would keep him from crying. "I know. And, I scared Jake, and I just..." The words stuck to his teeth and cheeks, but Brinny waited for them to emerge. "It'd been a long time since my thoughts were that... terrifying. But I also haven't been okay after Katy passed. Part of me thought it was normal. Life wasn't meant to be great or happy without her."

It happened to widows often enough and given that he and Katy had never intended to get married; he considered her his life partner. Being happy without Katy seemed like he was betraying her and something he didn't deserve after he didn't wake up in time to help her. Some people moved on, but he hadn't seen the need to until he met Naomi.

Brinny bit her lip as her tears slipped over her pink cheeks.

"And being with Naomi brought me so much... it made me look forward to my future for the first time in a long time."

"Then why are you ending your relationship?"

"It's a break, not a full ending."

"But still?"

"If she's the only reason I'm okay, it's dangerous for me. It's too much pressure to put on a relationship and another person. It'd be like if you relied solely on Ian's opinion to decide whether you liked yourself."

Brinny twirled her blond hair around her finger. "I guess that makes sense. But what if she changes her mind while you're away?"

That was a genuine possibility, but he believed Naomi when she said that she was over her ex. She still loved Matt, and he sensed it. That may change depending on how much time he needed, but he'd seen what his mental health struggles did to Jake and he didn't want to rush and do that to Naomi either.