Junebug • TWD

33. Take It Slow.

Last night I dreamed that I was a frog, which reminded me of the last winter we had before everything fell apart. Because during that winter, Dad took me to the movie theater to see The Princess and the Frog. I want to go to the movies with him again, but I know that's never gonna happen. 

I feel a little bit like I'm watching a movie sometimes, though. Like right now I feel like I am. Because I'm sitting off to the side with my chin in my hands, watching as everyone else performs. Except this performance isn't a movie. It's killing walkers and slamming on the fences. Watching this kind of sucks, though. I'd much rather watch The Princess and the Frog. 

The good thing about always feeling like I'm watching a movie, though, is that I know a lot about just about everyone. They don't think I know a lot about them because I'll never tell anyone all the things I know about them, but I do know things. Like Lori and Rick ain't gettin' along so well, and Carl has a big, fat crush on Beth, and Carol and my dad are becoming good friends. And that's only the start of it. 

Anyway, just like in every other situation, I'm not at all helpful in this one. So I just sit and wait as everyone else does the hard work. 

It takes a little while, but eventually, the group of people who went in, which includes Dad, Rick, Maggie, Glenn, and T-Dog, come back to tell us that it's clear and we should go inside now. They're all covered in blood and slime, and it makes my stomach twist. That's another reason I'm not killing walkers. First of all, I'm far too weak to even get my knife through a skull anymore- even the old, rotting ones. And, second of all, seeing everything makes me feel so sick. So when we walk through the prison, I keep my eyes straight on my shoes and cling to Glenn's hand for direction. 

"What do you think?" I hear Rick ask as we enter the cellblock. I can hear someone dragging a body across the floor. I try not to think about his family.

"Home sweet home," Glenn sarcastically replies. 

"For the time being," Rick says. 

Glenn gestures to the stairsteps and I sit down on them, quickly pressing my palms into my eyes, trying to rub away the thoughts of these people's families- their kids, their mommas, their daddies, their brothers, their sisters. 

It sounds dark, but it's easier for me to imagine that their kids, mommas, daddies, brothers, and sisters are all dead, too, so that they could be together in Heaven. So they don't have to miss each other with aching chests and heavy eyes. 

I press myself as close to the railing as I can, so I'm not blocking anyone's way. As soon as I can get myself and my thoughts together, I'll see where my dad is and pick out a cell to stay in. 

"It's secure?" Lori asked, probably letting her eyes wander all over the blood-splattered walls and cold, empty cells. 

"This cellblock is," Rick answers. That isn't necessarily what I wanted to hear him say. Really, I wanted to hear him say that the whole place is clear and we're all safe and sound, but that's just a pipe dream. We'll never be safe and sound again, no matter where we go. I'm trying to come to terms with that. 

"What about the rest of the prison?" Hershel asks. His voice sounds slightly concerned. 

"In the morning, we'll find the cafeteria and infirmary," Rick answers. 

I'm sort of dreading and looking forward to them finding the cafeteria. I know it'll be good for me, in the long run, but the idea of eating food always seems to make me feel uneasy. 

"We sleep in the cells?" Beth asks, her voice wobbling a bit. She's a little bit like me. She feels things far in her heart, and you can see it in how she acts. A soft voice and a sweet smile, despite how badly things might be going.